Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would this piss you off?

45 replies

RocketSurgery · 25/04/2019 22:17

Dh works away Monday to Friday about 200 miles away. He works for an American company and gets US bank holidays rather than UK ones so he was at work last Friday and this Monday. This has gone on for years and works out well for us.

Dh loves surprises and considers them very romantic. I do not, I bloody hate them, hate not knowing what’s going on but after a decade Dh still thinks each surprise he gives me will be the one that makes me realise I like them after all.

Last night at about midnight I hear footsteps on the path outside. I was in bed, two young dc’s asleep in the room next to me. Our house is upside down so bedrooms downstairs. I’m concerned about footsteps but not panicking- the house is pretty secure, we live on a hill and the path through our garden is sometimes used by cf’s taking a shortcut into/ back from town. I lie there listening, mentally thinking what’s in the garage, how long until I should call police, would me looking out the window and person seeing me make them leave or more likely to break in etc.

Then I hear the front door handle tried, and a lot of fumbling and the lock unlocking. At this point I run out of my bed and into the dc’s room, holding my phone with 999 dialled but not actually called them yet and nearly in tears because I just don’t know what to do. The door is caught on the chain so person can’t get in. At this point Dh calls me and asks me to let him in. I was shaking for a good hour afterwards because I was so frightened

I’m absolutely bloody furious with him. He wanted to creep in and for me to be thrilled to wake up in the morning and him magically be there. He caught the last train home but didn’t think to tell me. Now he’s cross with me because he’s been so excited to see us and I ruined it. Apparently I’m ridiculous for nearly calling 999 and getting so frightened. If I thought it was a burglar I should have just shouted out the window for them to bugger off.

I’m the 5 years he’s worked away he’s never once come home without telling me when. If it was the same night I would have probably assumed it was him and not worried but it was 2 days early!

I don’t understand how hard it is to realise it’s bloody frightening to think someone’s breaking in, especially when you’re the only adult with two young kids.

I’m still too cross to speak to him. Aibu? Not brave enough for actual aibu so please be gentle!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/04/2019 22:19

YANBU AT ALL (I know this is Chat, but you did ask)

I would be incredibly angry with him.

nespressowoo · 25/04/2019 22:20

I don't think YABU but I think you should let him off, even if you do hate surprises.

I would panic too but once I'd heard his voice I'd have relaxed a lot and been pleased to see him (after I called him a wanker Grin)

Overseasmom100 · 25/04/2019 22:21

I would be livid. That is NOT romantic

Leeds2 · 25/04/2019 22:22

I would've been terrified. And I am not really anti surprises!

shoofly · 25/04/2019 22:23

God he's an utter knob! Surely he could see the state you were in? He really needs to LISTEN to you, you don't like surprises and quite frankly, I can't think of anyone who'd be delighted with this type of surprise

Echobelly · 25/04/2019 22:24

I totally get you being upset - I'd be freaked out too! I remember being home a lot in my late teens when my dad was working abroad and mum was staying with him - it was a big house and some nights I jumped at every creak! It must be even worse when you have kids there.

Presumably you've tried this already, but going forward can you have a discussion about 'I know you want to surprise me, but please just ask me what I'd like, I feel much more comfortable with that and it makes me feel like you don't respect what I want when you keep surprising me' or words to that effect.

I'd hate surprises as well - luckily no one's ever sprung a significant one on me, it'd just make me feel annoyed that I didn't see it coming I think!

Original poster
RocketSurgery · 25/04/2019 22:28

Thank you. I’ll show this to Dh in the morning. I don’t like being made to feel like a drama queen when I’m not.

echo it’s a conversation we’ve had many times before. Most recently when he organised me a surprise birthday party at our house and not thought to at least move the clothes horse of drying underwear that was in the middle of the room Blush. This is the only time I’ve got really upset about it though.

OP posts:
CoffeeConnoisseur · 25/04/2019 22:30

I would hate this. In fact I may have accidentally whacked him across the head with the baseball bat we keep under the bed in case of burglars.

My SIL has form for this type of ‘surprise’, the surprise being her telling us she can’t be somewhere, or omitting to mention she’ll be joining us... so the big surprise being her presence, which we all then expected to be thrilled about.

It’s a strange form of attention seeking.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2019 22:33

Wow. He really, really doesn’t understand the fears women face, does he. The real fears. Fucking hell. What thoughtlessness.

He needs to actually listen to you.

64sNewName · 25/04/2019 22:37

He really, really doesn’t understand the fears women face, does he. The real fears.

Exactly this. Such a dearth of empathy, judgement and basic understanding of what’s appropriate.

You weren’t, of course, being a drama queen at all.

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/04/2019 22:38

Well I'd have been scared too but I wouldn't be refusing to speak to him an hour later.

He made a mistake, you don't like surprises but he does, and actually it's nothing to do with the 'surprise' element that's upset you - that was supposed to be the morning - it was just totally not thinking about noises and you being awake - practicalities.

