Termination support

[Findinghappiness]

Hi im just after some support.
I had a termination 10 weeks ago. And im really struggling with who i am.
I hate myself and my life has changed so much.
I am undeserving of anything especially my children and happiness.
I have 3 children ages 7, 4 and 2. And im 27.
When i found out i was pregnant me and my long term partner were at the worst point in our relationship. 2 of my children have heart conditions my 2 year old son has a very rare complex condition and requires open heart surgeries throughtout his life. He has his first when he was 3 weeks old. And being in hospital and away from my 2 other children broke me.
He has depended on me so much since and is due to maybe have his 2nd open heart surgery this year. I was advised that because i have 2 children with heart conditions it increases my chances to have another child with heart problems too.
At the time when i was pregnant i went to my friends babys funeral and said to my partner i couldnt be that family with a really poorly child who didnt make it. And i couldnt be away from the kids right now.
I felt so over whelmed at the point and my anxiety was so much thinking back to going threw my last pregnancy with my son and not fully being there to support my oldest 2 because ive been looking after my son. I get hyperemisis aswell all the way through. So just at that point dealing with a rocky relationship worrying about heart issues the anxiety of not being there with my kids and the hyperemisis just got on top of me.
Im so angry with myself that i didnt make it threw and carry on because i just hate myself so much.
Im not a young person who doesnt have children so i feel alot less justified. Plus i feel it makes me a bad mum. I feel horrendous to say the least.
Ive been seeing my gp and awaiting councelling but i no i will never forgive myself.

You sound very very brave and like a mum who absolutely loves her children.

take it easy on yourself x

It sounds to me as though you made a very sensible decision to avoid potentially 'breaking' your family at this point in time. Part of your job as a mum is to make decisions to influence the health and wellbeing of your family unit and thank heavens we live in a time and place where we can do this....

While this thought might not make it any easier in an emotional (or hormonal) sense right now please, please be very very kind to yourself. I'm sending you a big hug xxx

I would never judge anyone for their reasons for having a termination but my goodness you have so much going on in your life. Does your son have HLHS? From everything you’ve written you had the termination with your whole families wellbeing in mind. You are NOT a bad person, having a termination doesn’t mean your a bad mum, you sound like an amazing mum to the children you already have but unable to bring another into the world and to add to the juggling act your already doing to keep your family going. If your best friend was in your shoes would you think they were undeserving of their children and a bad person or would you think they were trying to do what they thought was best for the whole family?

My love, I’m so sorry. From where I’m standing you made a hard but ultimately the right decision for the family that you have. To me you are very young (20 years younger than me!) and have more than most of us will every have to deal with in a lifetime happening all at once.

Be very very kind to yourself.

Thank you for your comments. It doesnt make me feel any better though. I suppose i just wanted to speak to people and not feel alone.
I call myelf so much now. I tell myself how evil and nasty i am and unkind. Because thats how i feel inside.
Its not just the facr of the heart conditions it was the relationship on such bad state and me not knowing if i could get threw an anxious and overwhelming pregnancy while taking care of ny 3 children. My son is also getting to the age were im i can do something for myself ( this sounds so horrible ) and i feel awful. But as all mums ive put myself to the bottom and have literally never done much if anything for myself for so many years.
But now i dont want anything for myself i just wish i carried on being a good kind person.
My son has truncus arteriosus. And he has a dysplastic valve and vsd.
So he has to have open heart surgeries to replace his conduit because it wont grow with him. And eventually will need a new valve aswell.
Im angry at myself because i could have managed i just had to tell myself this. But i didnt at the time x

I was so bad that i went to my local a&e department to speak to the mental health team last week. X

You sound like a superstar mum to me...what a lot to deal with.

Im angry at myself because i could have managed

Perhaps but it would have been at a tremendous cost to yourself and your existing children.

Sometimes all paths available are shit so you just choose the least shit path to go down. Hope that makes sense!

You're not a bad mum.
You have put your existing children and family first, and for that alone you deserve the kindest words and thoughts.
You made a decision for reasons that are entirely understandable, in the face of very difficult circumstances.
I too have had an abortion, for different reasons than yours, but equally justifiable.
In my case, it took me a while to be able to forgive myself, but now looking back, whilst I'm sad about it, I know it was the right thing to do.
Go easy on yourself, Findinghappiness.

You did what was right for you and your children, you are a mum and a good one.

finding you made a brave and selfless decision with your existing children in mind. That makes you a good mum. I read somewhere that often women have terminations out of love for the people around them and I really believe that is true.

You poor thing, you are hurting so much. You are a kind, caring mum who loves her children.....that is the main thing that comes across from your post. I wish you well, and hope you can find peace because you really deserve it.

We are here for you OP. You can also contact the Samaritans

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6ezy36aF4gIVbpPtCh3T4Q32EAAYASAAEgIY2PD_BwE

You did what you did for the best - that's all you can tell yourself. Sometimes all the choices are awful, and you have to choose the least worst. Doesn't stop it hurting but you have to hold on to that, you acted for the best, and the welfare of your existing children has to come first. I had a termination for medical reasons, and those were the things that helped me. Yes there were terrible days when I felt like I didn't deserve any children, but they did pass. I do think you should get counselling though, and some bulletproof contraception!

