Would this piss you off?

[RocketSurgery]

Dh works away Monday to Friday about 200 miles away. He works for an American company and gets US bank holidays rather than UK ones so he was at work last Friday and this Monday. This has gone on for years and works out well for us.

Dh loves surprises and considers them very romantic. I do not, I bloody hate them, hate not knowing what’s going on but after a decade Dh still thinks each surprise he gives me will be the one that makes me realise I like them after all.

Last night at about midnight I hear footsteps on the path outside. I was in bed, two young dc’s asleep in the room next to me. Our house is upside down so bedrooms downstairs. I’m concerned about footsteps but not panicking- the house is pretty secure, we live on a hill and the path through our garden is sometimes used by cf’s taking a shortcut into/ back from town. I lie there listening, mentally thinking what’s in the garage, how long until I should call police, would me looking out the window and person seeing me make them leave or more likely to break in etc.

Then I hear the front door handle tried, and a lot of fumbling and the lock unlocking. At this point I run out of my bed and into the dc’s room, holding my phone with 999 dialled but not actually called them yet and nearly in tears because I just don’t know what to do. The door is caught on the chain so person can’t get in. At this point Dh calls me and asks me to let him in. I was shaking for a good hour afterwards because I was so frightened

I’m absolutely bloody furious with him. He wanted to creep in and for me to be thrilled to wake up in the morning and him magically be there. He caught the last train home but didn’t think to tell me. Now he’s cross with me because he’s been so excited to see us and I ruined it. Apparently I’m ridiculous for nearly calling 999 and getting so frightened. If I thought it was a burglar I should have just shouted out the window for them to bugger off.

I’m the 5 years he’s worked away he’s never once come home without telling me when. If it was the same night I would have probably assumed it was him and not worried but it was 2 days early!

I don’t understand how hard it is to realise it’s bloody frightening to think someone’s breaking in, especially when you’re the only adult with two young kids.

I’m still too cross to speak to him. Aibu? Not brave enough for actual aibu so please be gentle!

Good lord! Dh travels away for work a lot and i am home alone a lot.

if he ever EVER pulled a stunt like that I would be furious

It’s almost unforgivable. What an absolute total fucking dick move.

I’m so so angry on your behalf.

How dare he be so cavalier with your safety and feelings of security.

Bastard.

You know, there’s only one thing that really frightens me, and that’s the thought of waking up and someone being in my house that shouldn’t me. Even if it was my DH, it would still frighten me completely.

I also don’t like surprises much.

I'd be terrified. Yanbu. 100% id have either hurt the intruder or called the police.

What's more- should the same happen again, does your dh want you to roll over and think "it's just dh" when actually it is more likely to be an intruder? Or does he want you to react perfectly appropriately and in proportion to the events (which you did) should the worst happen?

I know from other experiences I've had if that had been me he'd "surprised" (and I agree it's selfish attention seeking bollocks!) he'd have been battered! Possibly even slashed with a knife.

I've disturbed thieves/burglars and had people attempt to mug me or sexually assault and wise or not (I'm 5'2" and no superhero!) my instinctive reaction I've found is toward fight.

Some flee or freeze but you don't know how you'll react until you're in the moment.

Dd freezes but this also translates into she forgets to breathe!

He's a fucking idiot! Not only did he scare the shit out of you - what if one of the children had been awake and similarly had the shit scared out of them?!

He KNOWS you don't like surprises so he KNOWS it's not for your benefit but for his own self aggrandisement.

He needs to grow the fuck up and cut this surprise crap out!

In bold for his benefit.

"I so wish you had called the police (and you lived in the US where I do) - that would have cured him of his love of surprises." I was thinking similarly! If he'd "surprised" my brother (I know weird bear with me) who is a police officer with a specialist unit he wouldn't have known what hit him! Literally!

If he DARES do it again make out you ARE calling the police to report a break in! And greet him with a big Fucking knife!

My DH once popped home of nights because he forgot his wallet. He was greeted with me stood behind the bedroom door with a baseball bat about to crash down on in his head. He only did it the once.

First of all this ^ - does he always not care about your feelings and opinions or is it just when it comes to surprises?

Secondly- what a fucking stupid, thoughtless, terrifying thing to do.

When our kids were small we briefly lived in a fairly remote cottage. I used to have us all in the same room when DH was away - if my eldest was in his room across the hall I’d be awake at every creak of the floorboards all night.

If DH had tried a fuckwit stunt like that & successfully unexpectedly been in the house he’d have got a baseball bat round the head! What a dick, you are right to be furious & denying that doing it was anything other than mindblowingly stupid, scary for you and ill thought out would frustrate me beyond belief.

Is he a good Dad/aware of the responsibility of parenting & protecting children in other ways? Does he have problems with empathy/understanding emotion etc? A very odd thing to do to a woman alone with small kids.

I would have been terrified and honestly it would take me ages to get over that fear.

Can he not understand the difference between a shock and a surprise?

Can he not put himself in the position of a woman who's got sole responsibility for small children and who is terrified when she hears someone trying to get into the house?