I'd think, ok he wanted to do a nice thing and that's sweet, he scared the crap out of you but go 'oh my fucking god you twat' and then move on. Don't ruin what should be a nice couple of days together as a family.

brizzlemint · 25/04/2019 22:41

I'd have been furious but not for long

64sNewName · 25/04/2019 22:41

He wanted to creep in

I mean WTAF does he think it would have been like for you if he’d made it inside, and then you’d woken up from a deep sleep to find a shadowy figure moving around your room?

The more I try to imagine this the more upsetting it sounds. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone.

And then to get in a huff with you! It’s like you aren’t allowed reactions that deviate from his script. You are just a prop.

winterisstillcoming · 25/04/2019 22:47

He has frightened you by his own stupidity and is now trying to convince you that your reaction is the problem.

What of someone had called the police on him? The curtain twitchers around us would have had him.

On a side note DH got under the bed and shook it to make me think it was an earthquake. I was not impressed.

BogglesGoggles · 25/04/2019 22:52

YANBU. Even if you had been asleep he would have woken you instead of scaring the shit out of you. Seeing as he can’t manage to get the chain off the door from the outside he should always call at a reasonable time to tell you.

Original poster
RocketSurgery · 25/04/2019 22:54

I’m still cross with him because he’s refusing to admit he did anything wrong. He sleeps like a log and someone breaking into the house and climbing into bed next to him would never wake him. But despite the fact I’m up at least 3 times a night, every night with ds2 it didn’t occur to him that it might wake me up and frighten me. It’s just the bloody thoughtlessness of him imagining himself as a romantic husband and then when it doesn’t go to plan it’s my fault.

OP posts:
DontCallMeShitley · 25/04/2019 22:59

He is a selfish, stupid dick head. If you had beaten his brains out thinking he was a burglar it would have been his own fault.

Needs to get his head out of his backside and learn some sense.

MancaroniCheese · 25/04/2019 22:59

He is being a knob.

If I woke up to hear someone trying to get into the house / creeping round my room / found a body in the bed next to me I would be fucking petrified.

He really has no clue the fear that women face.

He is also being a rubbish partner for not actually listening to you when you tell him you don't like surprises.

64sNewName · 25/04/2019 23:01

So he’s devised a romantic surprise for you, despite knowing you hate surprises

Somehow failed to anticipate the chain being on the door at night Hmm

Also failed to anticipate he might scare you half to death

Turned the blame onto you when it all, totally predictably, went wrong.

What a guy.

pallisers · 25/04/2019 23:02

Generally speaking, in my experience, people who love to do surprises don't actually want to please the other person but want to get the accolades and praise and attention. If he wanted you to be delighted at him being home early, he'd have called you at 6.30 and said "I'm outside. let me in love and I'll deal with the kids and you can go back to bed".

Instead he wanted the "oh amazing you are here, how did you get in, how fab you are". fucking tedious. and fucking tedious that he refuses to see how he frightened you. bet he is a very self-centered man. He probably basked in the "how brilliant you were to carry off the surprise party" from random party guests. that you didn't enjoy your own party was of no interest to him.

pallisers · 25/04/2019 23:03

I so wish you had called the police (and you lived in the US where I do) - that would have cured him of his love of surprises.

CoffeeConnoisseur · 25/04/2019 23:04

Surprising people who have made it clear they don’t like surprises is selfish.

It’s all about him.

The surprise party wasn’t for you, it was so he could bask in the glory of being the wonderful husband who went to all that effort (but left the maiden of underwear in the middle of the room) and of course you’d seem churlish in front of friends and family if you’d be anything other than delighted. He knew you would hate it but he went ahead anyway.

As for creeping into the house in the middle of the night, he’s an absolute gobshite if he can’t see, and be sorry for, how much he frightened you.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/04/2019 23:08

I'd be furious. Not just for the slightly creepy execution is his plan, but because he already knows that you hate surprise and keeps on anyway. Because what? You aren't old enough to really know what you like? It doesn't matter what you think anyway? But it isn't really about what you like, is it?
Hopefully when you explain exactly what it all sounded like to you, he will see that you reacted appropriately and did exactly the right thing to protect yourself, your children and your home. If he'd just phoned to tell you that he was outside that would have been a surprise, but doing everything possible to make you think you were about to be robbed/murdered is much more a shock than a surprise.

Passtherioja · 25/04/2019 23:09

Sleep on it (now you know no one else is going to drop in!!)...and tomorrow explain calmly to him how much he scared you, that when you are at home alone with the children you are the only person to protect the children and that is a huge responsibility! If you don't like surprises but he loves them maybe he just doesn't understand how stressed they make you-but he needs to listen!

Does he ever have the children over night whilst you are out? If he doesn't, then he may not realise the responsibility it holds.

My chap tried something similar once but my kids were with their dad...arrived at my house as a "surprise"... but I'd been on the pop with one of my friends, phone on silent and doors were locked and bolted so he couldn't get in ... he had to wait in the car till I woke up!! 🤣🤣

cashinnow · 25/04/2019 23:10

My dh travels a lot. This would piss me right off. My dh has no clue as to how worried I am when I’m alone in the house. He would probably do this and I just would be so angry.
But then he’s your dh. So be scared and ask him where your present from his travels is Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread