My 'Stepdaughter'* I'm half heartbroken, half trying to forget her (long!)

[CrumbsCrumbsEverywhere]

• is only there because this is an unconventional situation and I am preparing for people to say 'she isn't your stepdaughter' because of that. I absolutely see her as a daughter however. We used to be very close. . She began calling me her stepmum, her choice on our first meeting and that's how she saw me.

Okay I began a relationship with (my now) ex about 5 years ago. We parted ways in September 18. Not long after we met I learned she had a daughter (I'll call her Sally, not her name!) whom she had not seen since daughter was about 5.

Sally turned up at ex's place of work when I was there and I took her home(full care order) to her children's home. She was a lovely, bright and friendly outgoing girl. Very intelligent and mature. Understood the situation, was working in a shop, beautifully turned out,and seemed okay.

I told her to call me if she needed anything.

In time, she spoke to her carers as did I and it was agreed that despite my relationship with Sally's Mum, Sally had no influential adults in her life and very little contact with family, so contact with me was beneficial to her. She's alreayd rang me every day, knowing she wasn't permitted contact with her Mum I knew I was 'the next best thing'. I was soon permitted to visit her each week.. From being 9 to 14, she had been in a foster home and she became very close to this family, referring to her foster mum and dad as her parents and their (very young) children as her siblings.. I have since got to know them both and I think they're wonderful people.

They're also now, as heartbroken as me.

They were forced to give Sally up as she became rebellious and dangerous and they were at risk of losing their own children. She was always been brought home by the police at all hours, her 'dad' had found her going into hotels with much older men, drugs, really bad stuff.

She went to the children's home and not long after is when I met her.

In time, she told me she wanted nothing more but to have a relationship with her mum and me and her both spoke to carers about it. it was finally permitted to have supervised contact with her and her mum, first session went well. Second session was due and provided this went well, Sally was permitted to see her Mum independently. Not long following this me and my ex moved into a three bedroomed property and it was well known that Sally would come and live with us as soon as she could. She used to speak about how excited she was.

Only, not long before this, she went 'off the rails'. She met an older guy. She became very angry and aggressive. She eventually did move in, making out it was under duress, mind- and she has since been so awful. I've done so much to help her I won't even go into it here but above and beyond, but she's been much beyond 'normal' teenage behavior. for example she took a thug she knows to her friends house and demanded he give her her belongings she'd stored there or he'd be beaten. This guy has been nothing but good to her.

She stayed with us and lived with us for a few weeks and brought all sorts of dodgy people to us. She has punched herself in the face and said she was telling the police it was me and/or my ex.

She ran away from our house and when found, had knives, every bit of medication we had in the bathroom, and duct tape.

She's threatened to ring my work and tell them I was abusing her. I since found that she told SS that her foster dad was sexually abusing her too. She's behaved awfully-this isn't the half of it.

Also, not long before she was due to come and live with us, her children's home told me she wasnt ever staying there and being the age she was, they were seen as 'bed hogging' and may have to discharge her. I went to pick her up to visit us one day, and she said could I give her a lift into town as 'homeless people get bullied on the bus', I said 'Sally we're in your house? You're not homeless? you have two homes if anything?!' Lately she's been telling a lot of people how horrid it is being on the streets and being homeless etc-she's never been homeless other than through her own choice. It breaks my heart.
I realise a product of the care system, maybe MH issues? Her father had psychosis and was violent-genetics?

Recently she came to my house-I had not long since finished night shift and I was in bed. This was about 9 am. I didn't answer the door because I was in bed and not expecting anyone and thought it was a canvasser-it wasnt. She'd turned up in the town we all used to live in wanting to go to my house, and my local MP was on the train station and had seen this gaunt, young looking girl and offered help and given a lift to my house. .Sally had told her her mum lived there (knowing fuill well she'd moved out and we'd split up) and after Ididn't answer the door, she went to my Mums around the corner and said she was looking for her Mum. My Mum is much 'harder' than me and said 'Sally, when you were here all you wanted to do was leave' and Sally denied it said she was being controlled. I used to think she was, but now I am not sure, I've seen how awful she can be.

I only learned about this visit afterwards-a social worker took her back to the town she has been living in. She was 18 at the time, 19 now.

My ex has told me to have nothing to do with her she's dangerous and horrible. Sally is implying she's on hard drugs and cant get off them-my ex says this isn't true she's just saying it for attention. Shes said she's living on the streets. It's so odd-a year or so ago she had a job, volunteered and had a pony on loan that I paid for , friends, was in contact with siblings, but she's just not bothered about anything now.

Sally will also send mutual friends and family messages saying she needs money or she's now 'clean' (( I am clueless about whether there's been recent drugs in particular an addiction to them) and wants to be with her Mum. Her Mum has rejected her-I realise this could be a huge part of this. Some time ago, her social worker rang me and asked if Sally was pregnant as she'd heard rumours. I said I didn't know but if she was and the baby was removed please lord give me a thought , I'll have the baby before it's put into care to be passed from pillar to post and repeat the cycle-they said they definitely would. I just hope she isn't ever pregnant-then again as I type this I think maybe if she did fall pregnant it may be a turning point...