I asked my husband about this. He once had done something similar but in very different circumstances. I lived with parents, two adult brothers and 2 adult sisters. He let himself in with the joke intention of leaving a ridiculously oversized heart shape box of milk tray on the bed and leaving. I was awake and in the bright moonlight could see him. It ended u0 being really funny and would never have frightened me in that context.
Asked if he would do it when he knew I'd be alone in a house with two children he said no way. His first thought would be I'd be so terrified a first reaction of anyone woken up in fright would be to attack any intruder they found probably by hitting them overthe head with the heaviest object they could grab then grabbing the kids and running outside screaming. He said your husband is an idiot. I agree!
He needs to be realistic and really think it through. Did he not think you might imagine he could be a child abductor, rapist, murderer etc. He needs to realise this was seriously misjudged. You would have had a fabulous Time together If He had told you. It stupid mis communication ike this that splits people up.

That would have scared the shit out of me and it takes me hours to calm down after a fright, my adrenaline would be pumping for quite some time.

My DP makes me jump just by turning up in the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth! If he wasn’t even supposed to be in the house I would freak the fuck out there

When he wants to surprise me, he calls and says he’s on his way over. He’s learned that a shadowy figure knocking on the window/door late at night is NOT a welcome surprise. As the lone woman in a house with kids, you’re on edge at the best of times. Something men will never understand.

The other night I thought I heard the front door rattle and made DP go down and double check that I hadn’t left the key in it. He totally understood my fear even though it interrupted sexy time but it’s not something he’d ever worry about. In fact he often doesn’t even lock his front door and it can be opened from the outside just using the handle (one reason I never stay there!)

Your DP has been a thoughtless arse - so caught up with his surprise and how it made him feel that he’s not thinking about what you need or want - security, safety and being kept in the loop. YANBU

We are in the US, when DH works away I make sure I have protection with me.

He knows not to do something like that because he is likely to get a shotgun blast coming down the stairs, aimed center mass.

🌷🥃

Some —thick— men really just do not get ‘male privilege’

You need to re explain to him how fucking scared you were. Footsteps outside, waiting, someone trying the door - you, half asleep, terrified, protecting the kids....he needs to understand your fear.

Tell him that it’s the final straw. You’ve told him SO any times you hate surprises, but he continues to do it. No more. He’s so intent on getting his own at any cost, he doesn’t care how you feel.

Tell him it’s a deal breaker - one more ‘surprise’ and it’s over.

And to cap it all, he left the maiden of underwear in the middle of the room ! Who needs that idiot turning up at a surprise party

What did he think you were going to do if you woke in the night to find an intruder in your house? What would he hope you would do? In his (thick) head he obviously thought you would just wake in the morning and see him beside you and be happy. Because he is too selfish to remember that you are a light sleeper. Because he lacks the empathy to put himself in your position and imagine being responsible for two small children, totally responsible.
If you don't like surprises you're not going to start liking them if he pulls stunts which make you uncomfortable. I don't know if you can plan an activity which you know he won't enjoy - family trip to soft play centre, a dinner party with friends he really dislikes, all his least favourite foods every day for a week - to give him a taste of his own medicine. Then explain that you don't involve him in things you know he will hate because you love him. And if he loves you he should show you the same consideration.

YANBU - he's lucky you didn't hurt him.

It is creepy behaviour. I would be furious too, and terrified.

Basically, he was planning to be the intruder in your home and expecting you to be delighted. What an arrogant twat.

YANBU. He isn’t listening to you.

I'm on my own a lot (with DC) as DH works away and this would've scared me half to death. We had an aggravated burglary a few years ago and everything you will have imagined when you heard those noises actually happened, it left me with PTSD which I still haven't fully recovered from.

Your DH needs to have a really long think about how he would feel if men in balaclavas broke into your home, held him, you and DC at knifepoint, robbed you and beat him up because I guarantee he would never be blasé about his stupid 'surprise' ever again. Men don't tend to worry about this stuff but I can assure you they're every bit as scared as women when it actually happens, in fact I think it comes as more of a shock to them because it just doesn't occur to them that it could.

I also hate surprises. My DH loves them. He organised a surprise birthday party for my 30th, which he told me he was doing, then told me what the actual surprises were (my parents coming from overseas for the weekend, my sister likewise, my best friend and her husband, dinner in a restaurant I loved, a trip to a hammam) over a couple of days in the week before. So I could be surprised but not shocked or caught off guard. It was really lovely. We'd only been together 3 years by then but he knew me well enough to know I don't like actual surprises. Because I told him that once and he listened.
Your husband is selfish. I'd have been terrified too. Actually, DH once jumped out at me in the hall of our flat, and I cried even though I knew he was ahead of me. I think that was the last surprise surprise he tried. I can't imagine how much worse him sneaking in in the night would be.

hump I could cope with surprises I knew about. I also wouldn’t mind if they were surprises I actually wanted. The party he did for my birthday was lovely in that he managed to get some friends of mine I hadn’t seen for years to come and I think it genuinely was done with the best of intentions. But my pants were in the middle of the room and he hadn’t organised any food for anyone, some of them had travelled from the other side of the country. Dh claims that this only bothered me because I’m a perfectionist and I want everything done my way. But I consider those fairly basic requirements for a party!

Anyway he has apologised now. In a half arsed ‘I’m sorry you didn’t appreciate it’ kind of way but I think I was pissed off enough for him to not try it again!

A surprise party with no food and he hadn’t tidied away your clothes-horse covered in pants?

Good grief. His surprises really suck! As does his crap apology.