Termination support

[Findinghappiness]

Hi im just after some support.
I had a termination 10 weeks ago. And im really struggling with who i am.
I hate myself and my life has changed so much.
I am undeserving of anything especially my children and happiness.
I have 3 children ages 7, 4 and 2. And im 27.
When i found out i was pregnant me and my long term partner were at the worst point in our relationship. 2 of my children have heart conditions my 2 year old son has a very rare complex condition and requires open heart surgeries throughtout his life. He has his first when he was 3 weeks old. And being in hospital and away from my 2 other children broke me.
He has depended on me so much since and is due to maybe have his 2nd open heart surgery this year. I was advised that because i have 2 children with heart conditions it increases my chances to have another child with heart problems too.
At the time when i was pregnant i went to my friends babys funeral and said to my partner i couldnt be that family with a really poorly child who didnt make it. And i couldnt be away from the kids right now.
I felt so over whelmed at the point and my anxiety was so much thinking back to going threw my last pregnancy with my son and not fully being there to support my oldest 2 because ive been looking after my son. I get hyperemisis aswell all the way through. So just at that point dealing with a rocky relationship worrying about heart issues the anxiety of not being there with my kids and the hyperemisis just got on top of me.
Im so angry with myself that i didnt make it threw and carry on because i just hate myself so much.
Im not a young person who doesnt have children so i feel alot less justified. Plus i feel it makes me a bad mum. I feel horrendous to say the least.
Ive been seeing my gp and awaiting councelling but i no i will never forgive myself.

I cant actualy believe sometimes what i have done and the person and mum i turnes out to be.
I let all my emotions and anxietys and worries take over and i made a huge major mistake that i wont ever forgive myself for. How could i forgive myself for being this way x

Cant believe that should say

I am such a bad person and i deserve nothing in my life. Everytime my children have been born ove never left them ever and this time i gave up. I cry because i dont understand what happened to me. I should have carried on and the regret is eating me. I no i wont ever get over what ive done. Because i hate myself

Hi Op,
I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I'm the same age as you and I had a termination around 9 weeks ago.
It's such an incredibly difficult situation to be in and it really was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
It's been a couple of months now and I still get incredibly sad about the whole thing. I even had a little cry to dp last night about it.
You really do sound like an incrediblely selfless mum. You've made a heart breaking decision in the best interests of your family and it sounds to me like you've done the right thing.
Please go easy on yourself, you aren't a bad person, you're far from it
Please feel free to pm me if you need to x

You’re not a bad mum at all, quite the opposite. You made a selfless decision for the sake of your children putting them and their health first. You have don’t absolutely nothing wrong .

I really am a bad mum and person. Because i told myself i wasnt doing anything wrong. But i dont understand why i did that. Finding out i was pregnant at the time me and my partner were on the verge of splitting up and i was emotionally drained. Then thinking of all the possibilitys of being away from my kids and my son when he needs me i cared alot about my pregnancy but not enough. And its killing me. I thoight it was the right decision for me and my kids. I didnt want my children to be without me or me be without them. And i didnt want to affect them if mums sad and worries about if something is wrong. Or with another child i didnt want to be a sad mum with too much. This is so stupid. Because i really just wanted to be with my kids and i really just wanted to be a happy mum. I wish that someone told me i was doing wrong. My hyperemisis was kicking in and i couldnt function properly. So i hate nyself even more for not controlling all those feeling in my body and just thinking i cant do this right now.
With hinsight its the worst choice of my life.
I just wish i found the strength in myself when i needed it.
Because i was going to be a really good mum. Now i just feel like my children deserve so much more than me. And it makes me really sad.
Me and my partner have split up now too as i just cant continue with him when he could have support me so much more.
My baby needed a mum to protect it. And i didnt do that. So why do i deserve to be happy. I dont.

Thinking back my pregnancys are so hard for me.
And going through that again with the hyperemisis and the anxiety of worries and the sadness of the thought of not being with my children again or there for my son if he needed me. And then the relationship issues and unhappyiness in myself. It was alot of emotional and mental things that i just didnt get threw. I just had to try more and give more though. I felt so stretched as it is. But happiness comes from within. I just had to make more changes. Now i will never have happiness within because of what i have done.

I'm so sorry you feel like this and are being by so hard on yourself. I mean this kindly but every pregnancy carries a risk. If the worst had happened in this one and you had died your children would have been left utterly bereft without you to take care of them. Maybe you've made a decision that has saved your family. I know you're desperately hurting and I hope you feel better soon.

I really am not being hard on myself i am being real with myself. Because i have turned into an awful horrible person. And i really deeply hate myself. I dont understand who i am anymore.

If you were my daughter I would tell you that you made a brave and correct decision. Please be kind to yourself.

Whats so funny????