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Original poster

Received awful news on holiday

47 replies

sadonholiday1 · 04/05/2019 08:22

Hi everyone. I’m on holiday with my DP at the moment for my birthday (big milestone birthday) we were having such an amazing time. Found out yesterday that my grandmother has passsd away back home. I’m devastated and haven’t left the hotel since.
All of my family have urged me to try and stay the next week and just enjoy myself because it’s what she would have wanted. But I feel so wrong doing that and can’t stop thinking about my poor mum... DP fully supports whatever decision I make.
I don’t even really know what advice I’m looking for, maybe just a handhold... I just can’t believe it.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 04/05/2019 08:23

Sorry to hear this OP, however I do agree that I too would want you to stay Flowers

MondeoFan · 04/05/2019 08:25

I had this before I was on holiday only one day in and I was told my friend had died. I was devastated and cried on and off for a whole day, it was me DH and DD 7. I understand how you feel

squashyhat · 04/05/2019 08:28

Sorry to hear this. I would stay as long as you can be home in time for the funeral. Slightly the other way round but my Father died last year a few weeks before a big holiday I had had booked for ages. We were able to deal with the immediate issues and have the funeral before the holiday but I still felt guilty going. Family and friends assured me it was the right thing to do and he would have wanted me to go and I did enjoy myself (apart from breaking my wrist but that's another story!).

LilBoaty · 04/05/2019 08:41

So sorry to hear this OP. No advisce but I'd try and stay on holiday too. You can catch up with everyone when you return. People will understand. Obviously it's a personal decision though.

HeronLanyon · 04/05/2019 08:46

Totally your decision. I personally would think about returning to be with my mum. Kind of depends on whether you have siblings etc who are around to just be there for her.
I recently lost my own ma and also had to leave a long holiday on day 2 when my dad was taken ill and clearly wasn’t likely to make it.
Just do what feels right for you. Check in with your mum and take it from there. Don’t feel bad about staying and having a quieter holiday than envisaged. Equally don’t feel bad about enjoying yourself for the rest of the holiday if that happens.
Sorry op.

AmethystRaven · 04/05/2019 08:53

If your Mum has suggested you stay, would she feel guilty if you did go home early? I know you want to go home and support her (I would too) but would she feel bad about it? I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

fourstepsforward · 04/05/2019 08:57

If your holiday is ruined by this news anyway, I would go home and support your mum.

Exploration2018 · 04/05/2019 08:58

I would stay. I imagine your grandmother would have wanted it and also your mum wouldn't want you to rush home. You can support over the phone or Face time. A week is a very short time and I would put on a brave face and stay for my immediate family's sake. You are in shock right now, see how you feel in a day or two and try not to feel guilty. Your grandmother wouldn't want you to feel guilty.

Original poster
sadonholiday1 · 04/05/2019 09:01

Wow thank you so much everybody for all your kind messages Flowers It really means a lot.

I think my DM would feel a bit guilty if I went home. She’s with my DF, DSis and my aunt at the minute. Everyone really wants me to stay here and enjoy myself but it’s so hard. I haven’t really had a chance to properly speak to DM either as when I ring there are lots of other family members there.

Heron you’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s almost like part of me wants to go home because if I end up enjoying my holiday here I’ll feel terrible. I know it sounds stupid but DP said something funny last night and I couldn’t stop laughing, and then a minute later I was sobbing because I felt horrible and guilty for laughing and having fun.

OP posts:
Elphame · 04/05/2019 09:01

My grandmother died when I was on my honeymoon. My parents chose not to tell us until we got back as she would not have wanted us to come back.

Now you know though I think I'd be heading home.

Xenia · 04/05/2019 09:01

I am so sorry. As long as you will be back in time for the funeral I would stay on holiday as planned. Your grandmother would probably like you to continue to have your holiday. it might be quite expensive to pay for new flights home etc. if you are abroad.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 09:02

Sorry about Gran,that’s sad. So weigh it up can face staying on do you really want to go
Regard going how much longer of the holiday is left?if it’s a day or 2 I’d suggest stay and travel as group.
Are you ok to travel alone!
However if staying is too distressing them yes leave

Original poster
sadonholiday1 · 04/05/2019 09:03

Exploration a brave face is exactly what I’ve been trying to do. I was on Facetime to DSis yesterday determined not to cry because I thought what good will my tears do from all the way over here.

I think DSis is feeling particularly bad as they weren’t sure whether to tell me or not and DSis insisted they should. I’m glad they did though. It’d have been worse getting home to the news.

