Nursery dilema

[Biolama]

Hi, My son is 22 months old. When my maternity leave finished, it made no financial sense to return to the same job taking into consideration the cost of childcare so I began working around my DH’s hours for extra income and stayed at home through the day with my son. Now in September I’m starting a degree which requires me to be at uni 9-5 for 3 days a week. I’ve sorted a nursery for my son that is close to my university and have taken him to look around.

We’re planning on doing settling in sessions during May and getting him to start 1 day a week in June-September, then 4 days a week from September onwards with the vision of giving me a full day out of uni to do assignments and generally a day where I don’t have to rush.

The only problem is my son has some developmental delay (HV currently doing monthly assessments) and cannot grasp the concept of drinking from a cup, sippy, straw or anything that is not a baby bottle. We’ve tried since he was 6 months old to introduce a beaker. We’ve tried every cup that the supermarkets sell with various different lids, 360 cups, straw cups and he just doesn’t get it. He won’t even drink out of a different baby bottle it has to be the same tommee tippee ones he’s had since birth. Our HV said after all the fuss, to keep pressuring him will only give him a complex so to just relax and let him have the botte until he gets to grips and catches up (other development delays in communication and gross motor). He used to say a few words and now it’s like he has forgotten how to speak and says the words but with his mouth shut all the time. He also only eats certain foods such as blueberries, porridge, strawberries, easy peelers, toast (not bread), beans, cheese, fish fingers and mash. To get vitamins and fibre into him I have to blend vegetables up and mix them in with his mashed potato. He doesn’t use cutlery. We’ve always given it to him and he used to be able to use them but again seems to have forgotten and no amount of showing / coaxing will get him to use them. It’s very fustrating.

When I was speaking to the manager of the nursery about this and she said they serve the nursery menu and nothing else which is fair enough, I’m thinking if he has a good breakfast before going and a large meal when he gets home he should be ok for those days and hopefully end up copying the other children anyway. She said he won’t be allowed to drink from a baby bottle. It’s water only (he absolutely never drinks water either very diluted squash that is pretty much water but it has to look purple or milk). I’ve tried since he was 6 months old to get him to drink water but to no avail. He’s gone weeks without a proper drink before (on HV instruction) and hasn’t caved.

Is this right of them to say he cannot have a drink at nursery? I know the idea is to get him to drink from another utensil but he absolutely won’t do that, even the health visitor has said leave it a few more months at least before trying again because of how traumatising it is for both him and me. Surely once or twice a day they could take him away from the other children and give him a quick drink from his bottle if the issue is the other kids aren’t allowed?

I can always try another nursery but the manager of this one said every childcare setting she knows absolutely will refuse to give a (by then) 2 year old a bottle to drink from. It seems like such a trivial thing but in the height of summer, not being able to drink for up to 10 hours a day really isn’t fair surely?!

Could you consider a childminder?
They are more likely to be ale to support your DS and the developmental delay.

I’ve contacted so many on childcare.co.uk and they have all said no availability especially around September when he’ll have to go 3-4 days a week. I don’t know many people where I live so don’t know about finding one through word of mouth either. The nursery also said nursery places are like gold dust here but I’m not sure if that was a ‘pick me quick’ tatic or not

Have you thought about a childminder instead as I find them more accepting? I know there’s a child in my childminders group with a similar issue and she is still having her bottle aged 3; she has developmental delays, still has naps and comforters. She is on the 30 free hours and is listed with the nursery; on occasion the childminder gets them all to nursery and she isn’t able to get her in and settled that day so will keep her but other days she goes in fine.
We do 9-12 with childminder then 12-3 at nursery and the childminder picks up from nursery at 3 for wraparound until I finish work. Could this not be an option? Then at least it’s only an afternoon or morning stint rather than a full day?

Dont take their word for it they are bias!
Get in touch with others and check them out.

I’m not sure I’ll have to try to look into finding a childminder that could possibly work with us but all I’ve contacted have no space and say no spaces likely to come up in the future. In our town there are no nurseries, not even ones connected to schools i don’t think as only 1 school. That’s why i was going to get him in the Nursery near my uni but as that’s quite a big city there seems to be a distinct lack of space there too... how could i go about finding a local childminder who’s not on childcare.co.uk? Baring in mind I basically know no one

That's tricky - not sure what the answer is.

However, in terms of getting him used to cups I recommend forgetting about getting him to drink from them (which you have done), and start playing with them instead. Things like using a free flow cup in the bath - fill it with water and pout the water out the spout. Get him to pour a drink into your mouth and make a game of it etc etc. Make the cups become a things he can feel relaxed and fun around as the first step.

You may find he'd be happy to drink from one at nursery where there's no choice, but still refuse at home (it's actually quite common!), but obviously you can't plan for that as there's no telling what he may or may not do in advance.

Thankyou SleepWarrior I will definitely try that with his cups and see if that eases his anxiety around them. At the moment if I put a cup / beaker near his toy box he will avoid all his toys and sit in the middle of the room until it’s removed!

