- is only there because this is an unconventional situation and I am preparing for people to say 'she isn't your stepdaughter' because of that. I absolutely see her as a daughter however. We used to be very close. . She began calling me her stepmum, her choice on our first meeting and that's how she saw me.
Okay I began a relationship with (my now) ex about 5 years ago. We parted ways in September 18. Not long after we met I learned she had a daughter (I'll call her Sally, not her name!) whom she had not seen since daughter was about 5.
Sally turned up at ex's place of work when I was there and I took her home(full care order) to her children's home. She was a lovely, bright and friendly outgoing girl. Very intelligent and mature. Understood the situation, was working in a shop, beautifully turned out,and seemed okay.
I told her to call me if she needed anything.
In time, she spoke to her carers as did I and it was agreed that despite my relationship with Sally's Mum, Sally had no influential adults in her life and very little contact with family, so contact with me was beneficial to her. She's alreayd rang me every day, knowing she wasn't permitted contact with her Mum I knew I was 'the next best thing'. I was soon permitted to visit her each week.. From being 9 to 14, she had been in a foster home and she became very close to this family, referring to her foster mum and dad as her parents and their (very young) children as her siblings.. I have since got to know them both and I think they're wonderful people.
They're also now, as heartbroken as me.
They were forced to give Sally up as she became rebellious and dangerous and they were at risk of losing their own children. She was always been brought home by the police at all hours, her 'dad' had found her going into hotels with much older men, drugs, really bad stuff.
She went to the children's home and not long after is when I met her.
In time, she told me she wanted nothing more but to have a relationship with her mum and me and her both spoke to carers about it. it was finally permitted to have supervised contact with her and her mum, first session went well. Second session was due and provided this went well, Sally was permitted to see her Mum independently. Not long following this me and my ex moved into a three bedroomed property and it was well known that Sally would come and live with us as soon as she could. She used to speak about how excited she was.
Only, not long before this, she went 'off the rails'. She met an older guy. She became very angry and aggressive. She eventually did move in, making out it was under duress, mind- and she has since been so awful. I've done so much to help her I won't even go into it here but above and beyond, but she's been much beyond 'normal' teenage behavior. for example she took a thug she knows to her friends house and demanded he give her her belongings she'd stored there or he'd be beaten. This guy has been nothing but good to her.
She stayed with us and lived with us for a few weeks and brought all sorts of dodgy people to us. She has punched herself in the face and said she was telling the police it was me and/or my ex.
She ran away from our house and when found, had knives, every bit of medication we had in the bathroom, and duct tape.
She's threatened to ring my work and tell them I was abusing her. I since found that she told SS that her foster dad was sexually abusing her too. She's behaved awfully-this isn't the half of it.
Also, not long before she was due to come and live with us, her children's home told me she wasnt ever staying there and being the age she was, they were seen as 'bed hogging' and may have to discharge her. I went to pick her up to visit us one day, and she said could I give her a lift into town as 'homeless people get bullied on the bus', I said 'Sally we're in your house? You're not homeless? you have two homes if anything?!' Lately she's been telling a lot of people how horrid it is being on the streets and being homeless etc-she's never been homeless other than through her own choice. It breaks my heart.
I realise a product of the care system, maybe MH issues? Her father had psychosis and was violent-genetics?
Recently she came to my house-I had not long since finished night shift and I was in bed. This was about 9 am. I didn't answer the door because I was in bed and not expecting anyone and thought it was a canvasser-it wasnt. She'd turned up in the town we all used to live in wanting to go to my house, and my local MP was on the train station and had seen this gaunt, young looking girl and offered help and given a lift to my house. .Sally had told her her mum lived there (knowing fuill well she'd moved out and we'd split up) and after Ididn't answer the door, she went to my Mums around the corner and said she was looking for her Mum. My Mum is much 'harder' than me and said 'Sally, when you were here all you wanted to do was leave' and Sally denied it said she was being controlled. I used to think she was, but now I am not sure, I've seen how awful she can be.
I only learned about this visit afterwards-a social worker took her back to the town she has been living in. She was 18 at the time, 19 now.
My ex has told me to have nothing to do with her she's dangerous and horrible. Sally is implying she's on hard drugs and cant get off them-my ex says this isn't true she's just saying it for attention. Shes said she's living on the streets. It's so odd-a year or so ago she had a job, volunteered and had a pony on loan that I paid for , friends, was in contact with siblings, but she's just not bothered about anything now.
Sally will also send mutual friends and family messages saying she needs money or she's now 'clean' (( I am clueless about whether there's been recent drugs in particular an addiction to them) and wants to be with her Mum. Her Mum has rejected her-I realise this could be a huge part of this. Some time ago, her social worker rang me and asked if Sally was pregnant as she'd heard rumours. I said I didn't know but if she was and the baby was removed please lord give me a thought , I'll have the baby before it's put into care to be passed from pillar to post and repeat the cycle-they said they definitely would. I just hope she isn't ever pregnant-then again as I type this I think maybe if she did fall pregnant it may be a turning point...
She messaged me recently asking to 'borrow' money and I said no, but once she has sorted herself out and wants to stop this behaviour, I will be there for her and she can get in touch.
A few years of this has been hellish-I want so badly to be there for her. I want her living with me, working or studying and safe. I want her to know I love her but at the same time some of the awful, awful things she's done and said and the fact she's a criminal and as my ex says, dangerous, my job involves working for vulnerable people-I am not sure what I want from this post. Anything, even someone replying and saying they sort of understand. I don't know.
I love her, but I am massively confused. I am almost scared of her. Pathetic I realise but the truth.
I want her back with me being happy. It seemed that, when I met her, everything would be okay and then this happens. I don't know what the best thing for me to do, be or say is. I realise she's been through hell but, I've got a fair bit of experience with teens in care due to work, and I haven't known anyone be like this. Thanks for reading.