My babies died and it finally hit home

[Squiff70]

I'm sorry to bring this to chat. It probably belongs on the pregnancy loss boards but they're so quiet and (thankfully) few people post there.

I lost my twin son and daughter, 19 weeks into the pregnancy, on 6th January this year. Until now it has been matter-of-fact as I think I've been in total shock and in a permanent dissociative state about it. I went into labour and had to deliver them naturally.

Tonight I've been inconsolable. I've been crying for hours. My DP is at work on a night shift and most of my friends are very much of the 'it happened - move on' mentality. The ones who're most supportive aren't answering messages because they're busy. I can't call my parents. I tried to ring Sands but they are closed until tomorrow.

We've just had our first cycle TTC again but I've made it clear to DP that although I feel ready to try again, I don't want forget our son and daughter or deny they existed. They were very much wanted and loved and I am trying to find a way through this insurmountable grief and sadness.

Please don't feel obliged to reply. I just appreciate you reading this.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved babies. Your heartbreak is tangible and although it is very hard to bear, this terrible pain had to come out.

Your immense loss is still very recent, and it may be that TTC again has brought these painfully raw emotions to the surface.

Awful as it is going through this torment I do think it is a healthy sign of grieving, which the shock and trauma had until now protected you from. Please surround yourself with kindness.

So sorry OP 🌷

So sorry for your loses

I'm so, so sorry you lost your beautiful babies, I can't imagine how you're feeling

So sorry for the loss of your babies. Thinking of you

So sorry for your loss. It’s one of those things that never truly “goes away” (and why should it?) you just learn to cope a little better with it each day. TTC just heightens those emotions.

I went through similar last August, albeit not with twins, but lost my little boy at 19wks and had to give birth to him and all. It was a horrible experience. I was in hospital for a week after as it was due to an infection causing sepsis. I was lucky that I was allowed to have him by my side in a cold cot for that duration to help the grieving process and the midwives dressed him in a little knitted premmie outfit and took photos and his hand and foot prints for me in a keep sake box and I have his hospital bracelets etc.

We did the same in naming him, had a funeral and he’s cremated into three little urns that DH and I have, plus I gave one to my folks and one to my MIL so we all have a little bit of him still just to acknowledge he was here.

It’s hard. I’m nearly 18wks pregnant now and I’m finding it hard emotionally to cope trying to enjoy this pregnancy and now am having horrible nightmares of everything going wrong. It’s a raw time and emotions run high.

Good luck on at TTC and be kind to yourself.

So sorry Squiff.. my heart breaks for you.

If you need to talk then ring the Samaritans, they aren't only for suicidal people, they are there to listen and give you a hand to hold in all of lifes major events or problems.

You will never forget them and I doubt you want to, they will always have a very special place in your heart.

My heart aches for you love. Sometimes the pain just needs to be expressed, go with it. Unmumsnetty hugs to you x

Oh my love.

The world is a cruel horrible nasty place sometimes.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little tiny babies. What an unimaginable loss. I can't imagine it.
I had placental abruption (term) with my dd and I recall time just stopping and thinking this baby needs oxygen within 5 minutes. The terror was overwhelming. My dd survived, but I'm not quite the same. I felt that fate was trying to take her from me.

I received counselling briefly, then had to go to work.

Your two beautiful babies should not have died. But life can be so utterly cruel that it's not understandable sometimes. Why? Just Why?

I'd give yourself some time, maybe just a month or two more to grieve before trying for another baby. Just to give your soul a little time to heal.

Oh you poor love, I'm so sorry for your double loss, what heartbreak for you
People don't always get it - especially if they've never experienced a loss like it - so they don't respond as you would hope. Nearly 4 months is a long time for you to have kept this in check (not deliberately, obviously!) so I would consider going to the doctor and talking to them about it, and see if there is any form of bereavement counselling you could access.

Huge (((hugs))) for you xx

I dont have any words of wisdom to share, just wanted to send you love and strength tonight.

I gave birth spontaneously at 25 weeks to a perfectly healthy baby. We lost her 3 weeks later due to something caused by her prematurity.

It took 2 months for it to properly hit me. Initially I was floored but then I seemed to go into some sort of shock or survival mode after the funeral, it just felt so surreal like I'd never even been pregnant or some sort of horrible bad dream. I believe I'm now suffering from some sort of PTSD triggered by a late period and talking to the bereavement councillor (lots of things came flooding back that I'd completely blocked out).

We were advised to wait 6 months at least before trying again. Ive just started taking hormonal contraction which has helped somewhat with the panic and nightmares. I've got no idea how I'm going to cope when we start TTC or survive another loss. There was absolutely no cause found for going into early labour and I feel totally helpless to prevent another.

I'm so sorry to everybody on this thread that has also experienced a loss. Please go easy on yourself OP, no parent should ever have to go through the loss of their baby, and I expect it will take a very long time to learn to live with the pain.

