Does your 12yo have lots of friends?

[worried84]

I'm feeling really anxious about my DS. He's 12 and in year 7. He's never really had a 'social life' outside school - apart from occasional birthday parties.
He does three clubs a week, which he enjoys, but when the weekend comes there is nothing on the agenda. I've asked repeatedly if he'd like to invite a friend over but he just says 'maybe' and never takes it further.
He likes being at home (our pets and the PS4 are his favourite things!) and I do know I am a worrier but I'm wondering how 'normal' this all is.
My dd didn't do much in year 6, I have to say, and now in year 9 she sees friends outside school regularly - but she's always seemed to make friends more easily.
I guess I don't know what I'm asking, exactly, except my vision of DS hanging out with a nice group of mates, 'Stand by Me' style, certainly isn't happening.

Try not to worry op. My DS was exactly like this in yr7. In fact, even now in yr9 he isn’t that fussed about going out.
He meets his friends occasionally in the holidays, usually to go to Nando’s or Pizza Hut or something, and he walks to and from school everyday with a couple of friends. He also plays and chats online with friends every night (Fortnite )
I wish he did socialise more tbh, but on the flip side, at least if he’s home I know he’s safe and not hanging around in parks or on street corners. We hear so much about violence and stabbings etc on the news now and it scares the life out of me.

Also, this generation is just so different to how I grew up - there was no playing online back in my day and if I wanted to chat to my friends on the phone I would have to use the house phone (no mobiles!) under the beady eyes of my dad muttering about the cost of the phone bill! Today kids can be in constant touch with their friends without leaving the house.
I find the more I try to encourage DS to go out or invite friends over, the more he doesn’t want to. I just leave it up to him now. Maybe your DS is just a bit of a home bird. And I’m sure he will start to develop more of a social life in the next few years.

I have a son in year 7 who is exactly the same. I often ask him if he wants to invite a friend over and he can never decide who or if he actually even wants to. It's his 12th birthday this weekend and we are going bowling and I asked if he'd like to invite a friend. He said he wasn't sure , which will probably mean no.

My daughter who is now year 9 was far more social and would have jumped at the chance to have a friend join us. I just conclude that that's just the way he is but sometimes I wonder if it's coz he hasn't got any friends ( new school) etc and it worries me but he seems happy so what can you do ?

I think kids do a lot of their socialising online these days. Both of my boys didn’t go out much til year 9, which was when they felt more confident and could actually get places on their own.

Thanks so much for replying, Poptart. Yes, it's a completely different world from the one I grew up in...I remember my mum setting an egg timer for three minutes for me to use the phone, and only after 6pm when it was cheaper 😃
All I want is for DS to be happy. And yes, when I ask him about seeing friends it annoys him. So hard to get that balance of being a concerned parent and learning when to back off!

More replies - thank you. It's a comfort (if trysts the right word) that other people have similar DCs.
My DS used to play Fortnite with friends and, I'm slightly ashamed to say, I was pleased as he was socialising in a way. But he's dropped Fortnite now, saying he doesn't like it anymore!

*that's not 'trysts'

Happy birthday to your DS babybird!

My ds11 is the same worried. I thought he would start secondary school and there would be an instant busy social life, that hasn't been the case. A few children occasionally call for him but he isn't into roaming around so always says no. I guess they will get fed up and not bother. He occasionally says that he hasn't really made any good friends at school and feels boring as he isn't one of the more 'spirited' boys that they seem to gravitate to. He is an introvert so needs time on his own but I do worry. He isn't allowed on a few of the social media groups others are on and I think that does great a barrier. Can't pursuade dp to let him and actually after seeing some of the messages I do agree he is just too young. After speaking to others, I hear it is the norm in Y7 whilst they are finding their feet and learning about who they are. As poptart says at least we know where they are

My ds sounds just like yours except he refuses any club or activities.
He hates new things and loves being at home , preferably with me.

I just have to trust that things will pan out.

DS says he's an introvert, too - and in the last six months he's totally been swamped by the onset of puberty and hormones so yes, I think they're juggling a lot at this age. Maybe five days of school are so full-on that some kids just need to do 'nothing' at weekends, apart from cuddling their dog and cat!

Ohyesiam that's how I feel - that there's nothing much I can actually do to get DS to fit a mould of what I imagine 11/12 year old boys to be. So I guess I just need to back off a bit and try to stop worrying so much.

Yes try not to worry.

My ds will be 12 soon. He started secondary without any primary friends. He seemed to settle in well and said he had lots of friends. I never saw any though as he never wants to do much on weekends. He lives his movies and Lego.

We had one invite for a sleepover that we couldn't do on that date (ds also does Scouts and Drama and he was in a panto that day).

We went for a parents evening recently and I couldn't believe the amount of boys who wanted to talk to him/be with him. Seriously, it was like walking around the school with a small Feris Bueller!

He's since been on a sleepover which he really enjoyed but he's not suddenly changed into wanting to hang out a lot.

Sorry I meant to add, some boys just like their own space and company.

Actually my DD is the same. Not until 14 has she started to make more time for friends.

Don't worry x

Well mine are 24 and 20 now. DS always very sociable and a party animal. DD always quiet and a bit of an island. They are who they are and will grow confident or quietly confident if those who love them most love them for the child they are.

My 12 yr old son is the same he's in year 7 I think it's just an awkward age I'm not really happy about him making his own arrangements and meeting up with friends yet, plus he's very shy, I was worried he didn't have friends at school, but I went to his parents evening a couple of days ago and met some of his friends ,I'm Hoping as he gets older and more independent he will have a better social life .

My dd at 12 was exactly the same and I think she had quite a tough time in years 7 and 8 because the kids were cliquey and a bit bitchy (boys and girls). But each year got better and now, in year 11, she has masses of mates, at school and outside of it. As long as your ds has hobbies and seems OK in himself, I'd try not to worry. He'll find his people, if and when he wants to.

My DS (also 12) doesn't really have friends. That I know of. Although I suspect he talks to people at school and doesn't tell me because he likes to keep up the appearance of being miserable...

He would stay in his room on his pc 24/7 if he could. He has one friend that lives near by, but we need to do an awful lot of chivvying to get them to meet up. And even then they seem at a loss as to what to do with themselves.

Its tricky as his sibling (9) is the polar opposite, and is always asking if friends can come over. He also likes days out/activites etc whereas DS1 hates pretty much doing anything at all.

He’s doing plenty at 12, relax. Some people just aren’t particularly gregarious. Our daughter was very different, dozens of friends, never home. Each to their own.

Is he happy? If he is, no worries.

(Should have said our daughter was very different to our son, who was much like yours. He’s 26 now, perfectly sociable but still not masses of friends and still very much an home bird (through choice).
He’s extremely happy.)

16, not 26! Fingers aren’t working today!

Ahhh OP, I get where your coming from. DD is a bit younger (10) but is very similar. She doesn't even have any interest in clubs . So nothing to add except that I also worry!

Your Stand by Me comment did make me smile! It's sad but when I see DD's peers from school out together at the weekends in their Girl Gang I feel a bit jealous or inadequate somehow that despite me making lots of efforts to encourage her it's just not happening. Saying that she seems perfectly content and happy.

So many other reassuring comments here too,

Ohtheroses that's a lovely post!

It's difficult because we want them to be happy above all else but asking if they are isn't helpful. Just be open and let him know he can talk to you if he is unhappy (in a year or so he may become monosyllabic). Would be be interested in an activity which might involve more involvement (sport with training and match every week, music or drama with performances, active scout troop)?

Hmm, my 12 year old does have lots of friends and is out quite a lot. I think this is facilitated by him having lots of different groups of friends; kids he goes to school with, kids he used to go to school with, kids he plays football with, kids he goes to scouts with, kids whose parents we are friends with.

We also live somewhere where it is safe for him to pop out to a mates house and for them then to go off on a bike or kicking a ball. He also has friends with parents on the same page as us who are happy for our boys to take a 5 minute train ride to our nearest town for a Burger or the cinema. Many kids don’t have that kind of freedom nowadays.

I guess all you can do is be gently supportive and don’t make him feel he is failing in any way. If he has friends at school and his clubs he’s probably fine.

May I just mention too that it's often the young people who don't need to hang with the herd who are the most successful later on.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone - it is so reassuring to hear that other people have similar DCs.
I'm going to make a big effort to worry less and just be here for him and, of course, accept him for the character he is.
He does enjoy the clubs and goes to them willingly so that's something!
It's also very good to hear from people whose DCs are much older, have come out the other side and are perfectly content. Thank you. Let's cherish our young introverts (and worry a bit about them at the same time ).