DIL expectations of care for PiL

[Gamble66]

Do your PIL have expectations of you caring for them in thier old age that are well beyond thier expectations of thier own son? Just to say we both work full time and my DH is totally hands off with my parents

My PIL have been openly clear they will want to go in a home when the time comes. My M has always said she wants to live with or near us and expects to be taken care of (physically. Not financially).

Do you mean PIL have expectations that will fall to you if your DH isn't doing it?

Surely this depends on the relationship you have with your PILs .

No, definitely not. I don't work because we've still got young children so they do call through the week and ask me to help with some errands if I'm free but there's no expectation at all.

I mean they call me rather than DH to sort thier lives - it started with bits of shopping and lifts to appointments - it has escalated. My DH and I earn almost the same - my job is actually more senior but they seam to think I can just take days off and facilitate thier life.
They are well off and I am putting my boundaries more firmly in place but it's surprising how an slow incremental creep sets in.
I was wondering if its a common thing - I was a SAHM for a while and wondered if that was a factor

We have a good relationship and I can 'handle' it so just curious if it was common

No chance.

I would direct them to their son if they tried.

My mom and aunt did the bulk of that for my gran, she’s hate to trouble her boys, but also would down play her situation to them- a constant source of frustration all round. Some of it was she wanted a women some it it was she thought the boys were busy and important.

I've always been the one that they call upon but I'm pt, and managed (unwittingly) to get the reputation of the one that can sort things, especially paperwork, he's useless

My PIL live an hour away next door to SIL who has benefitted from years of free childcare on tap that we've never had, and given thousands of pounds for weddings and house deposits etc that we had to save for ourselves. The favouritism has then extended down to GC over the years. PIL are loaded but won't spend anything. I'm afraid SIL can now step up and start to repay, or PIL can buy in carers, taxis, cleaners, gardners etc. DH has no intention and neither do I. There's no help that can't be bought. What else is their stockpile of cash for at this stage?

Nope. I'd not have married someone whose parents expected this and if they came back and later expected it of me they'd get directed for their son. NFW.

This is actually my biggest fear. MIL is on her own and DH is an only child. She keeps on 'joking' about moving in with us. I actually think I would have to divorce DH if she ever did

My PIL were on another continent so no - but they had no expectations of their own relatives either. My own parents were also in another country but again didn't expect me or Dsis to step in - they understood we have jobs, lives, children, businesses.

I won't be expecting my DDs to take care of me in my old age - if they want, they can come along on my one-way trip to Switzerland with me, and that's it. I have no intention of ending my life the way my parents ended up doing (dementia).

cptartapp similar situation here
DH says his sister can look after mil since she’s had childcare on tap for years

Mine are dead but when alive there was never any expectation that I would do anything. When mil was terminally I'll I'd ring her a lot as we lived an hour away, I'd visit when able and spent time with her in her final weeks in hospital but Dh did all appointments, taking time off work to help out, never once expecting me to do any of that. You need to set those boundaries fairly quickly op. That attitude of women being expected to do all the donkey work is so belittling.

I would loved to have done more for my late FIL, and DH encouraged me to be more involved but my SIL is a very "difficult" person and it just wasn't worth the "oh but I was going to do that" phone call and abuse that followed, even when she'd been promising to do the thing for months and months.

I deeply regret not telling her to get stuffed and to have done it anyway. Because it was FIL that missed out

My husband was his mother's carer before we met. I was happy to do what I could to help, I loved her. She didn't expect me to, or ask for anything.

I would help DH if this role fell to him but it should fall to him, not me. He would help me if it was my parents, that's part of being a partnership in my opinion but I'm an only child whereas he has siblings.

It very much depends on personalities.

My late father in law who was also my mother in law's carer was very very proud and didn't want to burden anyone. He was selfless in the extreme.

My mother in law on the other hand cannot see further than her own nose. She knows we're running ourselves into the ground but as my husband hasn't dropped everything to move back home (2 hour drive each way) we've "abandoned her" - she has a full time live in carer and we visit at least once a week. I also spend on average at least an hour per day dealing with admin / organisation. She is relentless despite being fully aware of a further recent miscarriage following ivf which she is also aware of. My husband does have a sister but we rarely hear from her.

All I can say is set boundaries! And if you're having to regularly pick things up Amazon Prime and a grocery delivery service will be invaluable!

I have started using Amazon which they are almost miffed at - its like somthing is devalued if I do not hand deliver it.

I can see MIL trying to get DH to care for her. It will not be happening, we will do whatever we can to help but she will need to go into care if she cannot manage. I cannot have her living with us!

Nope.

FIL passed away suddenly 8 years ago, but MIL would rather starve/freeze/die etc than ask me to come & take care of her.

When I offer help she always says “you cared for your own parents, you’ve done your bit.” I’m a HCP working with the over 65s and have been for roughly 15 years. She could ask me for a lot of things. But she doesn’t 🤦‍♀️.

I am an only child. DH's sisters live abroad. We have agreed he will take on his, I'll take on mine. Neither will ever live with us.

I once said to MIL that my gran looked after her mother, my mother hers and therefore I wpuld look after mine as was my duty. Her response - a v vitriolic well I would never expect a daughter of mine to loom after me. She also thinks It's unacceptable that any oerson should go into an old people's home. My view if you don't expect your daughters to look after you then neither will I. Her dd's buggered off to the antipodes 30 years ago and don't bother phoning her on Xmas day. One decided coming to her own father's funeral would be too much for her.

My MIL did not expect this when alive but a) nobody else did (nobody ever rang me for answers) b) DH did loads and c) I did things like buying bras and the odd birthday suggestion which were quite nice to be able to do.

I have started using Amazon which they are almost miffed at - its like somthing is devalued if I do not hand deliver it.
My own DM often asks me to buy things if I visit her home country. She gets VERY annoyed when I then log into the supermarket delivery site, put in her postcode and find the item. What is it with them?
Sadly though my mum is not at this stage, I can imagine her calling on me due to my DB's incompetence (real, but there are many things he can do but would have something much more intellectual and important to do that he doesn't get paid for )

My mother used to complain about me not doing ... and also complained that one brother's wife was not a good wife because she didn't send her birthday cards (my brother wasn't expected to do this himself) whereas another brother's wife was because she made sure she sent cards for birthdays and Mother's Day etc (again, there was no expectation that the brother himself should do this. My eldest brother who didn't have a wife at this time was also excused.