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Original poster

Your views on this inheritance situation, please

85 replies

inheritancewoes · 29/04/2019 15:52

I've name-changed as some friends in real life know my usual username. I do welcome all views on this because I feel I have lost perspective on it slightly and am feeling really hurt and upset, far more than I thought I would.

A few months ago my grandmother told me that she wanted to sell her holiday cottage as she rarely uses it now and give the proceeds of the sale to me and my cousin (we are both only children, no other grandchildren for her to consider, she did not want to share the money between our parents as they will be receiving the bulk of her estate when she dies). The cottage is in a very nice part of the country popular with tourists and worth about £400k. I told her that the money is hers and she should spend it on herself, she insisted that she has enough money (I believe she is quite comfortably off) and she wanted to gift it to me and my cousin with the expectation that she will survive another seven years and we won't have to pay IHT,

I didn't hear anything more about the plan for several months and thought that she might have changed her mind but, again, in February, she brought it up and said that she might sell it but it might be easier to transfer it to me and my cousin, would I be interested in taking it on? I said that it was very generous but, as it is a long way from where I live and I don't want the responsibility of running it as a holiday let, it would be better if she sold it, imo. She asked the same question to my cousin who was also visiting her - I don't see my cousin that often - and she said that she'd like to take it on. Fair enough.

I assumed that my cousin would be buying me out but I have since found out that the entire cottage has been transferred to my cousin and no mention has been made of her buying "my" share. I accept that this is partially my fault as I should have clarified what would happen if one of us wanted to take over the cottage and the other didn't but I can't help feeling hurt that I have been completely written out of this. (I also accept that this is my grandmother's property and she is free to do as she pleases with it but that doesn't diminish the feeling of disappointment.)

In case this is relevant, both my cousin and I are settled with our own homes and children. I am an average earner, my cousin has qualified in a very niche sector and is a high earner. I love my grandmother and don't want to fall out about this gift but it is eating away at me that she has shown such favouritism. Opinions please on how I can broach this with my grandmother without sounding accusatory and/or grasping or whether I should just shut up and put up?

OP posts:

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 29/04/2019 19:36

It sounds like she didn’t want the hassle of selling hence why she asked if she could transfer half to you. You declined and your cousin accepted. Not really anything you can do.

rosablue · 29/04/2019 19:45

Do you think your cousin could have helped your gran with the decision?

My gran used to be fanatical about sharing things equally - down to splitting a polo mint 4 ways but after my dad died and took my gran to the solicitor to make her will - she left nearly everything to him ‘because he (uncle) said that as he was the only son she had now, that meant we weren’t her grandchildren any more’. I didn’t find out until several months later, when she happened to mention that it was nice of us to visit even though we were no longer related to her and then explained why she thought that. We explained that we were still related to her - not because we wanted the money but because it hurt that we effectively lost our gran as well as our dad but uncle had been the golden child despite my parents doing so much for her and she couldn’t believe that he had lied to her so did nothing and he ended up with pretty much everything - we didn’t even have any of her bits and bobs to remember her by. Sis and I didn’t want much but there were a couple of things she collected and it would have been nice to have had one each from her collections (we are talking £20 tops so hardly grabby when there were lots). I have a thing from my other gran - would never buy it for myself but it’s nice to look at because it triggers happy memories of her.

So I really do get how you feel op - it is hurtful, especially when you have said these things with the nicest of intentions. I hope you manage to sort it out.

Does she know that you know it’s been sorted? Could you approach it as if it still hadn’t been sorted, to say that if she does decide she would prefer not to get rid of it so you share it that’s fine, you were just expressing a preference previously and it’s all gone quiet...

(Apologies if this cross posts - got delayed finishing my post!)

Sculpin · 29/04/2019 19:50

You need to put the awkwardness aside and speak to your Gran, OP. Good luck!

AnemoneAnenome · 29/04/2019 20:17

Maybe she just wanted it to go to someone who valued the house itself, in the end. Keep it in the family. Possibly, when she asked you if you'd prefer the house or the cash, it wasn't as neutral a question as it seemed and there was a right answer and a wrong one.

You have no way of knowing whether you've been made provision for in other ways, unless you know her cash flow situation. Hopefully she will have sorted something out - it seems unlikely she'll just have written you out. Inheritance issues can quickly get very ugly. I don't think you were wrong to insist it's still hers.

cushioncovers · 29/04/2019 20:25

Maybe but it would have been a bit mean to do that especially as the dgm only has two grandchildren, op and her cousin.

DogHairEverywhere · 29/04/2019 20:33

Ouch, i can see how the situation arose. It's the sort of thing i would do, talk myself out of an inheritance so as not to seem grabby.
I think, if it were me, I'd engineer a conversation about the house and how dcousin is going to run it, then mention that it's great that dcousin is in a position to do it, and that you feel disappointed that you missed out on a share of it due to your circumstances being different, (living far away, etc).

Tavannach · 29/04/2019 21:01

I'm just going to have to think of a way of speaking to DGM without flustering her and making her think that she has upset me (although she has a bit...). If she says, "Well, what's done is done and you should have spoken up"

Yep, you've been too shy and retiring, and not entirely honest with your DGM. Maybe she finds this a bit irritating if it's a trait of yours. Tell her that you're upset and tell her why. Just be calm, and explain what you thought would happen.