So sorry for your loss, I lost a little girl at 16 weeks, she had died at 14 weeks, nearly nine years ago, she would have been 8 last week. I already had my DS when I lost her & didn't get much chance to grieve, I always mark the date that I lost her, what should have been her birthday is the same day as her daddy's birthday, I lost him just over four years ago, I like to think that he is looking after her for the both of us. I didn't get chance to meet her as I had to have surgical management, but I was told she was a girl & named her Rosie, I never found out what had caused her to die, I have a blood clotting problem & suspect that this had something to do with it. Be kind to yourself & allow yourself time to grieve, I know that at the moment you only want a baby to hold, it will come. You will find others close to you may not want to talk about it, that's their way of dealing with it, come back here, there will always be someone who will listen & understand.

So sorry for your terrible loss.

I have two friends who have gone through this wrenching experience. It is something that never fully goes away. It will be with them (and their husbands) always. Both went on to have more babies and to live busy lives as their families grew. The little ones who were lost live on in their hearts and in the hearts of their brothers and sisters.

Crying and feeling like falling apart are the best things to happen. You need to fully grieve. You've gone through the shock and the numbness. Don't try to be brave.

The Samaritans are always there, if you feel you need to talk or cry, to express your feelings fully. Try to reach out to find grief support, and hopefully your DH will reach out too if he feels the need.

Hope it is a little comfort to you to know that there are many people here sending you love over the air tonight.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how hard if is for you. I definitely don’t think you should just get over it and carry on. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

So very sorry

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's a terrible loss. A loss so great, in fact, that it would not be unusual for someone to need a bit of professional support to get through it. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to help process what has happened? It sounds as though friends/family are not that supportive, and it strikes me that you (like anyone in your situation) could use some extra help.

I am so sorry

I'm so, so sorry your babies died. I keep typing things and then deleting them because actually, there's nothing helpful that anyone can say I don't think. It's heartbreaking and unfair.

There is something I read after I lost a baby that resonated so much with me, I'll paste it below - perhaps it will make sense to you too.

^Grief has its own time frame. It has its own itinerary with you. It has its own power over you, and it will come when it comes.

… It comes when it wants to, and it carves you out. It comes in the middle of the night. It comes in the middle of the day. It comes in the middle of a meeting. It comes in the middle of a meal. It arrives. It’s this tremendously forceful arrival, and it cannot be resisted without you suffering more …

When it comes, I get about 10 seconds of warning, like, Oh, s—t, here it’s coming right now. Then the posture that you take is you hit your knees in absolute humility, and you let it rock you until it’s done with you. It will be done with you eventually, and when it’s done it will leave. But to stiffen, to resist, to fight it is to hurt yourself. It’s almost like being roiled in a wave. You just let it come, and it’s this tremendous psychological and spiritual challenge to relax in the awesome power of it until it’s gone through you …

[Grief] has a tremendous relationship to love, but, first of all, as they say, it’s the price you pay for love. But, secondly, in the moments in my life where I have fallen in love, I have just as little power over it as I do in grief. There are certain things that happen to you as a human being that you cannot control or command, that will come to you at really inconvenient times and where you have to bow in the human humility to the fact that there’s something running through you that’s bigger than you …^

So so sorry OP

Hi, OP, I lost my first daughter at 22 weeks under the same conditions as you lost your twins, 26 years ago. Going into labour after being induced and knowing it was pointless was atrocious. I had to wait 7 months to be told that the result of the post-mortem showed no reason for her death and my gynae at the time (on mainland Europe) told me I was nuts to still be upset at her loss and mourning her 4 months after her due date. No funeral or burial even considered, no mental health aftercare. It was vile. I found the "it's happened, move on" brigade dreadful to deal with. Luckily, I was able to go back to England shortly after it happened, where there seemed to have been far more understanding, even all those years ago. I found SANDS very helpful to talk to, when they were available. It took me a year before I even wanted to try again, so I think you are very strong to be trying again now. I'm sorry this is pouring out of me, maybe you don't want to read it - but it is to say, I still haven't forgotten my first daughter, despite having a lovely healthy adult child now. And you won't forget your beautiful twins, either, but the grief will diminish as the years pass. Now is too early for that, you and your husband need to grieve together. Please pm me if you have any questions you might want to ask or just to vent at me, I empathize with you.

So very sorry. My son was born asleep at 34 weeks. He would have been 42 next month. The pain of losing him was dreadful and I’ll never stop thinking of him. It’s very early days for you and it does get easier. 💐

I’m so so sorry this happened to you..life is unfair sometimes,it’s very hard to know what to say especially when Ive be not been in the same situation..I can’t imagine that anything would make you feel better.if it were me I’d be going to church ,as I think that would possibly comfort me..but I don’t like to suggest it Incase it offends you.
I’m so sorry and I hope your family and friends are offering support x

What a devastating loss for you. I'm so sorry. Grief takes time. You won't forget them. They were loved. Perhaps think about some kind of memorial, even a pair of rose bushes or something? Your feelings are natural, and of course overwhelming. Youve had to be so brave Xxx