Top tips to remain calm during a difficult conversation

[PorridgeIsYummy]

Next week, I'm having a meeting with a very difficult colleague who wants to take part in a project I lead. I want to say no because she's a very poor team worker and I need to explain why clearly and in a professional way. Her line manager will be there with us - this is good on the one hand because I want a witness, but it's also tricky because she likes and protects my colleague.

It's not in my nature to say no to colleagues (or to anybody else for that matter) and I hate conflict; however, this colleague is prepared to walk all over me - I will not allow it.

I know I will be nervous and possibly even emotional and I need tips to help me keep calm and focused. I know what I want to say - the problem is how I say it say it and this is critical for the outcome of the conversation. I must be able to control my body language and not show my nerves and discomfort - how can I do that?

Wear comfortable but smart clothing.

Anti perspirant on the palms of your hands and back of your neck if you have long hair.

Some great advice here-

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.readersdigest.co.uk/inspire/life/how-to-use-body-language-to-appear-calm-and-confident%3famp=1

What do you want help with - how to tell her no and why? Or how to not react if it turns difficult

A checklist of topics to cover? Means you won't forget anything key in the heat of the moment, and you have no excuse to back out and not mention something just because it's awkward. If it's on the list, it's being said.

Breathing slowly. But not huge breaths! That might be odd.
And take pauses before you speak maybe.

I would speak to your line manager beforehand and go through your reasons so you are both on the same page. Ask for her support on this matter. Say no to this time but say if x,y,z improves then will consider next time.

That way its not going to be 2 against 1, and if your line manager wants it to haplen, you can discuss why and why not without her in the room.

Hi, thanks for the advice so far. My main issue is to control my nerves. I basically need to tell this colleague who think a she's the dog's bollocks that I don't want her in my project because she's a poor team worker.

I need to appear calm. She pounces on colleagues the minute she smells weakness... I don't want to make a massive deal of the meeting - I just want to say no, provide examples of her poor team-working record and basically smile and be in control.

Her line manager will be there with us ...she likes and protects my colleague.
You need an ally in the room. At the moment it is 2 against 1.
Have a reason to be somewhere else after the meeting i.e. have the conversation then wrap up the discussion; don't let it drag on.

Make a list of potential arguments and have responses for them in your head. Listen and nod, listen and nod and then state your position. Don’t be shy about making notes on front of them as to what’s being said, that might disarm them slightly. If you can tell them you have appreciated their points and will get back to them in due course. Best of luck and don’t be bullied. I know how difficult these situations can be, please update when you can.

O can't think of anybody else 4ho could legitimately be there because of the nature of the meeting. Yes, yoyre right - it'll e two against one and this is quite daunting.

What is the official process for deciding who works on a project? Why is her line manager attending as well?

Also, do you HAVE to have the meeting? Can you say no by email? Or do you need to meet her?

You need to have written down clear example from the past which demonstrate that she is suited for this new project. Evidence would be excellent, as well, such as any emails you may have from other colleagues.

I don't want her in my project because she's a poor team worker
I think that you might be on dangerous ground there because that is subjective. You need an objective reason e.g. there are only 5 roles and I've already filled them. Then lie through your teeth follow it up with some flannel like "Of course, I'll think of you next time there's an opportunity". Even better, foist her off onto somebody else's project.

Her line manager has a small input in my project, so she'll be there in that capacity (part of the project team).

The final decision is supposed to be made jointly between the project lead (me) and a more senior manager but ultimately, my decision can be overridden by my seniors.

Why do you even need a meeting with this person?

Can’t you meet with her line manager, explain your decision and reasons, and she can then pass it on?

Can her manager overturn your decision that she is not going to be working on your project? Are you the same ranking as her manager?

If you haven't already done so, you need a meeting with her manager beforehand to explain your reasons. Surely it's just her manager who needs to have this discussion with her?

I realise I can come across all wrong. That's my worry, that I may sound as if I simply don't like my colleague. I know that's tricky ground.

Think you need to make sure you are not likely to be overridden before you have this meeting with her, as you are going to have egg on your face if you go through this meeting with her and then the decision gets over turned.

It difficult to explain things without revealing more about the project or the organisation I work for. But basically, I actually want to have this conversation with my colleague. If I explain to her line manager, I simply don't trust my feedback will be passed on accurately.

I would put a bit more spin on the meeting than you are suggesting. Instead of telling her why she's not right, tell her that you have very carefully thought about the skillsets you need and the interaction between team members, and that on this occasion you have decided on a team that doesn't include her. If she becomes domineering, stay calm and suggest that her reaction is just proving to you that you have made the right decision.

Focus on the positive qualities of other team members and the specific reasons you want them in the team. Give concrete examples of why they will be valuable to this project. If all else fails, you can say, 'I don't base my judgement on who shouts loudest, I base it on evaluation of work to date and likely reliability over the course of the project. All of the chosen team members are suited to the roles I have in mind for them.'

I know... However, I've had a quiet word with more senior people in the organisation who are involved in the decision-making process and I think I have their backing. But no promises have been made.

Just remember you are in charge, her attitude and response may make you question that but ultimately you are her boss. If she does get artsy you can diffuse the situation by saying it's probably not what she wanted to hear but maybe she should see it as a good thing and now she can work on those aspects and in future be included.

Don’t be afraid of silence. If you jump in to fill a silence, you are more likely to blurt and say something you don’t want to. Stay quiet and think carefully. She will probably say something to fill the break - Let her dig her hole.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, but I'm not her boss - just her peer.

Good tip 're remaining silent... I must control my nerves.