My Ex has "blocked" me

[Wallpap]

POST EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE IDENTIFYING DETAILS

I've been separated 7 years. For the last 4 years my 9 year old daughter hasn't wanted to sleep over at dads which has been fine.
Last year he moved in with a lady with 4 sons and they have convinced DD to sleep over.
I have concerns over the fact that the sons are 13,11,8 and 1 and she doesn't her own room.
My biggest concern is that her abusive (verbally to me) has now "blocked" me on his phone meaning I can't ask if she's ok or communicate about her in any way.

I don't see the point in her staying over as they live so close and don't utilise the time they have with her when she's there (just watch tv or sit in the garden) there's no value add to the situation

Also, the boys. . The sleeping arrangements and finally the lack of communication and being totally cut off. She hasn't stayed away from gone for 4 years and if she's scared I haven't a clue

Fair point

For PP, this is not a 'all boys/ men are a threat' but when children are not properly supervised by their parents, they are vulnerable. If dangerous men and/ or damaged children have access to them, this is when they can be hurt. In the situation I know of, I don't know about all the men in the child who abused my friend's dd but his father had been violent to the mother and he had lived with this.

It's a sad world when we label all boys as likely rapists and sexual abusers.

I do think there’s value in her staying there even if they’re just doing everyday stuff; she doesn’t need to have constant interaction and activities, just normal life with her dad.
How much do you contact her dad when she’s with him normally? DSD doesn’t generally have any contact with her mum when she’s here just 1-2 nights but that’s because she’s always stayed so I’d expect to at least hear once from her dad about whether she’s settled ok in your position.
I’d also want to know the sleeping arrangements but what makes you think that either her dad or the boys mum wouldn’t make sure that was all ok? Is there something about their attitude or approach that makes you think they wouldn’t put your DD sleeping separately?

My thoughts exactly @Scarcleyburnt

I understand how your mind's working but you need to accept that she is under the care of a parent. You shouldn't need to check in on her and I'll bet you'd be seriously pissed off if he was phoning you repeatedly to check she's OK whenever she is in your care. If you have legitimate reasons to believe she is not safe in his care then don't entrust her to him. By legitimate reasons, I mean evidence-based ones a court would consider, not general anxiety and fear that all boys are potential abusers.

Recently she was crying at bedtime about sleeping over and wanting to please us both.

This worries me a bit. It does sort of imply that she knows you don't want her to stay over and has been avoiding it in an effort to please you, rather than because she actually doesn't want to.

It must be difficult for you though.

Hi @Wallpap, sorry to appear on your thread like this but we had a few reports from other MNers who were concerned that you'd used identifying details in your OP.

We could see why this might be a problem so we've just nipped in and edited out the details.

Hope that sets your mind at rest

@LouMumsnet
Thank you first time user

Various statistics are available on the prevalence of childhood sexual abuse. It is estimated by some studies that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys experience sexual abuse. 90% of the abuse is carried out by somebody known to the child. A child is most vulnerable to sexual abuse between the ages of 7 and 14.

OP is absolutely right to question how safe her DD is in house with older boys that she doesn’t know, with the added concern that their father could turn up and all the while she has no way to contact her child or vice versa. If we want a world where men and boys are not treated as a potential threat, then we need to first create a world where 20% of women and girls are not sexually assaulted by them.

So she is there now and every method of contact has been turned off? Unacceptable she shouldn't go again.

All ok now?