Page 2 | DIL expectations of care for PiL

Gamble66 · 2019-05-11T17:55:10+00:00

Do your PIL have expectations of you caring for them in thier old age that are well beyond thier expectations of thier own son? Just to say we both work full time and my DH is totally hands off with my parents

mindutopia · 11/05/2019 23:46

Dear god no, my MIL is lucky we see her at all (due to some horrible behaviour on her part related to our dc). My FIL died a long time ago (before I met my dh). My dh and I have nothing to do with MIL’s partner (he’s a horrible abusive narcissist with a history of sexually abusing a family member). I’d be tempted to hasten his demise if he was ever left in my care. We would at least pay MIL a visit on occasion if she was in a home. That’s about it though!

whatthehe11 · 12/05/2019 00:27

@Gamble66 I know what you mean re the Amazon delivery and the expectation of a concierge service. I've reached the point where I'll quite happily point out that at least she has whatever it is that was needed.

Good luck it is tough, but boundaries / expectations are so important. I was softly softly for a long time as my FIL died very suddenly so we obviously made allowances for her very behaviour/ attitude. Im now really trying to belatedly get things under control for my own heath and sanity. I know my husband would be v involved with my parents if need be.

From what you've said your husband does need to be more of a team player re both your PIL and your parents if you're going to have these sort of expectations placed on you otherwise you'll burn out. If he isn't prepared to do that you may have to step back and say no/ you'll ask your husband to deal with his parents and you deal with yours.

violetbunny · 12/05/2019 11:19

Why is your DH happy for this to continue? Presumably he is, or else he'd have intervened by now. He needs to step up. This shouldn't be on you just because you're a woman.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/05/2019 11:25

I think the problem is many people still see this sort of thing as wife work.

Original poster

Gamble66 · 12/05/2019 11:34

DH was a bit oblivious - it has been a gradual creep - he's now on board - mostly I think - they are not the type to have words with unless absolutely necessary so we are both going to start giving them alternatives and he has said he will start to ring them every Monday to set an agenda for the week. To give him his due last night he answered my mobile and told his mother that Saturday night was not the time to ring re appointments and he would have thought a taxi would be easier for everyone. Not sure how she has taken it will see her Wed evening, so will be interesting.

OP posts:

Camomila · 12/05/2019 11:41

My PILs want to retire back in their home country. We'd psy for a live in 'helper' if they needed one and couldn't afford it.

BackforGood · 12/05/2019 11:52

Not really got there yet, but MiL has always tried to contact me to make family arrangements, and I'm fairly sure thinks I'm a poor DiL if dh doesn't get her a card or present.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 12/05/2019 11:54

I'll be looking after my MIL and FIL I believe. DH works and I'm a SAHM but DH's job has a LOT of time off so it could just as easily be him to drive MIL to appointments or shopping etc but I'm the one who is expected to.

I've told them straight that I will not be cooking their meals because they are as fussy as toddlers. No. Worse than toddlers. So much worse.
Dear PIL, Red, green and yellow peppers are in fact, not "fancy foreign muck"

AnnaMagnani · 12/05/2019 11:58

As a doctor looking after elderly people I see this a lot.

Me: who will be looking after you?

Them (usually but not always the man): my daughter/DIL will do it

Me: But your daughter/DIL has a full-time job/4 kids/lives 100 miles away

Them: Blank face. Repeats 'But my daughter/DIL will do it'

I proceed to have harsh conversation.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 12/05/2019 12:03

Wifework is our fault. It's us that have let it creep into our lives and onto our already full plates.
My DH knows full well that it's HIS mother and father and HE should know their birthdays. If he asks me to pick up a card or gift on my travels then fair enough but I will not shoulder the blame if he doesn't remember.

I've laughed out loud before when MIL has started on about some apparent "wifework" I had neglected and I simply asked if it was the boobs that helped women know other people's families birthdays or penises that stopped sons from remembering?

churchthecat · 12/05/2019 12:32

Start saying no!

What on earth did they want you to do on a Saturday night?

MulticolourMophead · 12/05/2019 12:41

I've laughed out loud before when MIL has started on about some apparent "wifework" I had neglected and I simply asked if it was the boobs that helped women know other people's families birthdays or penises that stopped sons from remembering?

Perfect answer I didn't do wifework for ex's family, I had enough with my own much larger family and ex never helped out there.

I've brought up my DC to understand that wifework is just plain wrong.

Original poster

Gamble66 · 12/05/2019 12:47

@churchthecat - she wanted to know if I could take her to a hospital appointment in about 2 weeks - so not a necessary conversation on a Saturday night especially as she will see me Wed evening plus they can easily afford a taxi. Its for an on going condition that I did take her to the initial consultation for because she was very anxious, there is no need for me to be with her anymore as they are now pretty routine and to be honest the nurses treat her like royalty 😁

OP posts:

Her0utdoors · 12/05/2019 12:51

My inlaws live 14 miles away. It's too far for them to travel when we need help, but they can easily get to me ne of their two other properties up to 4 hours drive away.... . When push comes to shove, it's going to be interesting to see if they suddenly find it's not a large distance when they want us to help them!?

ineedaknittedhat · 12/05/2019 13:23

We ended up caring for mil for around ten years. It was very draining and difficult to get time away. Don't get sucked in is my advice. Older people's lives can be prolonged for donkeys years now and you can end up being responsible for them for around the same time it takes to raise a child to adulthood. They rarely appreciate what you do for them and fail to even comprehend how it impacts on your life and the stress it causes.

Cobblersandhogwash · 12/05/2019 13:25

My pil definitely expect us to look after them full time in their old age.

It's not going to happen though.

I would never expect that from my dcs either. They have their lives to lead.

Drasticaction · 12/05/2019 14:08

I don't know but there will be no care.

I don't speak to them now, and have absolutely no intention of being involved in their care whatsoever.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/05/2019 14:17

From a lot of personal and anecdotal experience, the lion's share nearly always falls to the DiL.
It certainly did to me with FiL - I was working from home, and besides working long hours anyway, dh had to be away a lot for work.

FiL had dementia, and a year of having him live with us was enough - TBH we were new to it all and blithely clueless about what we were taking on. Talk about learning the hard way! I was on my knees before we finally found a care home for him.

Personally I think it very selfish of parents to expect a great deal,of help or looking after, from either their own children or in laws. Old people can become extremely self-centred, even when there's no dementia involved.

Our grown up dds have strict instructions - in writing - of our wishes in the event of physical or mental incapacity, or both, and it certainly doesn't include their giving up a good part of their lives to look after us.

BackforGood · 12/05/2019 14:57

So much of this depends on the relationship of course.
I know PiL who have a great and loving relationship with their Dil and who did so much for them when they were younger, and particularly when the children were small. Other PiL didn't get involved and were less supportive during those times, and there will be less of a 'will' - from sons and daughters, not just SiLs and DiLs, when the time comes that the parents need support.

Chilledout11 · 12/05/2019 15:00

This isn't yet an issue but it could be soon. Dmil is likely to want us to care for her but we live 30 mins away. I'm sure dh would like her to move in with us if fil were to pass away. I'm not sure If that is an option. We would have to talk carefully about it.