To me it sounds like you made a sensible decision. Baring that in mind it's not always the easiest, I had a termination 8 years ago and it's something I often think about even though I still stand by my that it was absolutely the right thing to do. My point being it may always be a sore thought but it doesn't mean you will regret it forever. I hope this gets easier for you OP

I really am far from a superstar mum. My son is fine now he has his 6 monthly check ups now and we are just waiting on his next surgery.
But at the start my life was just in his bubble which i only realised recently that my attention has been on my son rather then my eldest 2.
Im just angry at myself that i didnt control myself better and wasnt kind and caring. I feel now that my mind is much more settled i made the wrong choice and its breaking my heart everyday when i look at my kids i feel pain inside because ive lost someone just like them because of myself. Id never expect me to do what i have done. But at that point i just didnt feel i had the strength and clear mind to continue. Its all what ifs. Because this baby could have been completley fine with no heart problems. And im just a horrible person who did even give chance.
I thought id be ok naively because i thought it was best that i carry on with my 3 kids right now without the mental worries of not being there for them. But i was wrong. Im not fine. I hate myself.
I hate myself that i even made that option. And i hate myself that i convinced myself it was ok.
I dont feel anyone else is bad when they choose there decision because that is there life and it doesnt affect my life. But i no the mum i am and i no that having my babies means the world to me and i really let myself down and became a massive failure.
Not long after i started to wake up with panuc attacks and couldnt breath properly.
I feel like my children deserve more than me they deserve who i used to be the person that had onky goodness in her heart.
Thanks for your replies. X

I have been to the gps and waiting for counselling because i told her i feel like i deserve to die now.
I kept waking up think i didnt deserve my life anymore. And that i am not the person i always thought i was.
I love babies i really do. Im just shocked at myself because i looked at the situation from not wanting my life to change in a bad way for my family. I wanted to be a happy mum and didnt no how much more i could handle at this point.
But i am a very un happy mum now. X

You feel like a different person but you aren’t. You are still the same mum to the kids, probably the only one who knows how they like their hair, how they like their breakfast and all their little quirks. You are still their world, never forget that. If you died it would devastate them

I have no advice, but remember you have done and are doing what is best for yourself and your family. No one can take that away from you.
You are so strong and I just wanted to tell you that.

Please take heart from the fact that you are doing right by you and your family xx

I’ve been where you are and 9 years later I still regret it every day.
I do think though it is better to regret not having a child than to regret having one.
It wasn’t the right time for you and you have so much on your plate already but i do know how you feel

I hope you are feeling OK this morning, OP.

You are a human being doing your best under very difficult circumstances. No-one can be the perfect textbook parent in such a situation. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard the days must be for you, not just managing but seeing your little boy in hospital, it must be heartbreaking.

You can only split yourself so many ways. And you are important, your well-being is important.

Keep talking, OP - people are listening.

I am feeling horrible as normal. I really let myself down and let my children down.
I am a bad person. So how can i be a good mum with all the badness inside of me.
I was so naive. To think of how much i could handle at that point in my life.
When i just had to push myself harder. X

You are a brilliant Mum because you put your families needs before yourself and made a massive, heartbreaking decision to do that. Even if pregnancy and labour went amazingly well you would still need to dedicate a hell of a lot of time and energy to a baby on the best days. Your children need you right now but that’s not to say circumstances might change and you can have more children later.
I decided to terminate as I was going through divorce and had a newborn at the time. I think ‘oh she would have been 9 now, we could have done this, she might have liked that’ etc (in my head it was a girl) but the reality is over the last 9 years I wouldn’t have coped, my son has disabilities and needs me 24/7, I’ve struggled with just him so I know I did the right thing and I can’t just have a 9 year old daughter appearing seamlessly into my life, it would have taken more than I had to get to this point if you see what I mean.

You’ve not let yourself down. Being a good mum is hard, which is why you feel like this, but you shouldn’t. You were between a rock and a hard place - is that the saying? No easy decision, but you did the right one think. Take it easy on yourself.

I wish I could give you a hug right now. Here’s a virtual one

If you came to me as a friend and told me this, i would offer compassion. You are not bad.

You are telling yourself that you are a bad person and this will not help at all. Try and step outside of yourself for a moment and imagine a friend in the same situation coming to you and think how you would respond. Would you feel they were a bad person? If the answer is no, please consider self talking to yourself the same as you would a friend and giving yourself the same advice and kindness.

Regardless of how it came about, you are mourning a loss. Please do not deny yourself this time to grieve because you are entitled to grieve.

I wish you all the best.

I would never have another baby now not after deciding to end my pregnancy. I am not deserving or a baby even when my children get a bit older and more independant. I used to be a really happy mum and wake up with peace in my heart. But i really ruined myself by doing this.
I wouldnt think someone else was a bad person. I no people who have had terminations for different reasons. Alot when they were younger teenagers. And i feel they are so much more justified to me. Being young and not in a long term relationship.
But when it comes to myself i have really deep hatred. Because i no that if i pushed more i could have made it threw. And im angry at myself that i gave up. I am now a very very broken mum because of myself.
I dont no how i can be the person i used to be anymore.
Thanks for your comments. X