I’ll see how I feel today - I doubt a lot of sightseeing and walking take place as intended but a cup of tea in the sun will probably do me some good Flowers

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/05/2019 09:05

I think you need to do whatever it is you feel drawn to do and ignore peoples advice of either to stay or go. Do you need to be with your mum and sisters etc right now, or will the holiday keep your mind busy?
Neither option are wrong or right. If you go home, there might be nothing practical you can actually do, but there is nothing wrong in being in the fold of your family and collectively grieving.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 04/05/2019 09:05

Formulate a plan. If you know when the funeral is, make sure you're back for that or even a day or two earlier to support your mum. Once that's fixed, enjoy the rest of your holiday without guilt. You'll be mourning anyway so do it in a nice place. Whenever I've been bereaved we've gone on lovely long walks afterwards, perhaps eaten out, celebrated the person and missed them. It's helped clear the mind to cope with everything.

Don't feel guilty about staying but if you think it will make it easier for you if you're with your mum then go home.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 04/05/2019 09:05

As a mum of adult children I would be also not want them to rush back because a grandparent had died. The loss is bad enough without all the hassle of coming home in order to hang around waiting 2/3 weeks ( in the U.K. ) for the funeral.

Stay where you are OP. Grieve for your granny, cry, and in between these times, try and make some good memories with your DP.

PinaColadaPlease · 04/05/2019 09:05

I would stay if you can. I’m sure it’s what your Nan would have wanted and it sounds as though your Mum has support at home.

If however you have a strong pull to be with your Mum and family then go.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
sadonholiday1 · 04/05/2019 09:06

We arrived here on Wednesday and are due to go back on Wednesday evening so 5 days time.

Thank you everyone for advice and similar stories Flowers

OP posts:
SheRa · 04/05/2019 09:07

My Mum was away when my Grandma died. The thing is, my Grandma loved travel & she would have been furious if anyone had curtailed their travel plans for her, especially for her passing! I can just imagine what she would say Smile.

FrancisCrawford · 04/05/2019 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumblingbovine49 · 04/05/2019 09:08

Poor you, what a shock.
Give yourself some time to think about what you really want. If you want to stay then do, only go home if you really want to or if you really think your mother needs you. Give yourself a day or two to decide though.

floraloctopus · 04/05/2019 09:10

I would stay. We have an agreement in our family that if somebody passes away when somebody is on holiday that we won't get in touch until they come back, they can't do anything from where they are and other people can deal with paperwork and practicalities.

Sorry to hear of your loss OP, try and enjoy as much as you can of your remaining holiday. Flowers

HeronLanyon · 04/05/2019 09:12

FWIW I went out to eat with my dp the very day my ma died. Still think back with wonder at that. We were starving after travel and general upset. In shock and numb. I suggested it as couldn’t even think about prepping food. Very close to familiar restaurant. Dp kept close eye on me. Stuffed myself chatted about this and that. In total shock and needed lots of stodgy food. No tears due to complete unreality of it. Had good sleep. Just what was needed.
I do still think how odd but wholly right that was.

MrsAmaretto · 04/05/2019 09:12

In reality though apart from giving your mum a cuddle and making her a cup of tea, what can you do? Having had several close relatives die (my dad, sibling, grandparents etc.) Apart from the first couple of days of utter despair your then caught up with the practical funeral arrangements etc. There’s relatives and friends etc filling the house, people to feed and reminisce with etc. It’s at the end of the funeral when everyone goes that you need physical and emotional support again.

The rawness of grief has just hit you and I wouldn’t make any decisions. Allow yourself a bit of time to grieve and be supported by dp.

When my gran was dying and my uncle had a major holiday booked, she specifically told him to go and that she did not want anyone contacting him if she died as it would make no difference. She loved travel and believed that life was to be lived. It’s okay to have happiness even if you are grieving.

alittleprivacy · 04/05/2019 09:13

I'd go home. I find the days immediately after a death when family and friends gather together and cry and reminisce to be an essential part of grief. That bubble you create where you can both let loose with your devastation while also lovingly celebrating the person who has died is so important for dealing with the enormity of the loss. It's awful but it's also really beautiful and not something I'd want to miss. I know your family want you to enjoy the holiday you have looked forward to, but from my perspective I'd miss something more important if I stayed away.

On a practical level, have you checked your holiday insurance? You may be entitled to help with return flights, etc.