Wtaf am I meant to do?

[Fortythreeandfatasfuck]

Oh jeez.... I need some advice / perspective please

MIL (who I don't have a great relationship with) has decided to share with me some news tonight about FIL who is very very poorly with COPD. Basically at the last appointment she asked the nurse how long was left and was told less than 1year so her husband (my FIL) doesn't know and her son (my dh) and SIL doesn't know. I said i thought he would like to know and she said I could tell him if I wanted but I said it wasn't my news to share and that she should tell him. But she hasn't, and I don't think she will.... so my dilemma is what should I do? Tell him or wait to see if she does? Obviously though time is of the essence. We are not very close (they are uninterested grandparents) so it makes it complicated. Any advice? Should I say something or keep mum?

bringback no, not very close at all

I don't think there can be any question of not telling your DH, this isn't the sort of secret you can keep from him and if you did it's all too likely he would find out you knew eventually. That might be something he'd struggle to forgive and I'm sorry but "your mum didn't want me to tell you" just doesn't cut it, your loyalty is to DH.

It's definitely not your place to tell fil though. Presumably the medical team haven't because they think it might be detrimental for him to know. If his immediate family think he should know then that's their call, they know him best.

Thanks mine and scrumptious that's some good advice. I feel for her but she's always been such a cold cold woman and quite distant from us that I find it difficult to muster much for her as it's never been forthcoming from her but maybe I need to let bygones be bygones now and realise how difficult it is for her....

imnot I think you are right, he's struggling with anxiety at the moment so I think that has been a factor in not telling him..

Very sorry about your news OP

My DF has stage 4 copd .. Its a horrid thing .

You cannot tell fil but you must tell your dh. You can’t keep that from your dh, and your loyalty is to him not your mil.

When my husband was terminally ill, I was told that his prognosis could not be kept from him, unless he specified that he didn’t want to know. Even when he was on borrowed time, the consultant couldn’t be more specific with me than suggesting that I made, what turned out to be his last, birthday as special as I could. When I said that I hoped he could enjoy a good summer before the end, he just said “sorry” and shake his head.

I’d be very surprised if she knew and he didn’t. You sa6 you don’t have a good relationship, so it seems strange that she has confided in you. I hate to suggest this, but could she be setting you up? Can you be sure she has been told this and isn’t going to say you’re making it up, if you tell your husband? Is there a way that you could steal your husband into having a conversation with her, regarding his father’s future, rather than trying to tell him yourself?

BTW, my husband and I talked about whether he would want to know and he decided he didn’t, so that was made plain to staff before they had the opportunity to tell him.

rabbits for you

s1 for you too... I hope not, she's pretty distant and uninterested but I'd like to think she'd not do anything like that

How old is he? Is he a smoker! One that is going to give up? Just asking because ..

Relative had less than 10% lung capacity and was on home oxygen for a year and the drs told them they could keep them alive for 2 years whilst they waited for a double lung transplant. They did get their transplant and are still here over a decade later.

Usually after a lung function test they (in our experience) speak to a dr. If MIL hasn’t been able to speak to a dr then maybe someone needs to go with her and FIL to the next appointment and be there, it is very overwhelming for MIL to have to deal with this alone.

You do need to speak to DH and warn him what MIL said. Ideally she should have spoken to DH herself but is seems she isn’t able, you need to speak to him so he can offer MIL all the support he can give her if she has got the information correct.

What an awful time for everyone

My fil has COPD, lung capacity is currently 30% and declining rapidly. Like your mil mine does talk to me in confidence because she needs someone.

Dh understands that IF I relay some stuff to him it is in confidence and on the proviso that I expect him to play dumb and help out the situation. If you told your DH would he keep quiet, and not let he knows when he is told? If so, tell him

But please keep being there for your mil. There is no support whatsoever for spouses and relatives available and she must feel so lost at times.

I’m so sorry for all of you. It is a truely horrible illness

Another one here extremely surprised a nurse told your MIL alone a timeline for COPD. My dad was 24 hrs/day on oxygen and had to have home visits as he couldn't leave the house as the cylinder oxygen wasnt enough anymore. He was like that for 2 years.

If a nurse said that to your MIL it sounds like a very rough anecdotal statement and I wouldn't give it any merit if it didn't come from a Dr. Your in-laws will already know his time is limited and the next chest infection or too hot/cold to breathe day could be his last. I doubt a Dr would give you a timeline for COPD, I would still tell your dh what his mum has said to you.

My mum's twin brother, so my uncle, suffered from copd for many years. Towards the end he was given an estimate of how long he should expect to live, like your dfil about a year.

Mum had kept in touch 'casually' - Facebook, the odd call, rare visits over the years etc. If no one had told her he'd had an estimate of how long he had left she wouldn't have made more effort to visit and celebrate 'lasts' - birthday, Christmas etc. with him, thinking they may have had next year and the year after... Because she knew, they had a chance to do more together and she has fewer regrets than if they'd rarely spoken in that last year. You make more of an effort to fall out less, and more effort to make the last months better for you both.

Dm's dbro lasted about a couple of weeks longer than the year, so the doctor had been accurate. They had a chance to spend some quality time together so I would recommend telling your dh. This gives him a heads up about how long his df might have and a chance to choose what he wants to do with his relationship with his df.

Thank You OP x

From your description of the conversation with your MIL, I think she would like you to tell your DH. She is obviously aware she is not close to him, and thinks the sad information may be better coming from you.

Incidentally when my DF was terminally ill, the medics did not tell him his terminal diagnosis as he never asked. My DM and I were told about the situation because we did ask for timescales.

What a dilemma. I'm really sorry to hear that, and for those others who have relatives with similar diagnoses.

I would tell DH but I think since you can't be sure what the nurse actually said I would word it very much as 'MIL said' rather than presenting it as fact. It does sound a bit strange how/what she was told so I'd be posing it more as a concerned 'do you think MIL's got this right?' question so DH can find out the facts himself.

I don't think it's fair to you or DH for you to know something like that about his DF and not tell him though and I'm not sure anyone could say you were wrong for feeling that way.