If your partner was away would you hear from them?

[mummyhaschangedhername]

Married 12 years and we haven't really done anything apart, other than him visiting his best friend (500 miles away) a few times when he was dying. Even then we called me at least once a day and texts in-between.

He's away with a friend, abroad, driving holiday for 5 days. I haven't really heard from him, he did call when he arrived as his friend was in the toilet other than that, it's been the odd emoji (literally in response to me asking how he slept and he gives a freezing one) or thumbs up.

I guess we have always spoken everyday, usually for hours, we did long distance before we moved in together and so would talk for hours but I'm feeling like I'm being a bit too needy so I've not called him or kept interrupting his time away.

For clarity, We have 4 children two of which have autism and learning difficulties (one with ADHD), I'm feeling poorly, we were halfway through renovating the house so currently have no kitchen (and more frustratingly no kitchen sink), I think although he didn't say I had to, but he would like me to have the kitchen painting this weekend although he would never expect it as he knows how difficult it is with the children and how the change and distribution causes extra stress for my children with ASD. The children are equally upset as Daddy is on "holidays" abroad and we have never gone aboard as a family and excited and constantly want to know what he is doing and see where he is on the map.

Half of me is really enjoying the peace and quiet to be honest and the realisation that I'm capable by myself but then the other half is missing having someone to talk thing through with (I sort of shared some frustrations to a friend and it's backfired and I'm regretting it).

Anyway, I was just wondering what's normal. I think he is away getting a break from everyone and everything so just let him enjoy and I'm being irrational to be irked by the lack of communication, but I'm a total over thinker so I find it difficult (it's Snowing there today and he's sleeping in the van so I worry but then I think I'm clearly overthinking everything).

I think hes being extremely selfish and would be having words when he got home of that nature!

My first question is when do you get your 5 days away for peace and quiet?

Yes I would hear from DH, he’d find time to call me and our children at some point every day. Plus he’d text me to make sure I was okay in the morning.

Your DH sounds very selfish, why does he get a holiday abroad when you can’t afford one as a family? Or is it not money but the disruption of routine for your children with SEN?

No, I wouldn’t really hear from dh. On a 5 day break, probably a text to say he’d arrived and probably 1 call to speak to us and tell us what’s like there.
He’s not selfish and I get time away too. Though when I do, I have to call every day as I want to know how the kids are.

He's on a 5 day holiday abroad when you never go abroad as a family, he isn't in contact and he expects you to have painted the kitchen while looking after 4 kids when he gets back. Yeah right. What planet is he on?

Do you know the friend he is with?

He is being selfish and unreasonable.

Are you sure he’s actually with the friend he says he is?

Mine is away atm and I’ve heard from him literally every hour since he left. Also at 3am this morning when he decided to FaceTime me 🙄
I wouldn’t be overly upset if he didn’t contact me much...I think a lot of men get carried away with ‘man time’ when they’re away with their mates. As others have said, when do u get your 5 days to yourself? Under the circumstances I think heading off for 5 days with a mate is a bit selfish 😕 x

My DH is away fairly regularly and is completely shit at keeping in touch. We've agreed now that he should at least text me when he arrives safely and text when he sets off so I know when to expect him back. Anything else is a bonus!

An ex sometimes traveled a lot with his career, he would often be in a new country each day, it was completely normal to go 1-2 weeks without hearing from him.

Seems a bit unfair you don’t get to go away. It seems you could do with a break too, I think home renovations and kids are hard enough. On top of that 4 children are a lot and then additional needs is even more tiring!! I hope you can at least get away as a family at some point. Sod painting the kitchen I wouldn’t bother.

My DH has gone away and we’ve spoken everyday, mainly because I am pregnant (our first). In the past when he’s gone away we’ve not spoken everyday, I’ve never been fussed.

No I wouldn’t expect to hear too much from DH in that scenario but I also get equal time away or alone as him. However if I messaged him to say I’m having a rubbish day he’d ring me straightaway and be as supportive as he could (and vice versa).

Do you get time away from the home too? Is he generally thoughtful and supportive? Could you message saying you’re finding it tough and would love to have a chat with him?

My DH would be in contact every single day.
I think your DH is being incredibly selfish. Doesn’t he care how you all are / how you’re coping with the children?
I would be having strong words.

What would concern me is that he used to be inregular contact when you weren't with him so this seems unusual for him.

The DH is responding to texts by emojis so there is no reason to worry about him.