She messaged me recently asking to 'borrow' money and I said no, but once she has sorted herself out and wants to stop this behaviour, I will be there for her and she can get in touch.

A few years of this has been hellish-I want so badly to be there for her. I want her living with me, working or studying and safe. I want her to know I love her but at the same time some of the awful, awful things she's done and said and the fact she's a criminal and as my ex says, dangerous, my job involves working for vulnerable people-I am not sure what I want from this post. Anything, even someone replying and saying they sort of understand. I don't know.

I love her, but I am massively confused. I am almost scared of her. Pathetic I realise but the truth.

I want her back with me being happy. It seemed that, when I met her, everything would be okay and then this happens. I don't know what the best thing for me to do, be or say is. I realise she's been through hell but, I've got a fair bit of experience with teens in care due to work, and I haven't known anyone be like this. Thanks for reading.

Enterthewolves I thought that too. CPTSD, which can manifest as traits of Histrionic PD ( used to be a diagnosis in it's own right but I believe they now consider it a form of Borderline/Emotionally Unstable PD). The person I knew who had it wasn't a care leaver or anything like that, two parents living together, nice middle class home, so most likely another kind of trauma (bullying?). She has been diagnosed formally with BPD and her caregiver told me she having treatment for PTSD now, so assume they are linked?

Try alanon op or equivalent for family of drug users. First protect yourself. Not much you can do unless she cooperates & gets help. Tough love, detach with love, be there with dustpan and brush.
Your response is good, wait for her to make significant effort. Good luck, it's hard, but take care of you or it willdrag you down. Somewhere she knows you love her but she is very damaged.

My husband's younger brother is from a privileged background (more so than my husband, he had a different dad), is very bright, and he too went off the rails.

Not as chaotic as Sally, but he's now in his 40s and is an alcoholic, he's living in a bedsit somewhere.

Over the last twenty years the family have tried so hard to help him but he has never been able to change, for whatever reason he just isn't capable of living a normal adult life. For years his family have had him turning up drunk, bringing strange people round, stealing, falling over and cutting himself etc etc.

After a lot of pain for his family, they have finally realised that helping him just leads to pain and chaos in their lives and homes, so they've made it clear he isn't welcome in their homes.

I'm not suggesting that this will be the outcome for Sally, she's younger and there's hope that she will decide to turn her life around.

I think the message you sent sounds very sensible. I know how hard it is not help, but it's important to not have your life ruined / made chaotic. So if you can be strong and be there for her, but in your own terms (with conditions she must meet e.g. no lying etc) then fingers crossed your availability to her can act as a good incentive for her to sort herself out.

Previously I've been an absolute softie and had the attitude that support meant taking a person in no matter how they are behaving and looking after them through it, but I now realise that enables the bad behaviour by letting them continue to behave that way and providing yourself as an emotional punch bag.. I think you have to be stronger and firmer and say what is and isn't acceptable to you, while still being available to her and loving. It is incredibly difficult though.

writerperson that sounds awful for you. It's so idifficult to watch when someone is doing all the things to destroy their life. I recognise myself so much in your last sentence but recently, between her leaving mine (then our) lives and up to my posting the message, I had tried my best to just be distant and protect myself and my family by not having anything to do with her until this episode ends (if it does). It has not stopped me from wishing and wondering though, or being so worried that one day I'll learn she is dead or in prison.

I think Sally is very immature, aside from all the above goings-on. Her understanding of the world seems to be more like that of a 14 year old. It just adds to my worry. She has been sectioned before as a result of some of the above, but hasn't been treated for an MH condition.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded about this.

Unfortunately when you chase a person like this and do your utmost to improve their life they will kick you in the teeth.

You have to step back and they will either go into a downward spiral or will mature and turn their life around and then appreciate what you tried to do.

At the moment they are swimming in one direction and you may think you’re saving them from drowning but all they will do is jump straight back in until they themselves are ready to come back to the shore of their own accord.

It really does sound like trauma (CPTSD & attachment issues are often diagnosed as EUPD which in my home city means Mental Health services won’t work with you unless you are clean of substances). She may benefit from some trauma stabilisation work but this probably would have to be funded privately - unless her social worker could help?

I know you're right fireman. I haven't been in touch with her. It's just so worrying.

enter Her SW has left and she doesnt have another one yet. the one who's left was lovely (even though sally refused to talk to her) the one prior to that (she's had about 7 or 8 since she turned 16) was just rubbish. She apparently will get one though. She doesn't engage with them. The only time she did was when she was under 16 and she did like her SW then.

I've not contacted her since her reply to my message which was (in horrid 'street' sort of talk, she never used to type like that!) that the money was for a tent. I know it wasn't and why I would buy her a tent when she knows I disapprove of the living on the streets thing is beyond me.