Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My babies died and it finally hit home

75 replies

Squiff70 · 29/04/2019 23:46

I'm sorry to bring this to chat. It probably belongs on the pregnancy loss boards but they're so quiet and (thankfully) few people post there.

I lost my twin son and daughter, 19 weeks into the pregnancy, on 6th January this year. Until now it has been matter-of-fact as I think I've been in total shock and in a permanent dissociative state about it. I went into labour and had to deliver them naturally.

Tonight I've been inconsolable. I've been crying for hours. My DP is at work on a night shift and most of my friends are very much of the 'it happened - move on' mentality. The ones who're most supportive aren't answering messages because they're busy. I can't call my parents. I tried to ring Sands but they are closed until tomorrow.

We've just had our first cycle TTC again but I've made it clear to DP that although I feel ready to try again, I don't want forget our son and daughter or deny they existed. They were very much wanted and loved and I am trying to find a way through this insurmountable grief and sadness.

Please don't feel obliged to reply. I just appreciate you reading this.

OP posts:

DeadWife · 30/04/2019 08:50

So sorry for you OP.

It's obviously properly hit you like a ton of bricks now after going through the motions in shock. It's very common, like our mind's way of protecting itself to get through the trauma.

It would be worth opening up to a close friend about this, I'm sure not everyone expects you to be coping fine right now.

If not we're all here 24/7, keep posting .

memaymamo · 30/04/2019 08:53

I'm so sorry.

It sounds so hard that you have people expecting you to move on. How can you? These little ones are your precious children and deserve your grief, however and whenever it comes.

Olissa8 · 30/04/2019 09:07

Life can be so very unfair. I'm sorry you lost your babies. It does get easier, but you don't forget. (My DD1 was born alive but poorly at term and died when she was 5 days old. She would be 11 in July.)
TTC again is a difficult time, but I did it quite quickly too, and had DD2 when DD1 would have been 18 months.
Be gentle with yourself. Sending love.

OddestSock · 30/04/2019 09:11

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that last night when you were alone was a particularly tough night xx

Bluebelltulip · 30/04/2019 09:18

How are you feeling this morning? @Squiff70 . I had a bad day yesterday too and lost my daughter in January. I spoke to my hv last week during an appointment for my elder daughter and she said to me that it's still early days and to not expect to be functioning normally yet. It actually really helped me accept that random bouts of tears are completely fine. I hope you managed to talk to someone last night

Loyaultemelie · 30/04/2019 09:32

I am so so sorry for your loss. I experienced very similar in November 2013 although it was over a few weeks, dd at 14.5 and ds 3.5 weeks later and it's horrendous. It really won't go away, I still cry buckets on the date that should be their birthday and the day both were lost but now I can celebrate they existed too, we always make them a cake and lay flowers for them.
I agree with pps it's the emotions of ttc the first few times we tried I actually cried after partly from grief and partly from guilt. After 9 months we conceived again and despite a very anxious time had another dd. We always make dds aware they had a brother and sister and hang a Christmas stocking with their names too so they won't be forgotten.
be kind to yourself

Prettyvacant2003 · 30/04/2019 10:29

Op, I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins.
My first baby was stillborn so I have some idea of the pain you are going through. I think I reacted in the way you did. It's just such a shock at first, and then you have to plan a funeral, have the funeral, and then after that, it almost felt surreal, like it had never happened. For me, talking about him helped, can you do that with your husband? I didn't have any actual counselling but in hindsight I think it would have helped me.
I went on to have 3 more children, and I still remember how bittersweet it was falling pregnant with my daughter. (There are only 11months between them.) if you ever want to talk about them, or just vent, feel free to pm me.
Sending love.

Angelinthenightx · 30/04/2019 11:38

Im sorry for your loss,i lost a daughter at 20wks so i know how hard it is,what got me through it was getting pregnant again, 11 years on & it still hurts but ive had 3 more children & pregnant again . U never forget the baby/babies u lost and having more doesnt take the place of the ones that are not here just helps ease the pain.x

Original poster

Squiff70 · 30/04/2019 12:31

Thank you so so much to everybody who has offered words of support and comfort on this thread. I am so terribly sorry that so many of you have some through this, or similar, too.
@Dumdedumdedum thank you for reminding me also that time will heal. It WILL, but I don't want to forget just as you've never forgotten your daughter. How horrific that you recevied no support at that time. I am so sorry.

@Olissa8 I'm so, so sorry to hear your daughter died at five days old. I won't pretend to know what that was like for you. It's absolutely heartbreaking. There are no words.

@PrimeraVez that quote really resonates with me. It's so true - it comes when it comes and we have to deal with it until it leaaves. But yet, if it wasn't for love we wouldn't feel the full force of grief. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Some of you have suggested I get support. Myself and DP have been on the waiting list for bereavement counselling for about two months now, and there's a three+ month wait to start. Hopefully we will hear something soon.

@Bluebelltulip I'm sorry to hear you're struggling too. TTC after loss is so much harder than I thought it would be. If and when I go conceive again I'll have a huge mixture of emotions to contend with and DP has alrady said we can't even think about bonding with the next baby, if we have one, until it's born. How do you even do that? I'm not sure that's possible. Your HV is right of course - it's still early days even though many of my friends would disagree. They haven't been through anything like this, most of them, so how can they possibly say that?

