What does Family Flowers Only mean?

[BertrandRussell]

Mil’s partner’s funeral is next week, and for various complicated but valid reasons, only my adult dd is able to go. The death notice says family flowers only- does that mean it’s OK to send a wreath or not? We didn’t know him very well but he was a very traditional man and I don’t want to put my foot in it....

Can’t really be his call- he’s out at sea and not contactable. But he certainly didn’t think of him as his stepfather.

I think no then. If he want a stepfather figure then no flowers from you.

If DH did not think of him as his stepfather then I think flowers to his mother are the best idea. One other thought - my very great friend did not even have a funeral for her husband. She did the thing where you have the person separately cremated and then get the ashes back for scattering ( she wanted no fuss.) I sent her flowers but deliberately sent more cheerful ones than lillies etc. Not because I was trying to be insensitive , I just thought I knew, knowing her , she did not want her sitting room looking like a funeral parlour.

Thank you all. As I said, I feel very guilty because most of us can’t be there and I am very keen to do the right thing because of that. And because I am having to think for dp as well. So. No flowers. Wodge of cash for dd to put in the collection bucket and lovely, non funeral-like flowers for MIL at the beginning of next week. Sounds like a plan.

I realise you may be joking but I doubt there will be an actual bucket. Usually the undertakers receive the donations (ie you send them direct to undertakers)

At cremations I’ve been to, there is always a wooden money box type thing and a pile of envelopes and you put your donation into this. Be aware though that you should put your name on the front to show who the donation is from. I didn’t do this at an in-law’s funeral and my MIL contacted us asking why we hadn’t made a donation. It seems the wife of the deceased had been given a list showing the name and donation of each person and as our name didn’t show, she was annoyed that we hadn’t donated (though we actually had).

Charity donation and flowers to Mil would be a lovely gesture op.

“I realise you may be joking but I doubt there will be an actual bucket”

It says in the death notice that there will be a collection at the service. I was a bit surprised but I suppose it’s easier-particularly as there will be a lot of older people there who might not do internet banking. Also Catholics are used to putting their hands in their pockets at Mass....

Our lovely funeral director had a small box, it was on a table in the vestibule as we were leaving the crematorium.

I’d do a charity donation, then flowers to Mil. Hope it goes well.

The notice in the paper actually says “a box will be provided at the church for this purpose”

Oh lord- next question - how much?

No, I wouldn't. My aunt's husband died recently. He had cancer and passed away in a local hospice. The obituary said "Family flowers only please. Donations if desired to X hospice"
There was a basket just inside the church door where you could leave a donation if you wished.

I always send flowers to the bereaved rather than send flowers to a funeral. I dont even know if thats the right thing to do as my family are a bit shit at being normal but I just feel the dead dont need flowers.

Would a single stem at the appropriate point sit right with you?
In my experience a single stem laid on the coffin by family is acceptable

Agree with the flowers for MIL next week idea. Just a word of warning if you’re using Interflora; make sure you spell out they’re in place of funeral flowers. My mum’s cousin did this for my mum when her mum died...and the local florist turned up with “tropical brights” rather than the white that’d been ordered. More traditional people notice these things....

I’d say £20 note in the collection; if you want to make a more significant family donation, it’s probably nice to do so a bit more personally. Not so much for the recognition, but more for the fact that it feels like “from the Russell family in memory of FIL” rather than a bung in the box.

Sorry for your family’s loss.

Thank you. I think the single stem might be a bit much for dd as the family representative! Ir’s her first adult funeral and she is taking looking after her grandmother very seriously. My heart is melting a bit......

I wouldn't go with a single stem at all. It may be a cultural thing, but here (Ireland) a single stem is often thrown into the grave but only ever by the deceased's spouse and children. A single stem is seen as quite intimate.

@BertrandRussell "Oh lord- next question - how much?"

This is a very hard question - and much harder as your partner is uncontactable. It will depend on what Dh's / DP's mum thinks would be a good amount and what your circumstances are. Had you been able to go to the funeral , could you work out what that would have cost you and base it on not having been able to go? ( I obviously don't know the circumstances so if just up the road 2 bus fares looks a bit little if you can afford more ( if you can't then absolutely fine) I hesitate to suggest as this could be very contentious for some , but if you can afford it , I would suggest if expenses for going to the funeral could have covered £50 ? I may be way out of line here but a decent amount .That said I do not know what MIL or you would consider a proper amount. In an envelope with DD delivering & making sure they know from you I would have thought the charity would be very pleased with that.

very hard question though - if you can afford lots more or less - then ignore this post.

Just to say I was not saying you would not have given a donation if you had been able to go but if you feel guilty about not being able to go I was just saying wither base it on what you think MIL would think a nice amount or had you been able to go then use some of the travelling expenses to make the donation. Probably explained that badly but hope you get the gist.

I think flowers - or a plant or a tree something that could be planted in her DH memory after the funeral would be very appropriate instead.

no-one will know how much you donate as the box would be anonymous so whether it is £1 or £50 it will be impossible to tell most people would put in a folded banknote; unless it is a cheque then you have to be sure you have the name of the charity absolutely correct
you would not put the money in a card for the bereaved the card should be separate

I agree with everyone else, not to send flowers in this circumstance. 'Family' means the immediate family, not wider family. They would prefer the money was directed to the charity of choice.

For the collection at the Church, it is normal for you to have put some money in an envelope, and then the envelope goes on the collection plate or in to the box etc. It is also normal to put a card with that, so family will know it is from you. Others will put loose cash into a collection, but the card / envelope is also normal, and probably more common if it is a slightly larger amount.
Then, sometimes there are gift aid envelopes. So the funeral I went to last week, there were envelopes in the Church if people wanted to gift aid and therefore the charity would receive 25% more.

I might wait a bit then send MIL flowers instead.

This would be lovely. Often, after the funeral everyone else goes back to their 'normal lives', so sending flowers a week or two later, to show her you are thinking about her would be a lovely thing to do.

The donation is generally stated as in lieu of flowers, so the cost of a decent bouquet at a nice florist is a good guide.

In my view, if you haven’t been part of the decision-making around the funeral (and hence party to the ‘family flowers only’ choice), then the notice is aimed at you and so you do not send a wreath. I’m guessing that is what intended by the previous poster who said if you have to ask, then you don’t send.

In my country, the undertaker informs the charity that donations are requested in memory of X. And you could make a donation online, with a message that is passed to the next of kin. But if theres a collection option at the funeral, that is simpler.

If the deceased was religious, check if there is a sympathy card tradition in that religion. For Catholics, it’s very common to bring a Mass card to a funeral. Otherwise I’d probably write a sympathy card or blank card and ask your daughter to leave it with the MIL, so you can be represented at the funeral.

In general though, it’s a bereavement, it’s horrid for everyone. Etiquette can be tough to figure out but as long as you act with kindness and good intentions and compassion, you probably can’t go far wrong.

Definitely no funeral flowers in this instance.

Can I just say - as a widow, albeit a long time ago & I was late 20s - that I'd also be a tad cautious about sending MIL flowers.

I was bloody inundated with the damn things, & surrounded by vases & bouquets in various stages of wilting for a fortnight. It felt like another thing for my tired & shellshocked head to worry about.

Sorry, that's really blunt, & your MIL might love a nice bouquet! But I'd definitely have preferred say, an invitation out to lunch, or a plant in a pot maybe. Don't feel 'obliged' to send her flowers if she's not a flowers person, is what I'm clumsily trying to say?

Sorry for your loss x

Thank you, PurpleCriwbar- that’s an excellent point. She lives too far away for popping in, but she does have local family, which is good.