Top tips to remain calm during a difficult conversation

[PorridgeIsYummy]

Next week, I'm having a meeting with a very difficult colleague who wants to take part in a project I lead. I want to say no because she's a very poor team worker and I need to explain why clearly and in a professional way. Her line manager will be there with us - this is good on the one hand because I want a witness, but it's also tricky because she likes and protects my colleague.

It's not in my nature to say no to colleagues (or to anybody else for that matter) and I hate conflict; however, this colleague is prepared to walk all over me - I will not allow it.

I know I will be nervous and possibly even emotional and I need tips to help me keep calm and focused. I know what I want to say - the problem is how I say it say it and this is critical for the outcome of the conversation. I must be able to control my body language and not show my nerves and discomfort - how can I do that?

So, it's your decision and your bosses?
Why does she want to take part?
What benefit does she suggest that she brings to the project? What's the business case for her inclusion.
Actually is it your job to tell her she's a poor team player?
TBH I actually can't believe you are having to do this. Her manager should be taking responsibility for that. Is her Manager senior to you?
I'm really irritated on your behalf

Do some role play rehearsal with a friend who is prepared to act the part realistically, and then reverse the roles so you are her for the second half. Work out what might be triggers for her to go off topic or become personal and try to avoid them. You could take a beta blocker before the actual meeting - if it's medically safe for you to do so - so your heart rate keeps close to normal.

She wants to take part for her career advancement - this is a high-profile project. She has some good skills, actually, but has consistently wrecked the team dynamics in every single project she's been involved. Argh...

If I can keep calm, I think it can potentially be a meaningful discussion. Has anybody got any good tips about controlling your body language? I like the idea about listening and nodding, taking notes, keeping silent and so on - basically, not keep justifying my decision for ages (this is the kind of thing I'd do under sress).

Love the role-playing idea! Also the beta-blockers, can I buy them without prescription?

I'd avoid overly passive "I don't think it would be a good idea..", "I'm not sure.." etc type phrases as they leave it open to be countered with "well I think it would".

Be firm and authoritative but kind in tone and go for "it wouldn't be a good idea because", so leave your personal thoughts and feelings out and make factual statements instead (so long as you can back up with examples).

Beta blockers better from a GP, but they should be sympathetic if you can demonstrate 'performance anxiety'.

You should certainly have someone else there, on your side of the table. Someone else involved in the project would be good.

Don't be overly friendly. Keep cool and professional. Plan what you're going to say and practice getting the words out in the way that you want to.

How about treating this like an interview? Ask her what could she contribute to the project. Ask for examples of when she’s been a successful team player. Ask her what she thinks she could have done better in previous projects, etc.

Practice what you're going to say in the shower or somewhere quiet and undisturbed, it'll give you a better idea of what feels right to say and you'll feel more confident. Silence is a good one, especially if they are used to you filling gaps. Be concise and to the point, get in and get out! No need to labour your point or overly justify yourself use facts and examples of her previous work for that.

If you're absolutely certain in your decision then take that stance you'll find you appear more together and confident (even if you're crapping it!) good luck!

What sort of meeting is it? I mean, is it an interview for the role, or has she asked to see you to explain why she hasn't got it?

Figure out a form of words that will allow you to state it clearly and firmly but kindly. Perhaps people on here can help you develop this? What about: "you have many very valuable skills when working individually and I really admired your work on X, but this is a very team-based project and I think you might be better suited to Y or Z projects".

Write down some stock phrases and practice saying them out loud in the car / in a mirror so it's easier to trot them out calmly if you feel you're getting over whelmed.

Sorry but now you’ve explained that you’re just her peer I actually think this meeting is completely inappropriate.

Who has requested this meeting?

I think you need to tread very carefully - you’ll either end up looking a fool if your decision is overturned by management, or you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of an official grievance from this colleague - or both.

I have no idea if this will help you but if I’m in a situation where I find myself getting emotional or welling up I make a cup of tea in my head. Literally just imagine I’m in my kitchen and taking a mug out of the cupboard, boiling the kettle, pouring the water, adding the milk etc etc. It sounds really odd but it sort of snaps you out of the feeling and then you can carry on.

Good luck with the meeting!

Tips for nerves (from presentation training I had years ago). Drop your shoulders and deepen your voice slightly, slow down - when you are nervous your shoulders head up to your ears and your pitch then goes up too and people often talk faster, so avoiding these helps you feel and come across more in control. If seated sit up straight shoulders back, lean slightly forward and look interested - let your ‘opponent’ speak, take notes if you like (handy excuse to look away from there gaze too!) Silence is your friend and puts you in control (as in, let them finish then pause, then respond). A few good examples in this thread of wording to use and not use already. You want to own this decision and this session.

As a pp said - breathe!

I like the idea of a few notes so you stay in track, have another meeting after (private appt in your calendar and go hide is fine - just a reason to conclude on time which if they calendar surf you they can see is ‘real’).

Remember, it’s only another person, if the meeting isn’t going to plan take control, state that the meeting is unproductive and end it. Don’t get stuck being talked at by them. (Easier said than done I know).

Good luck.

This might seem a bit odd, but how about pretending that you have been asked to make a ‘training’ video called ‘How to deal with a difficult colleague’?

Then you ‘act’ in the interview as though you are modelling that process. This might set you apart enough to give you that bit more control over your nerves. You could use the suggestions posters have made as your script.

I have ‘acted as if’ to get me through many difficult situations, and have found it can work.

All the best.

Couldn't you couch it in better terms. Say that her strengths wouldn't be best utilised in your team.

I'd phrase it as she having good skills, but best used on her own. Not everyone is suited to team work and that should be fine.
Another angle is the team itself. She might work well in some teams and less well in others, so you could state that you're putting together compatible profiles for the best team and her profile doesn't fit in the specific team you're assembling.

Remind her that it's not her decision or her call.

I was recently advised to map out the conversation before you go in..
If they said x I will say y
If they say a I will say b, thst might lead to c or d which I will counter with e or f

Then (sneaky) if you get to a point you haven’t prepared for you say that everyone still has strong opinions so they should take some time to consider and come back next week, when you will have remapped the new conversation and included points q, r, s and t!!

Surely either you need her in your team because she is an SME, the business rep for the particular area you’re working with or whatever, or you don’t? You’re lucky getting to pick and choose, that isn’t how it works at my company. The business might get to pick the project team, but we pretty much work with who we’re told to work with.

Thanks! I've been reading all your advice but have been too busy to reply! There are some great tips here on controlling nerves, thanks! Will reread and reply later when I have a minute.

I simply wouldn't have the meeting. Cancel it and explain in an email to their manage why they are not on the project and say that your decision is final.