Anyone got any corny jokes?

[notacooldad]

I'll start.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh , Give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!

I need some daft jokes!

Where do you weigh whales?

At the whale-way station

Where do you weigh pies?

Somewhere over the rainbow (weigh a pie)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

In other news, a Sheffield man has been detained in a psychiatric hospital after complaining to his doctor that he thought he was an armchair. His condition has been described as comfortable.

How do you get down off an elephant?

You don’t, you get down off a duck

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.

Two peanuts are walking down the street in a rough area. . . .

One was a salted.

Oh no, I’ve spent £300 on a limousine and just found out it doesn’t come with a driver...
I can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

What do you call a happy penguin?

A pen-grin.

I gave up my job at a mail-order watchmakers where I would wind up the watches and package them so I had a big pile ready at the end of the day for the courier. To be honest, I was fed up with the constant box ticking.

A man went to the doctor's and said "I've got a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor said "I'll give you some cream for that."

Anyway, I'm thinking of getting into the mirror-cleaning business: it's a job I can really see myself doing.

How does the Pope pay for his online purchase?

He uses his Papal account.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Do YOU know how to drive this thing?"

Why don't cows have feet?

Because they lack toes (lactose)

Q; Whats brown and steaming and comes out of cows?

A; The isle of Wight ferry

And yes I know its Cowes.

So I went to the doctor today and he said I haven't seen you for a while, so I said, I know I've been ill.

I was going to go to the zoo the other day but they only had dogs

It was a shih tzu

Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels.

Excellent thread!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
You’re a poo too.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling very well.

Why did the whale go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t feeling very whale.

What kind of fingers does a fish have?
Fish fingers.

Wahey!

Why can't you send a telegram to Washington?
Because he's dead!

1st astronaut: Can you telephone from a spaceship?
2nd astronaut: Of course I can tell a phone from a spaceship!

Which is the messier sport, netball or basketball?
Basketball, because the players dribble; and netball players wear bibs, just in case.

Who is jumping up and down screaming one minute, and sobbing in a chair the next?
A netball coach.

Doctor doctor, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I think I'm a marquee.
Calm down, I think you're just too tense (two tents).

Doctor doctor, do you have anything good for loss of voice?
Good morning, what can I do for you?

How do you make three old ladies say the f-word?
Have a fourth one yell "bingo!"

What sort of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster!

What does a ballet dancer wear if she's too small for a tutu? A one-one.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

A man goes to the doctor and says, doctor, doctor, I've got a lettuce in my bottom, and the doctor has a look and says, yes, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg.....

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.
The barman says "What is this? Some sort of joke?"

How do you catch an elephant?
Make a noise like a peanut.

Did you hear the inventor of autocorrect passed away? I didn't even know he was I'll.