Do you think I’ll ever get my dsis back?

[BrainScience]

Nc’d as dsis would definitely recognise me from my previous posting history.

Dsis and I have been best friends our whole life. We were born 11 months apart and were in the same class for primary and secondary. Even now we live 80 miles apart we message each other everyday and speak on the phone a couple of times a week. She’s the funniest, cleverest, just loveliest person I know.

But, nearly 2 years ago she had her first child and has turned into a completely different crazy person. I’m sure when I had my first dc I was a bit child centric for a while but this is a whole new level. Her dh and her ate puréed food for 6 months when her dd wouldn’t eat anything through baby led weaning as they wanted to all eat the same as a family. I got her dd a little dress when she was a couple of months old. Dsis opened it and immediately shoved it back in the bag in shock and said ‘I told you she won’t be wearing dresses.’ She may have told me at some point during one of her massive lists of what they will/ won’t be doing for dd but I genuinely didn’t pick up on it. When her dd was about 6 months old I said something like ‘don’t you look pretty in your stripy leggings’ and was told I wasn’t to use the word pretty, I should say ‘strong’ or ‘brave’. If we ever go to cafes dsis will bring out a picnic she’s made for her dd and herself, again because the family must all eat the same thing. Once I got my dc’s an ice cream when we were out and dsis constructed a wall out of a couple of muslins and sticks so her dd wouldn’t see them eat it. I was told if I wanted to buy them ice creams could I let her know in future so she could remove her dd.

There are so many more crazy examples that it would take days for me to list. I thought it would last a few months and then she’d realise she was being nuts and go back to being herself. But it’s been nearly two years and there’s no sign of my dsis coming back. I don’t want to mention that she might be being a teeny bit ott with her dd because I don’t want to upset her. But she doesn’t seem to be bothered that a lot of her parenting is clearly disapproving of what I’m doing and it makes me feel a bit shit.

In previous years we always used to set Skype up next to each other when we watched tv series so it was like we were in the same room. She won’t do that now as she doesn’t want to use screens unnecessarily (even though her dd would be in bed) as it sets a bad example. I was watching GoT the other night on my own and I actually started crying because I missed my dsis so much.

Is there any hope of her coming back? I know everything changes when you have kids but I’d like just one conversation with her that wasn’t about how she’s raising her child. Or do you think I just have to accept this is who she is now?

OP, you just need to be patient and wait for her to come around, maybe by the time the kid goes to nursery or reception and she starts realising that no matter what you choose to do for your child... the child has a mind of her own and will do as she pleases (have fond memories of girls who were never going to be dressed in pink choosing to have EVERYTHING in pink and boys who were NEVER going to be allowed to play with toy guns building them up with Lego, sticks or even asthma inhaler spacers )

I have a nephew with autism, I might be flamed for saying this but... I didn’t mind his little foibles and having him around before DS was born and I totally adore him again since DS became quick enough to get out of DN’s way when he was focused in doing or getting something without noticing he could harm DS. But the space in between was very very difficult as DS was often shoved around, pushed and hurt and as a mum of a young baby/toddler you really get very defensive about it no matter how sure you are the other kid is not out to get him, my sister also used to get very offended when she saw us trying to remove DS from possible harm but now that both kids are older, it is much much easier and we do not have any problems.

Hang in there. I can assure you that we all get to a point in motherhood when we realise we are talking rubbish.

My dm is as concerned as I am but neither of us know what to do about it. I couldn’t imagine myself saying this a couple of years ago but we both genuinely fear she would completely cut us off.

We’ve considered trying to speak to her dh but he doesn’t seem to see anything odd in what they’re doing. He’s from a very academic background and works in academia and has his head in the clouds a lot. He’s pretty vague about stuff at the best of times and I don’t think he’d register our genuine concern.

My dh just thinks she’s being a control freak and her dh just goes along with it as he generally goes along with everything to avoid confrontation. Which could just be the case. I’d hate to tell her I’m concerned she’s got PND or some other MH condition when she’s just trying her best to raise her dd in the best way she can. Our upbringing was unconventional to say the least and I know she wants to give her dd something very different to what we had. I’m just not convinced the way she’s doing it is either beneficial or rational.

This is not normal and sounds as though your BIL isn't doing anything to address it either.

You might be right about your BiL, but I am from an academic background and work in academia, and I would absolutely not think her behaviour is normal, and I cannot imagine anyone I work with would think so either! I think it is more likely that he is going along with it for an easy life. I think if you are going to talk to anyone about it, he is the first person to talk to.

@number1wang

I said ‘or similar’. Her behaviour is not of someone sound of mind.

Sorry Sonja I didn’t mean all academics are mad, just my bil. Badly put by me. What I mean is he’s very rarely fully paying attention to anything that’s actually happening, he’s always either reading or thinking about reading and spends his life looking slightly confused and suprised about things. My dsis always used to joke he walks around like he’s in an episode of Quantum Leap and doesn’t really have a clue who anyone is or what he’s supposed to be doing. But in a very clever person way. If I said that to her now she’d probably tell me that mocking people is proven to stunt brain growth or something.

Sorry I've you've mentioned this, but have they struggled to conceive, or was there an exceptionally traumatic birth etc? Anything to make them extra worried?

Just wondered if that might explain how she is so protective over her child.

They struggled to conceive for a good few years. I know it was really hard on both of them. I have a suspicion that she may have had one or possibly even more miscarriages as they didn’t tell anyone until after the 20 week scan. I know she found it very hard when I got pregnant as dh and I hadn’t been together long and it upset her. She’s always said that all she really wanted in life was to be a mum so I totally understand why she’s so overprotective. But somethings got to give at some point. She’s either going to piss off someone who will actually say something back to her or end up completely isolating herself and her dd.

That may be part of the reason.

It does sound as though she is experiencing an abrupt change in her mental health, post-partum. I don’t think what you have described is in any way a normal or healthy reaction to becoming a parent. She sounds extremely anxious.

Sounds like she has post natal anxiety. I recognise a lot of what you're saying in myself (I am pretty much post recovery).
No idea what you can do really. Reach out to her in the most non-judgmental way possible? Reach out to her husband? X

Whether she has mental health problems, PND or a strange husband, the rule is the same: you cannot force support on anyone, you offer it when they ask you for it.

Nobody has to intervene unless there is a serious risk of harm to the kid, the mother and the family. And being precious, overprotective and eating purees with the baby is not what is defined as “serious risk of harm” unfortunately

Yes, sounds like post-partum anxiety or just generalised anxiety since the ‘baby’ is now almost 2. Is there a support group you could connect her with? Or any information you could stealthily send her way? It might be worth checking in with her, just asking her how she is doing e.g. if she says ‘Isla will only interact with people wearing blue from now on, please don’t approach her if you are clad in any other colours’ or similar nonsense, you could say ‘good to know, thanks for the heads-up. Anyway, Sis, how are you doing yourself? We spend so much time talking about the DC - how are you feeling?’ etc.

I think she will struggle as her DD gets older anyway. Children have a way of delivering reality checks to even the most perfect parents. I was adamant I would raise my DD in a gender neutral way but just from her personally she happens to be very caring and sweet, loves dresses and pretty things. It’s how she is and since she turned 3, she has been in charge, not me!