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Original poster

Wtaf am I meant to do?

42 replies

Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 21/04/2019 21:12

Oh jeez.... I need some advice / perspective please

MIL (who I don't have a great relationship with) has decided to share with me some news tonight about FIL who is very very poorly with COPD. Basically at the last appointment she asked the nurse how long was left and was told less than 1year Sad so her husband (my FIL) doesn't know and her son (my dh) and SIL doesn't know. I said i thought he would like to know and she said I could tell him if I wanted but I said it wasn't my news to share and that she should tell him. But she hasn't, and I don't think she will.... so my dilemma is what should I do? Tell him or wait to see if she does? Obviously though time is of the essence. We are not very close (they are uninterested grandparents) so it makes it complicated. Any advice? Should I say something or keep mum?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 21/04/2019 21:13

It's not your place to tell him. Stay out of it!

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 21:15

She may have shared it with you to share the burden of the news but I assume she knows her husband well and there would be good reasons why she doesn’t want to tell him.

Personally l, I think that unless your FIL very explicitly wants to know how much he has left, you should keep your mouth shut. The nurse may be wrong anyway.

DeadZed · 21/04/2019 21:15

If anything I would share the news with your DH, then it's his family so up to him to take any further action.

Knitclubchatter · 21/04/2019 21:16

i'd just remind my dh that the long term prognosis for COPD is not good and to spend as much time as possible with his dad now as you don't know what the future hold.

CoffeeConnoisseur · 21/04/2019 21:17

Do you mean you want to tell your DH, or tell your FIL?

I think it’s unusual for medics (especially a nurse) to give a ‘time limit’ for COPD. I’d be inclined to say nothing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2019 21:19

How would you feel if it was your parent and your DH kept this sort of news from you?

I’d tell my husband. It’s up to her what she tells hers.

Original poster
Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 21/04/2019 21:25

Thanks everyone, to clarify I mean should I tell my husband (his son)?

coffee COPD nurses are highly trained and unfortunately at this late stage of copd they are well versed in how long a patient may have left based on their lung capacity.

anne this is my dilemma, i would hate it plus I don't do secrets from my dh but I feel I've been put in a shitty situation..

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2019 21:30

She’s been been unfair but it sounds like that’s no atypical for the relationship. When your husband finds out, which he will, and that you knew and didn’t tell him, which he will, he’ll probably be hurt. I would. My husband would. While there’s the very occasional thing I wouldn’t tell my husband, it would only be something that doesn’t affect him at all. This wouldn’t be one of those times. All you can do is be honest with him, tell him you’ve been waiting for his mum to tell him and as she hasn’t you’re doing so now. So what if she’s pissed off at you. Your loyalty has to be to your husband, not anyone else.

It sounds very difficult, I’m sorry Flowers

FiremanKing · 21/04/2019 21:30

If you tell him you face the wrath/upset of Mil.

If you don’t tell him but then Mil at a later date tells him that she told you he may well take it badly that you didn’t tell him.

I would word it to him that Mil has told you that the the nurse told her that his father may only have a year and you didn’t feel you could keep that to yourself.

AuditAngel · 21/04/2019 21:32

I would think that MIL wants your DH to know, but can’t face telling him herself.

I’m sorry for your news, my dad had COPD and my brother (46) has recently been diagnosed too.

Original poster
Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 21/04/2019 21:33

Thanks fireman and anna I think I will say something, I think it's the right thing to do. Flowers

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 21/04/2019 21:33

Same, here,. Tell your DH his mum told you his dad is very ill, and has a while left but not years....That you think he should talk to his mum about it.

ElloBrian · 21/04/2019 21:33

I think you need to tell your H.

Original poster
Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 21/04/2019 21:34

audit Flowers for you

OP posts:
QuantamBaby · 21/04/2019 21:34

Tell him what your MIL has told you. Your loyalty is to your DH and he deserves to have all the known information - he can then decide to visit (or not) his dad as much as he would like in the remaining time. You don't want your FIL to die, your DH to be upset and surprised and MIL to turn round and say "well, your DW knew it all and didn't tell you..."

Drum2018 · 21/04/2019 21:39

I couldn't keep that from my Dh. It's massive news. And inevitably he'll find out that you knew so tell him tonight. He can then contact his mother if he wishes.

Original poster
Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 21/04/2019 21:42

quantam you've read my deepest worry here .... as much as I'd like to think she wouldn't do that, I think she actually would, which itself is very sad. Ffs I'm actually really annoyed at it all!

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 21/04/2019 21:45

Please tell your DH. If it was one of my parents, and my H knew, I would absolutely want to know. I’d be really hurt and angry if I found out later that he knew and didn’t tell me.

Bringbackthestripes · 21/04/2019 21:46

Sorry but how did MIL engineer time alone with the nurses at her DH appointment where they felt able to tell her-not the patient- that he had a year to live? Was this GP based or hospital based? Is FIL struggling a lot at the moment?

Bringbackthestripes · 21/04/2019 21:48

You will have to tell DH, it should be MIL telling him but I’m sure she has enough on her plate at the moment. Can she usually talk to your DH?

Scrumptiousbears · 21/04/2019 21:49

Would they really tell MiL and not FiL?

MySecondBestBroomstick · 21/04/2019 21:58

She has a lot on her plate with her husband being terminally ill. It's not a case of it being her place vs your place. She is probably stretched thin enough as it is, and this is one thing you can do to help.

I think you should make noises to your DH about your FIL being very ill and taking a turn for the worse, and sound DH out on whether he'd actually want to know more details if they were available. Then take it from there.

If my DH said "actually I wouldn't want to know" - and people do, more than you'd think - then I would keep schtum. Otherwise, you telling him rather than MIL having to do so is a kindness.

mineofuselessinformation · 21/04/2019 21:59

I suspect FIL already knows (my DF certainly knew he was going to die shortly although DM and I thought he had more time. How, I don't know) - and has possibly chosen not to tell MIL because he wants to spare her the pain.
Do you know if he has a DNR in place? That might be a way to opening a conversation about it, but it really needs to be your dh and not you that makes this decision.
You need to tell DH what MIL has told you.
Again, your poor MIL is probably trying to minimise any pain for her family.
Whichever way, I don't think you should keep the truth from your DH. It need to be his decision what happens next.
I'm sorry for the position you are in.

Original poster
Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 21/04/2019 21:59

bringback and bears I don't know how it happened really, she said that FIL was really upset at the news that his capacity was now less than 20% so whether he left the room or it was at the outpatient clinic that they go to twice a week I don't know, I was a bit stunned and didn't ask the specifics. ....

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 21/04/2019 22:00

Sorry, while I've been writing my reply lots of posters have more or less said the same as me.