I also think it's likely that she wanted to keep the property in the family. Someone I knew owned a small property for decades several hundred miles from where they lived and it was left to the family member who had visited it most frequently. That seemed fair enough. It had sentimental significance.

qwertyskirty · 29/04/2019 21:23

To be honest I would ask my parent to speak on my behalf - and my parent would be challenging this too anyway! It does seem unfair but maybe your Gran plans to include you in some other way.
Otherwise: you'll just have to imagine your Gran DID spend the money on herself as you advised in the first place.

rosablue · 29/04/2019 22:18

‘It seems we were talking at cross purposes...’ can be a really useful opening gambit in situations like this when you are feel aggrieved but can’t steam roller in with ‘what the bloody hell have you just done?’

Can’t take credit for it - learnt it from Mumsnet many years ago - but it has proved a very handy phrase for just this sort of situation where you want to remain diplomatic but want to get a situation sorted out and are not really sure how to broach it.

ilovebagpuss · 29/04/2019 22:43

Oh no this makes me really sad for you as you seem to have been trying to do the right thing not seem grabby but indicated you would be grateful to receive the money. I am like this and it always shocks me that other people in these stories don’t do the right thing. Why has your cousin not raised it with you? Why has Grandmother not made it clear she is giving the whole house over to your cousin before the final deal was done?
Please say something or ask close relatives to bring it up don’t wait.
Perhaps there is a misunderstanding somewhere as your grandmother sounds lovely.

pineapplepatty · 29/04/2019 22:50

Ouch

Sofagirl · 29/04/2019 23:11

Ouch that’s a tough loss to take

Sounds like mis communication there

Can you speak to your cousin or granny? Might be too late by now

However it does sound like your gran was pretty firm about handing over the house rather than selling it so she chose someone who was all up for taking it on

Sorry but I think you might have missed the boat on this one

Original poster

inheritancewoes · 30/04/2019 09:17

Well, the opinion seems to be split between the ship has sailed and speak to DGM. I think both camps are right but, for my own peace of mind, I think I will bring it up with her - I'm due to see her in a couple of weeks so I will report back. Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:

nauticant · 30/04/2019 10:33

In addition to the helpful suggestion of ‘It seems we were talking at cross purposes...’, you might express what went wrong by saying that you thought there was a choice between getting half of the cottage or getting half of the proceeds of a sale of the cottage and you said you would prefer the second choice. You weren't saying you didn't want half and had only the first choice been given, you would have certainly gone with it. You could close with "do you think there might be a way to solve this muddle?"

Good luck.

choli · 30/04/2019 10:35

You wanted the inheritance but wanted your GM to do the donkey work of selling the house etc. I understand her choice.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 30/04/2019 10:40

How did you find out? I don’t understand why you didn’t have this conversation when she told you what she’d done?

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 30/04/2019 10:42

And yes, you did rather reject the whole notion out of hand - “No, it’s your money, you should keep it”, and then “No, I’m really not up for taking on the cottage”.
She’s called your bluff.

namechangeforschooling · 30/04/2019 10:59

I think you sound caring and very considerate of everyone's feelings, icluding your mother's so am sure you'll be able to approach it tactfully. Your grandmother will probably welcome the chance to sort it/something out and the fact that there are only two of you should make it easier.

cushioncovers · 30/04/2019 12:40

Hope it goes well for you op. Let us know how you get on.

NoFucksImAQueen · 20/05/2019 20:36

any update op?

Original poster

inheritancewoes · 05/06/2019 16:17

Update - for anyone who followed this thread.

My DGM was ill the weekend I was meant to see her so she cancelled and then she went away to stay with her sister for a week so I only got to see her a couple of days ago. She brought up my cousin's holiday let and asked if I had heard from her, I said no. She then became a bit flustered and asked again if I had heard from her, again I said no, should I have? Long story short, the plan had been for my cousin to discuss buying me out - albeit at a rate much lower than the cottage is worth - once all the paperwork was finalised and my grandmother left it to her to sort this out. Yes, it seems a bit naive in retrospect.

I felt huge relief that my grandmother hadn't written me out of her bequest but I'm nervous that my cousin hasn't volunteered to square my share of the property. I've emailed her regarding my conversation with our grandmother and, two days later, I'm waiting to hear back. DGM is very upset that I am having to chase her. The whole thing has the potential to end up in a mess.

OP posts:

brownjumper · 05/06/2019 17:12

Get something in writing from your grandmother! Both to you and your cousin.

Troels · 05/06/2019 17:18

Agreed poor grandma, get her to write something out and sign what she had intended. She was hoping the cousin would sort this, and it looks like cousin is being a bit of a money grabber. Much to grandmas disppointment.

Gazelda · 05/06/2019 17:26

Oh gosh, your poor grandma. I hope you can reassure her that you and cousin will sort this out between you, and that she shouldn't fret about any bad feeling.
What a mess, I hope your cousin sees sense and this is smoothly resolved.

Al2O3 · 05/06/2019 17:27

It is going to be complicated because it sounds like the transfer has already been made. Could GM equalise you through another gift?

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