OP posts:

foxyfemke · 30/04/2019 12:35

Oh OP, how utterly heartbreaking. Much love to you. Maybe some bereavement counselling will help you.

wonkylegs · 30/04/2019 13:08

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I lost a baby at 20 weeks and I don't think you get over it but you can move past it but it will take time. We all take different amounts of time to process grief and it's normal to struggle.
We planted a dove tree in the garden to mark it and I do go and talk to it sometimes. We wanted to acknowledge it and have a physical acknowledgment of our baby's life. It also helped our eldest understand it a bit more but it also helped me process it.
I didn't have many people I could speak to but I did use online forums and time.
We did manage to get pregnant afterwards and 18mths later had our youngest.
I still get sad and still go and sit by the tree sometimes but life has moved on and we found joy in other things as well as the birth of DS2

alwaysinleggings · 30/04/2019 13:16

so sorry for your loss, you're grieving - and it's a process which affects us all in different ways, and we will cry (which is a good release of emotions) You will never forget, the pain will lesson, and you will learn to live with your two angels and remember them.

OhTheRoses · 30/04/2019 13:18

Oh darling OP. It is horrendous and numbing and so terribly unfair. DS2 was born and died nearly 22 years ago. I still think of him every day but I promise that eventually, inch by inch the pain fades away. DD was born 51 weeks later. I have little recollection of those 51 weeks which were hard and dark but they passed.

Even now DH doesn't talk about it (that sort of chap) but nowadays there are fora where you can share and find support and be loved. You may find too that support comes from unexpected places.

Daphnesmate · 30/04/2019 13:19

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost a little boy four years ago at 20 weeks and now, grief sits by my side instead of crushing me like it did in the early days.

I know what you mean about people expecting you to move on. I was in shock and tried to carry on as usual, it hit me later in a similar way to you.
I did have counselling for a year afterwards and that really helped. It just felt like people were trying to cheer me up (they were trying to be kind) or else talking about really inane things like which colour wallpaper to choose, most stuff just drifted over my head really and I was glad of the counselling to focus on me because eventually, all I wanted to do was to talk about it and cry about it all.
Against very long odds (history of infertility plus age,) I did go on to have another child, she doesn't replace the child that I lost, he could never be replaced, but her arrival has eased the sadness in some ways. Wishing you all the very best x

Walkthroughthefire · 30/04/2019 15:20

I'm so sorry to hear this. Can I as where you are? If you feel able maybe a local sands support group would help. For my husband and me our local group was invaluable in helping us and supporting us through the absolute hell of our baby dying. I'm involved with sands so if you'd like a chat...
It's still so raw for you, it's utterly unfair. There's nothing anyone can say or do to make it better but a safe place with others who understand does help.

SecretWitch · 30/04/2019 15:28

I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies 💐 You are their mother and loved them. The pain must be intense. I have not healing words. Please know you have many caring MNer’s here (day and night) who will listen to you. We acknowledge your grief. Xx

willowstar · 30/04/2019 15:42

Hello. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can only begin to imagine the pain you must be in. I have nothing helpful to say but just wanted to say something.

AllFourOfThem · 30/04/2019 15:48

I’m sorry. My daughter died and it still feels very much like waves of grief that come and go.

My local SANDS has a secret Facebook group which means you can always post and talk to others when you need to, so maybe it’s worth you looking to see if yours has the same.

Original poster

Squiff70 · 30/04/2019 18:24

Thank you once again for your kind, thoughtful and heartfelt replies. You're all so kind and gentle. Some of you have been through truly heartbreaking times losing your babies too and I've welled up at your comments xx

OP posts:

Grundtal · 30/04/2019 23:04

So sorry to hear this. They were loved, they existed and they are important. You don't have to forget, you can keep them in your hear always. I hope you can access some support.

Dumdedumdedum · 01/05/2019 10:41

Another thing, @Squiff70 - be prepared for things to get much worse around the date they were due. This year will be the worst. After that hurdle is over, it should start improving, albeit maybe only at a snail's pace.

Original poster

Squiff70 · 01/05/2019 12:47

@Dumdedumdedum we never did get a 'due date'. Had it been a singleton pregnancy the baby would have been due on or around 4th June but because they were twins they said they'd not let me go past 37 weeks, so three weeks earlier, meaning the babies would have been due within the next two weeks. You're right - it's tough x

OP posts:

pusspuss9 · 01/05/2019 13:10

I am so sorry Squiff.

Many years ago my cousin lost her two little boys at around 25 weeks. There was a family grave and they were buried there with their names added to the gravestone.
Now many years later we visit the grave mainly because of more recent burials, but we see their names and we remember them.

ritzbiscuits · 01/05/2019 13:18

So sorry to hear about your loss, it must be so raw and difficult for you to process.

I'd really suggest trying to get support via a regular face to face contact, either a support group or bereavement counselling. That way you know you have something consistent and reliable in the diary to support you (and partner).

Please don't suffer alone, thinking of you 💐

Dumdedumdedum · 20/05/2019 16:19

Squiff70 - how are you doing?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread