Things you would have like to hear from your dad when you were a preteen or teen

[disneyspendingmoney]

I just read an article on Fatherly that was 7 things a boy needs to hear from his dad, these are;

“I’ve Failed a Million Times.”

“You Have to Make Yourself Happy First Before You Can Make Others Happy."

“Was That Really Your Best Effort?”

"Treat People as You Want to Be Treated.”

“Hurt people, hurt people.”

“Don’t Always Blame Yourself.”

“I Love You and Understand You.”

www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-all-boys-need-to-hear-from-their-fathers/

I'm not 100% sure I'd want to hear that from my own dad, given the person he was.

As a single dude being a dude raising a 13 &10 yo dds by myself it's a fine line between doing the right thing and ballsing things up (I think I do more if the latter than the former)

What would you want to hear from your dad at those ages that would be helpful and meaningful.

BTW disclaimer journos and content creators don't pinch what people say and pass it off as your own as real people will be saying some meaningful stuff (I hope). That will be useful (to me).

I would have liked any warmth or praise.

DH and dd1 have a great relationship but I have noticed her looking for, even fishing for compliments or small signs of praise, and he is completely oblivious!

The last thing my dad told me before he died was that I was beautiful. As meaningful as that was at the time, and now, it would have been really good to have heard that from him as a teen.

I wanted some interaction. For him to not tell me how stupid I was but to praise the things I did well. To actually like me as a person.

I'd have thought the same stuff as you say to boys (though I'm nonplussed by the 'Hurt people, hurt people' - what does that mean?)

The important thing my dad did for us wasn't so much what he said, it was that he always listened to us and made us feel our opinions and ideas were valid and interesting. He wouldn't always agree with them (and he'd tell us why) but he would hear us out anyway. I don't think my dad ever said the words I love you but we knew we were loved.

That Your thoughts and opinions matter.

Actions speak louder than words.

Always make time to be available to them and listen to what they say.

Don’t dismiss their emotions if they are upset over what you may think is something trivial. Listen and encourage them to be resilient but compassionate.

Encourage their independence and be there to support them in their endeavours.

Try not to compare them with each other, with you or with others.

Praise when it is due and hold back on the criticism unless it’s asked for and constructive.

And of course, lead by example. Show them that you are a kind person etc.

And when the teenage years hit, don’t try to be their friend. Be their father even if you are seen as being the bad guy, as they will respect you for it when they mature.

Disclaimer- media are welcome to use my comments as they see fit.

Hurt (noun) people hurt (verb) people

That I was good enough.

I love you.

I know he loved me. But just once I would have loved to hear him say those words. He died without ever saying them to me. I had to get myself drunk as a skunk to say them to him as he was dying of cancer. I'm deeply ashamed of that.

Throughout my life my dad has always told me when he's proud of me. From learning to spell to GCSEs to my wedding day to my recent weight loss journey. Every small and big victory has been celebrated and noted.

But he's also set boundaries and made it clear when he's not happy or when I've stepped over the line. How that's been done has changed in the last 42 years obviously but for me those are 2 really important things a father should tell his child...when he's proud, and when they're overstepping boundaries.

I wish my dad would have said

‘I’m sorry I was a shit role model and support system’ I might have chosen not to go NC

He should have been saying :-

Don’t get tied up with boys, you will have a life time of meeting them, education will open far more doors for you than boys will.

Try and get involved in charity work - do something good for the benefit of some one else, it will make you feel good.

Don’t allow any one to make you feel shit about yourself - if they do, they are not your people.

Alcohol and drugs kill brain cells.

Smoking makes you look old and gives you wrinkles.

If a boy truly respects you, he will wait till you are 16 before he wants to have a sexual relationship with you.

Social media selfie pictures are just filtered lies and damages girls self esteem. Every one knows. Don’t be a sheep.

There is nothing you can say or do that will make me reject you.

Raising girls by Steve Biddulph is a really great book and I highly recommend it OP

And of course

I love you.

I am proud of you

The best thing my dad ever said to me, when I was a teen and starting to venture out into the world.

No matter where you are in the world, if you need me, call me and I will come and get you.

