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Original poster

Received awful news on holiday

47 replies

sadonholiday1 · 04/05/2019 08:22

Hi everyone. I’m on holiday with my DP at the moment for my birthday (big milestone birthday) we were having such an amazing time. Found out yesterday that my grandmother has passsd away back home. I’m devastated and haven’t left the hotel since.
All of my family have urged me to try and stay the next week and just enjoy myself because it’s what she would have wanted. But I feel so wrong doing that and can’t stop thinking about my poor mum... DP fully supports whatever decision I make.
I don’t even really know what advice I’m looking for, maybe just a handhold... I just can’t believe it.

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 04/05/2019 09:14

Your grandmother would love to think you were able to have some nice times with DH between the tears. X

sayhellotothelittlefella · 04/05/2019 09:19

for you OP so sorry to hear your sad news. I had a similar situation. My DF died when I was on holiday and we still had a few days left. My DM and DB's said not to come back as it would only have made 36hrs difference but it was so surreal. I still had children to look after and trips to organise for the family ( DH was utterly shit - whole other thread ) I just remember sitting on the beach in the afternoon thinking ' my DF died this morning what the fuck am I doing on a fucking beach'. But looking back now there wasn't much else we could do and he wouldn't have wanted to spoil the DC's holiday. Do what feels right for you and be kind to yourself

junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2019 09:22

As long as you are home for her funeral it's fine to stay. In lreland we have funerals immediately but l think you will end up sitting around a lot and really not adding much to the situation.

Do try and have a personal chat with your dm though. Talk to her as you would at home and l presume she is the kind of mom who is not going to make a big drama out of this in the coming months.
My dm died pretty recently and l would not have expected my grown up kids to fly home to comfort me. But l wouldn't have liked them to be casual about it either which you are not.
Chat to your dm. Tell her you are happy to come home. It's my guess she will say stay.

JaneEyre07 · 04/05/2019 09:25

Stay and try to make the best of the time away. There is absolutely nothing you can do at home other than be with relatives, funerals take around a month on average these days to arrange.

Do what your grandmother would have wanted you to do - you're going to feel bad wherever you are at the moment, let's be honest. I'm really sorry for your loss

Eggshellnutmeg · 04/05/2019 09:26

Find an amazing view, gaze at it, stay some time, be still and raise a glass to your grand mother. It will soothe you.

alreadytaken · 04/05/2019 09:30

airlines can be very helpful in finding flights for the bereaved if you explain - so the practicalities can most likely be managed. If there was no reason to suspect death was likely insurance may cover the costs, not if they can argue it was predictable.

I dont think you should have been told unless your absence was so long it was necessary for you to attend the funeral. It's only a few days, you will be spoiling your DPs holiday (although it's spoilt anyway) and your mother will be in shock anyway. She will benefit from your support much more in a weeks time when the mass of people have disappeared and she does not have to deal with guilt over your return.

Medicaltextbook · 04/05/2019 09:35

So sorry that your grandmother has died. There is no right or wrong decision here so whatever you decide is absolutely fine.

Have you (most likely DP) checked the practicality of returning early? Are there regular flights and seats available? If not that might help the way you feel about the decision. If it will be very hard to arrange then maybe make the best of being where you are.

TunstallTansy · 04/05/2019 09:36

I would stay. We have an agreement in our family that if somebody passes away when somebody is on holiday that we won't get in touch until they come back, they can't do anything from where they are and other people can deal with paperwork and practicalities.

Same in our family.

BlueBell50 · 04/05/2019 09:36

So sorry for your loss. My Mum has been quite clear that if anyone of the family is away when she goes that they must not come home. I know that I would find it difficult but I would go along with it. I have adult children and I would not want them to come home to look after me if she died (or come home if it was me or their dad who had died). Be kind to yourself, but stay and may have a quieter holiday than planned.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 09:58

Your grandma has died and that is really sad for you. As it’s a big milestone birthday for you I imagine you’re at least 40, which would probably put your grandma in her 80’s. She had a long life. Enjoy yours while you can. So no, wouldn’t go home.

SecondHandTicking · 04/05/2019 10:09

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong answer. If finances allow you could plan to go away another long weekend together, maybe August bank hol or something. That would give you mental "permission" to either curtail this holiday early, or just spend time quietly in the hotel/ walking along the beach instead of being out trying to make the most of every day.

I think I'd stay and keep it a bit quieter than you otherwise would, but go with your own gut.

VioletCharlotte · 04/05/2019 10:12

So sorry for your loss OP If it were me, I'd want to fly home if possible to be with my Mum. You need to do what feels right for you, and if that means flying home, then that's what you should do.

MardAsSnails · 04/05/2019 10:16

Sorry OP.

I was on my way to a family destination wedding when I heard my best friend had died. I had 4 days before I was meeting up with anyone so was alone for 4 days.

Her husband told me to stay. She’s been hearing about this wedding and my plans for the trip for months and had helped me choose my outfit and hotels. There was no way she’d have wanted me to miss it.

The hotel manager arranged a car for me to take me to a lovely little place she knew nearby, by a river, with no tourists around (and a picnic with wine). It was absolutely lovely and I spent the day crying and scrolling through photos and messages on my phone. Just what I needed. Maybe you could do something like that? Arrange a day to think and reflect and let yourself go. The next day, if you still want to go home, go. For me, that reflection time helped me realize that I should still carry on with my trip and that nobody would judge me for it.

