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Original poster

My Ex has "blocked" me

37 replies

Wallpap · 22/04/2019 08:06

POST EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE IDENTIFYING DETAILS

I've been separated 7 years. For the last 4 years my 9 year old daughter hasn't wanted to sleep over at dads which has been fine.
Last year he moved in with a lady with 4 sons and they have convinced DD to sleep over.
I have concerns over the fact that the sons are 13,11,8 and 1 and she doesn't her own room.
My biggest concern is that her abusive (verbally to me) has now "blocked" me on his phone meaning I can't ask if she's ok or communicate about her in any way.

I don't see the point in her staying over as they live so close and don't utilise the time they have with her when she's there (just watch tv or sit in the garden) there's no value add to the situation

Also, the boys. . The sleeping arrangements and finally the lack of communication and being totally cut off. She hasn't stayed away from gone for 4 years and if she's scared I haven't a clue

OP posts:
recall · 22/04/2019 08:08

Could you get your DD her own phone ? That will override and bypass his manipulative behaviour.

Original poster
Wallpap · 22/04/2019 08:09

She has one but it's been switched off.

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 22/04/2019 08:09

Can you get her a cheapy pay as you go phone?

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Families Relationship problems
Nottsgirl1 · 22/04/2019 08:11

She has a phone but she's not allowed it when she's there. It's switched off

PetrichorRain · 22/04/2019 08:13

Is she there now? or has she just asked to stay over?

I don't think there's anything wrong with them just pottering in the garden or watching tv together though, that's just what families do a lot of the time. He shouldn't have to be entertaining her constantly. Do you do activities all day every day with her? But I would be concerned that I couldn't communicate with Ex due to the blocked phone and with the lack of a clear plan for where she'll sleep. If he's blocked your phone, how can you ever arrange access anyway? What if DD was in an accident and had to go to hospital, how does he expect you to let him know?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 22/04/2019 08:13

Theres value in experiencing regular life with both sides of the family. Dumb boring regular life.

Theres not a lot you can do about contacting the 9 year old. You just have to trust shes ok in her dads care. (And believe me i know how ridiculous that can sound)

BUT No overnight contact unless exH makes clear tge sleeping arrangements and those arrangements give her a degree if privacy, eg own space yoto sleep in, even if thats put you up in the living room

ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 22/04/2019 08:13

Nope. He needs to communicate openly with you and she needs her own room. Get legal advice op. No future sleepovers until it's been arranged and discussed properly with solicitors.

Nottsgirl1 · 22/04/2019 08:17

Thank you. I do appreciate the normal family life and that it can't all be theme parks and castles however, their idea of a day together is taking her to a sunbed shop or tattoo shop.
She comes home saying she's bored.
Dad is a drinker who previously threw her out whilst drunk at her last sleep over. Hence the 4 year gap. Girlfriend will not look at me let alone have a conversation.

Birdie6 · 22/04/2019 08:17

This situation may solve itself after this one time. If she has taken 4 years to agree to a sleepover, and now finds herself sharing with all those boys.....well next time she may decide to decline the offer.

Fairylea · 22/04/2019 08:24

Did your dd choose to stay over this time then?

I think unless you have solid concerns about her welfare you might need to just accept they do things differently. Where is she sleeping when she stays over?

PineapplePatty · 22/04/2019 08:27

OP maybe ask HQ to edit your DDs name from your post.

Nottsgirl1 · 22/04/2019 08:28

The ex told me in front of her at pick up that she had decided she wanted to stay and told her to tell me. I was baffled by the change of heart as she was adamant previous that she didn't want too. When I asked her away from him she said she wanted to try so I've let her.
I believe she's sleeping in a room with the 1 year old

DelphiniumBlue · 22/04/2019 08:33

Is have concerns too.
Does Ex have a reason for blocking you? If there's no history of harassment by you, I think it's worrying that he won't allow DD to contact you, and that you can't contact her. It's also worrying that he threw her out when drunk - what exactly do you mean by that? Because it sounds as if he doesn't have her interests at heart, and can't be relied on to keep her safe.
Does she feel safe there? Is it near enough for her to be able to get herself home if she needs to?

Fairylea · 22/04/2019 08:33

The sharing the room with the 1 year old wouldn’t bother me if your dd is happy. I don’t know what you’re worried about with regards to the older boys....? It’s not like she’s sharing a room with them.

I think you have to be led by your dd here.

Nottsgirl1 · 22/04/2019 08:41

I'm concerned with having pre adolescent boys sleeping so close to her that I've never met.

Previously I've messaged him with concerns for her welfare. Not using car seats, not using seat belts, taking her to sunbed shops whilst the adults tan at the same time. Recently she was crying at bedtime about sleeping over and wanting to please us both. I messaged to ask if it was necessary as she was feeling under pressure and asked if we could talk about it. In response when I picked her up her let all he'll break loose by screaming at me and calling me lots of colourful names saying I was poison.
I just wanted to talk as adults away from her which he will not do.
So now he won't talk to me at all

I cannot express any concerns, tell him if she's poorly, text over her homework, address any school matters , tell him of any medical matters.

SaskiaRembrandt · 22/04/2019 08:44

But the only preadolescent boy she is sleeping close to is a baby.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 22/04/2019 08:44

I think you have posted before haven’t you OP about this issue. I cant remember what you were advised then, but i probably would ask her alone whether she wants to sleep over at dads. It’s his way of continuing to control you.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/04/2019 08:45

I think his girlfriend won't look at you because she is in a bad situation

Be firm with him she can stay but her phone is on and she can use it when she likes if he kicks off again publicly in front of your child police every dam time

thethoughtfox · 22/04/2019 08:47

Be careful: this type of situation with not proper supervision and children staying who are not related to her is a red flag. She could be abused by these boys. This happened to the daughter of a friend of mine. I am not saying this happens in all new step families. If he is a drinker and not great parent, his girlfriend is likely to be the same. Her children could be emotionally / physically neglected or have experienced unpleasant things from other male partners of hers and are could be a threat to your child.

OldAndWornOut · 22/04/2019 08:49

I think you're right the have concerns on all sorts of levels, not least that your ex is unwilling to communicate with you in an adult, responsible way.

stucknoue · 22/04/2019 08:49

I'm pretty sure that legally you need be able to contact her in emergency, don't they have a house phone?

Fairylea · 22/04/2019 08:50

I think you are wrong to be worried about the older boys. Just because they are boys doesn’t automatically she is going to be abused by them.

I think you do have cause for concern re the sun bed shops / them ignoring her / etc. And the safety issue re seat belts etc. Those are valid and reasonable concerns.

thethoughtfox · 22/04/2019 08:50

In the case I know of, it wasn't the arranged sleeping arrangement that was the problem: it was an older boy suggesting they pile in to a bed or sofa under a blanket to watch movies which is how it started. One of those ' chaotic' houses with little supervision. I'm sure he had likely experienced some abuse or unpleasantness himself from one his mother's exes.

Nottsgirl1 · 22/04/2019 08:56

Thethoughtfox unfortunately in this day and age that is a huge concern to me . . We must think and be aware.

I am mindful that the other children do not see their father on a regular basis (3/4 times a year) as my dd tells me they say he is a bad man.

I'm not sure what a bad man is or what the other children have seen or have been through. Also, what if he arrives at the house and my dd is there?

I have so many concerns over this situ

Lucked · 22/04/2019 08:58

If they have organised it so she is only sharing with a 1 year old I think that is appropriate.

Maybe she is having more fun with other children around and some close to her in age but she would feel disloyal admitting it to you as you are so against the situation.

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