I wouldn't be too upset tbh. When I'm away I like to get away properly and ditto don't particularly want to hear from DH when he's not there. However if the DCs are missing him then he should be making more of an effort, and as for expecting you to paint the room with 4 DCs on your on - pah to that.

When he gets back next weekend I'd hand him the paint pots and head out yourself for a bit of a break

My DH spends at least one night away every week. I probably hear from him once in the 48hrs 50% of the time. We hardly ever message or text during the day as I don’t have my phone with me at work.

I go for work and some days its difficult to ring as i work very long days, in an environment where you have to get the work done. I try to ring after work before dinner for a few minutes but when Im away 3 days I often miss one of them, and the other two are boring from my side as theres nothing exciting to say, but I do get to hear whats going on at home.

Id like to think if I were on holiday I would call each day and send pictures too! You need to plan your one!

A mixed bunch.

To answer/respond to some questions or statements.

He doesn't expect me to paint the kitchen, but he did mention it, I think he would like it done, but he doesn't expect it at all.

We haven't given away for lots of reasons, money I guess is part of it, 6 people going away is significantly more than the £500-600 is so he will be spending (should be less than that buy friend hasn't paid his half yet). We do go away, usually 2 or 3 breaks a year in this county, we are away for the weekend next weekend (although my parents are paying, we often do that, they pay one and we pay one). Kids don't have passports either.

I do know his friend, they hang out a lot.

The trip was originally going to be us as a family, kids don't enjoy the sport at all though, but I could have worked around it like I have when we have gone here. Friend asked to go as it's a significant birthday year, was supposed to be split the costs but friend still hasn't paid his half yet.

The kitchen kind of evolved from doing some tiling to ripping the entire thing out and knocking down walls. I did expect it to be done by now but it's no where near done unfortunately (he's working full time an doing it on his days off with my help).

In theory he would be happy for me to go away. But he wouldn't get the time off so the reality would be unlikely and I would feel guilty, so wouldn't, although the girls have talked about it and I do go on nights out where as he never goes out unless it's to the cinema.

I'm just an over thinker and I'm not used to not having him to talk to, so I'm missing it, but I expect IABU to expect him to call. I always thought he would keep more contact because he always has, so I'm just a little lost and sad.

I don't think he's selfish, I think we were both happy about the arrangement but I just miss him I guess.

Sorry,forgot to say a big part of not going away is that I didn't think the children would manage at all aboard, planes etc would be highly difficult. I do think they would cope now, but it's a lot for us all to go and I am not sure where we would go which would work for the children. I am tempted to take them camping, as they are used to camping (camping provides a amount of similarity but in different locations). We do get away though, but we tend to do short trips as they boys get stressed when out of routine.

He's definitely with said friend, I did all the booking and planning for the trip 🙄 😂

It's motor racing, I follow the race so I know a lot of the time he won't be able to call at all. Totally fine with that. I guess I'm just surprised there is no contact in the hours he's sat in the car In the freezing cold with his mate, he's not the most social so I can't see them talking for hours. It's snowing there, so I kind of expected a text saying look at this snow etc but I think I'm expecting too much. He's away and I should let him enjoy. Today he travels to another location (and thankfully stays in a hotel tonight), so hopefully away from the motor race I will hear from him.

Think you just sound a bit low and her for a quick vent. By your reply seems you don't begrudge him going and he wouldn't begrudge you going.
DW went to away for week to Tenerife with freinds flew on sunday text me wed to say she got there . I work away a few time a year and text to say got there but thats it . Very much think if there a problem you'll get in touch .

Yes DH would call every day to ensure all is well and fill me in on his day.

Not quite the same DP goes away a few times a year with work and we get a couple of texts, a call if something important has happened but usually he’s just too busy for long conversations.
I used to go away a bit as well and found the same thing tbh, especially if there’s a time difference.
It isn’t always easy for the one at home but I find it better now the DCs are older.
Hope your kitchen gets sorted soon, and definitely get the money off his friend!

It's definitely better now the kids are older, he wouldn't have dreamed of going a couple of years back.

Thanks everyone, it's good to just know what's normal for each other.

My DH goes away for work sometimes and always keeps in touch with me. He will phone or at least text to say he has arrived safely. He will phone every morning when he gets up and every evening before he goes to bed.

He will also try and phone me at least once during each day. He will also let me know when he is on his way home and give a rough idea of what time he will get home

I never did much, I quick Facebook messenger message saying arrived safely (usually with pictures of the amazing views etc as it's for work) then just the odd message, usually it's the USA which means dealing with time zones. But he's always traveled and long before FaceTime existed so not expecting more ever