When I saw my family I had another good long cry, however not one person (openly - no idea if anyone did quietly) judged me for staying.

ForalltheSaints · 04/05/2019 10:19

Sorry to read of your loss. I'd think about what your grandmother would have wanted you to do, just as long as you can get to the funeral.

Kind and thoughtful suggestion, MardAsSnails, I think.

Topseyt · 04/05/2019 10:37

I think I would stay until the end of the holiday, as it is only five days so you are likely to be back for the funeral anyway?

There's no right or wrong answer though. Do what feels right for you.

This did happen to me when my own grandma died about 25 years ago. I was on holiday abroad when she died. Mobile phones were not yet a thing so it was much harder to contact someone who was away from home back then. So I didn't know about it and the funeral had had to be held before I got back. It took me a while to really accept that, but I do know that she would have wanted us to be enjoying ourselves and happy.

I'm sorry for your loss, and that it has happened in this way. It is hard. Perhaps get a nice bottle of wine or champagne, choose a nice spot to sit in, and raise your glass to your grandmother.

stucknoue · 04/05/2019 11:11

My parents chose not to tell me by grandmother was in hospital with days at most, on my return there was a note by the answering machine (dad had a key) to ring home whatever the time (this was pre mobiles) she died 8 hours later and mum believes she hung on for me!

It's so hard I know but your dm has support and there's actually nothing you can do, your dgm wouldn't want you to go home

EugenesAxe · 04/05/2019 11:32

How old was your GM - I presume it was quite a shock? For me there’s a big difference between DP and DGP dying when you’re away. Obviously I would go back for the former but if my DP was well supported I would be able to stay out somewhere and grieve/ remember my DGP, while enjoying my holiday.

I don’t tend to feel guilty for being happy or enjoying myself in the wake of a death, as I will think of the person who has died at those moments and maybe talk to them in my head; like prayer but with the person who’s died. Sometimes I will see something that will trigger a period of intense sadness about the death, but again I share those feelings with the dead person, sort of give them to them.

I sort of think any emotions, good or bad, that make you think of the person who’s died are a positive thing. They are part of grief and they help you process things, but you can use them to honour the dead. I don’t think anyone would want their loved ones to mark their death by being permanently miserable. As long as you’re not callously forgetting the dead, you shouldn’t worry about being happy. Give it to them with your love.

TanMateix · 04/05/2019 11:42

OP, if staying there would make you miss her funeral, I would say run home. But running home to not be able to do much apart of waiting...

My father’s best mate died, they were close as brothers since uni and had been business partners for decades so my sister called to tell me but also said his wife had requested they were not told to avoid ruining their holidays, I did my best to keep a straight face but a couple of days later my sister called again to say it must be better to tell them as it was just fair that they could express support to the family and not have such a shock coming back home to hear the news and find out the funeral had already passed.

So I told him, he was obviously upset but we spend a good part of the rest of the holidays reminiscing about him, we talked a lot about him, we laughed about stupid things they had done and ended up having not a holiday abroad looking at the highlights of the place but a quite a healing time away and together in a place allow us to disconnect from other things.

But if you would feel better heading home, just do. If you stay, just make sure you adapt the expectations of the trip, it may not be a trip of sun and fun but one that allows you to get closer to yourself and people around you.

NoSauce · 04/05/2019 12:24

Find an amazing view, gaze at it, stay some time, be still and raise a glass to your grand mother. It will soothe you

That’s a nice thought.
OP do what you feel is right. Keep in mind that your mum is being supported by your dad and other family members but if you really want to be at home then that’s fine too. Take care of yourself.

Original poster

sadonholiday1 · 04/05/2019 12:28

Thank you so much to all of you for sharing your ideas, your experiences and your thoughts. It has been soothing and cathartic to read them all and I really do appreciate it.

I have been very lucky to get this far in life without losing any close family members, so this grieving process feels very alien. I keep worrying I’m ‘not doing it properly’ (for example what I said about having a giggle with DP makinf me feel guilty). Your posts have made me think very differently and realise that’s it’s important to do whatever feels good.

I have spoken to DM and she insisted that I don’t come back, said she feels supported and comfortable with the family there. Like some of you have said about your family members, Grandma was a keen traveller and had actually been to where I currently am several times. DM told me some of her favourite places here and I think me and DP will have a quiet stroll to some of them later.

Flights home are regular and relatively cheap so I can go home at any time. I think I am going to see how it goes today. I won’t miss the funeral as I think that will take a while to sort out. We will see how today goes. As many of you suggested, I will probably have a quiet reflection and a glass of wine whilst thinking of my grandmother.

You have all been so wonderful

OP posts:

PH03b3 · 04/05/2019 12:32

Oh im so sorry, i think you've made a wise choice the world is a very small place thesedays with skype etc and I think your grandmother would quite like you going to her favourite places.

Topseyt · 04/05/2019 13:36

Don't feel guilty at having the odd little giggle as you reminisce, perhaps about amusing stories and anecdotes from your grandmother's life. Plenty of us do this. It is good. It is remembering her in a positive way and probably appreciating her style and sense of humour.

I have even heard plenty of humorous anecdotes told about the deceased at funerals. All done respectfully, raised a good laugh and broke the ice.

Enjoy your memories of your grandmother. If you know the names of any of her favourite bars and restaurants from the area you are visiting then see if you can find them and call in for a drink or two, or a meal.

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