I'd speak to your health visitor about a nursery that is experienced with dealing with children with medical needs / developmental delays.

Local council may have a list of registered childminders, that’s how I found one for my dc.

Well that nursery sounds a bit shit and inflexible, I think I would look for another. My daughter was similar and has some issues with food following some early development problems and didn’t eat a thing from nursery dinners, even pudding. The nursery suggested she have a packed lunch and have been incredibly helpful about other developmental issues such as toileting which have been a problem. It sounds like the nursery you have just don’t want to be accommodating.

Our childminder was listed on the council website. I started reading their ofsted reports then went to see them.

Find a different nursery. Ours would accommodate your wishes whilst obviously trying to get them used to beakers, cutlery etc. It’s amazing what kids will try when they are with other children and you’re not there.

You could try asking to speak to the nursery SENDCo. Explain the advice you have had from the Health Visitor, ask if he can have an IEP (or whatever your county calls an individualised plan). This is not a fussy child, it is a child who has some sensory processing/developmental issues, which should be supported by the nursery. They can put a plan in place for how they will support DS to move towards using different utensils, drinking plain water, eating other foods etc, but this should be following the advice of other professionals who are involved.
A similar example I have come across is potty training - nurseries/schools are allowed to refuse to take a child who is not toilet trained UNLESS the toilet training issues are related to a disability/developmental delay, then it becomes disability discrimination. If nursery won't work with you, it might not be the best place for your DS...
You could also look for childminders on the Ofsted website here: reports.ofsted.gov.uk/ You can search 'Childcare and Early Education', then it gives you a further filter for childminders.

If you've explained the situation to the nursery and they are openly telling you they don't make exceptions for children with delays then avoid them like the plague. And once you get another childcare please sorted then please do report them.

Nurseries may not like making exceptions for children with delays, disabilities and conditions, but they are obliged too. "nursery menu and nothing else" would be acceptable if your child had an allergy so it's not acceptable when he has other documented issues.

I can always try another nursery but the manager of this one said every childcare setting she knows absolutely will refuse to give a (by then) 2 year old a bottle to drink from

She would say that as she wants you to pay her setting. I've put 5 kids through various nurseries and childminders and I don't any that would have worked with a parent and HV to put a plan together to care for and help progress a child.

*Wouldn't be acceptable if your child had an allergy

That nursery really does not sound like the right one.
My son has no delays and is fairly good with nursery food but at the start went through some periods of resisting food and the nursery asked me for his favourites and worked with me to make sure they always served some food they knew he would eat. I would expect that of any decent nursery really.

Thanks for all your advice, this week I will be on the hunt for a more accommodating setting for sure. The way she told me this, it sounded like we would have the same issue everywhere so I’m very glad that isn’t the case! I will ask my HV at the next assessment if there’s anything she can do to help but in terms of her involvement it’s just the monthly assessments at the minute to see how far behind he is and how quickly (if at all) he develops so I don’t know if we could have anything particular in place before September as things seem to be moving very slowly on that front

Red flag for that nursery imo. You should look at others. They should be accommodating or look into CM (maybe shared with another parent?)

Sounds like that nursery needs a reminder that the child is yours not theirs, that every child is different and that their job is to care.. Your post has bothered me so much I'm considering going back into childcare.

SunshineCake i take it you have availability for September then

If you've explained the situation to the nursery and they are openly telling you they don't make exceptions for children with delays then avoid them like the plague. And once you get another childcare please sorted then please do report them

I agree. Are they as inflexible whatever the additional need?

It isn’t the case everywhere and I hope the next place you look at proves that. Good luck!

Please look for a more accommodating nursery. My daughter started nursery just after turning two and at the time she had a language delay caused by glue ear and would not drink water or eat anything other than tomato pasta. The nursery let me send in flavoured water in her own bottle for her and for the first few weeks the cook made her pasta every day. Eventually she started eating more food and drinking water when she saw the other kids doing it but she needed the nursery to take the approach that they did in the early days.

The nursery you gave described sound awful.

My dd nursery is nothing like the one you described so don't write them all off.

Hi op, long serving nursery staff here. Problem with your situation is that nursery's have certain policies they have to adhere to for insurance policies. You name it, I've seen it and I bet my last penny that your lo will start doing all those things he refuses to do now within a month at nursery. It is amazing what they pick up, and frustrating enough what they will do with guidance from someone other than mum or dad. If you like the actual setting then don't right them off just yet, think of doing a term as a probation to see how well lo copes. Unfortunately, in this business if you accommodate for every single need that isn't recognised as SEND (not suggesting it is any less important to you) staff are taken up completing these little tasks.
Hope you find a solution.

Oh right my son can just go without food or drink 4 days a week for a month incase he learns to do these things he hasnt been capable of doing for over a year. Wow you sound just like the woman i spoke to are you a nursery manager in the midlands?!