It made me braver than I thought possible to know I had that back up, and set me off on some interesting adventures and places that I wouldn't have ventured without knowing I had that support.

The strange thing is he can't remember saying it, but it has always stuck with me. (It was also always my brothers that needed rescuing hundreds of miles away at 3 a.m. and never me - I often wondered if he said the same to them?)

I would have just liked my father to have showed that his hobby and his new family were not more important than his daughters.

And for him to be emotionally available.

In part, I don't blame him. He didn't have a good example for a father.

I'd have liked mine to have said "I love you enough to give up drinking. I won't lie to you about anything ever again" and for him to mean it. Unfortunately that didn't happen and we have been NC for 3 years now.

Not wishing to sound patronising (but I probably will) that's all very doable.

The one thing I find uncomfortable is the "I love you". I was brought up with toxic masculinity so I always feel creepy AF when I tell them I love them, cos I do, even though...

Thank you all so far for that, My main hope us that they can spot and evade red flag as soon as possible and not get themselves into some of the emotional shitstorms that staying too long happens

I can't think of anything I wish my dad had told me, but I can remember things he did tell me:

• Never make yourself dependent on a man. (To this end he taught me to be financially and practically independent; I've never needed a man to support me or put up shelves).
• You're so intelligent I don't think there is anything you can't do if you set your mind to it (he was wrong about that as anyone who has ever tried my pastry can confirm)
• When I left home - don't forget if it doesn't work out you can always come home.

And he always listened to me, and always treated me as though I had something interesting and/or valid to say.

I'm not sure what I would have liked my father to say but what I'd have liked him to do when I was younger was try harder. I think it would have made me feel like I was a person worth trying for. We haven't spoken for two years.

Op, re saying I love you - my dmum suddenly started saying it to me (and my dsis) when she ended phone calls when I was about 17/18 (when I first left home). It was really awkward and almost felt like she'd read it in a magazine and we then felt obliged to say it back - I'm sure that makes me sound like a bitch. We are not a family who cope with emotion very well and all struggle to communicate our feelings. However, my relationship with my own ds is totally different and I find it much easier to communicate effectively with him - he may think completely differently .
There are many ways to show your dd's you love them aside from saying it...lots of alternatives have been mentioned in the replies on this thread.

Hi, sorry I left your mum when she was pregnant with you. Here's all the ££ I should've contributed to your upbringing.

I would have loved at ANY point for my dad to have told me he failed his first driving test (spectacularly in fact by driving straight over a mini roundabout...) When did I find out? A few hours after passing in a conversation that started from him asking "well, you weren't worried were you?" Well yes I was actually. Very in fact because my parents had paid for my lessons and test. I was absolutely terrified of failing and telling them I'd failed, and I know that put so much extra pressure on me to pass that simply wasn't needed. Smh.

I think actions speak so much louder than words.

As a teen my Dad and Mum would very often tell me they loved me, they would say well done etc etc.

However, they allowed a man to sexually abuse me, and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit for my whole life.

The best thing you can do for your daughters, is SHOW them you love them, LISTEN to what they are saying and HEAR them. Hearing and listening are different things.

Mine is a great dad. Really practical and grounded BUT there is always an undercurrent of disappointment. Everything is sort of downplayed.

It’s very waring. He is highly intelligent but emotionally pretty halted.

He’s there in a crisis to drive me to hospital after an accident but would never follow up with a phone call. Or ask for advice from me about something.

He is great but as a a teen we just ignored each other. I think he could have done more to encourage and try and see in to my world.

I get on better with my step dad now as an adult more than I did as a teenager but the one thing he said to me that sticks in my mind and still baffles me was when I told him at the age of about 13 how upset I was about moving high school/moving house/leaving my friends. I would've like to hear it's ok, it'll be fine. Anything just to feel reassured instead he simply said "tough" - that was the end of that conversation.

• I love you.
• Value yourself.
• I'm proud of you
• You're beautiful and you shouldn't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

Anything along those lines would've been great.
Also listen to what they have to say, and be interested in their thoughts, ambitions, worries etc. Don't belittle them, or dismiss them as nonsense.

My relationship with my dad is similar to that of a superior work colleague is probably the best way of describing it. Would have loved it to be different.