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Original poster

Teenage Stepchild telling my 6 year old he doesn't belong.

40 replies

Spawn007 · 15/04/2019 14:17

I've married a man that has 2 teenage daughters 16, 14 and an older daughter of 19. My son is 6 and loves them all. For the most part our marriage is great until the step kids come over. I have tried for 2 years to make this work but it's like my husband can't support me on this. My little one gets in trouble a lot because of them. And he is punished by his stepfather for it. He is hard on him like he is supposed to know what his teenage kids know yet his teenage kids are treated like fragile babies. My son doesn't know that his dad isn't his biological father. His bio committed suicide when when my son was very little so he only know my current husband as his father. Kids fight I get that but this was different. I have felt for a while his kids are telling my son that he doesnt belong or words about suicide and death but yesterday I heard the 16 year old tell my son that their dad isn't his dad and not to tell me anything they said so when I asked him he confirmed what I heard. He looked down but kept playing. Like a silent hurt acceptance no small child should have to experience. When I spoke with my husband and he spoke with our son, he still didn't believe us. He spoke about their feelings and kids fight. This wasn't a fight this was abusive. I need my husband to understand this is wrong and this keeps happening. I'm not sure what todo. But my little boy is becoming sad and depressed.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 15/04/2019 14:23

honestly? leave. there is no way I would let anyone speak to my son like that and the 160yo should know better, quite frankly its disgusting behaviour and if your husband doesn't stamp it out straight away it will only get worse.

Him treating them different is total wrong too.

Honestly I think you and your son would be better off without the lot of them!

SpriggyTheHedgehog · 15/04/2019 14:26

It is wrong of you to pretend that he is your son's biological father when he isn't. You've set him up for a major fall there. I never understand why people can't be open about that from the start, in an age appropriate way. He should know the truth(about his parentage, not so much the manner of his death)

Their behaviour is completely inappropriate and an ultimatum needs to be made or I'd leave but you and your husband haven't helped the situation.

MrsBertBibby · 15/04/2019 14:26

Leave! Why on earth did you lie to your son about his paternity?

Bythebeach · 15/04/2019 14:29

Your son has a right to know your husband is not his father and I’m sure current recommendations in death/adoptions etc is age appropriate honesty. Your stepkids and DH do not sound kind either-perhaps you would be better off apart.

MullofKintire · 15/04/2019 14:30

Sorry that this has happened to your son and to you.

I think though that you need to sit down with your son yourself and tell him, in an age appropriate way, about his biological father.
It is inevitable that he will hear things from relatives and friends as he grows up and you and his stepfather need to get your message across first. You then need to reinforce this message at regular intervals.

Your DSS is old enough to know better. His behaviour is abusive and bullying and his father needs to address this with him. Was there a particular trigger for what he said?

PerfectPenquins · 15/04/2019 14:33

It was very wrong wrong of the step child to tell your son but what the hell was you thinking lying to your son about his father? You've set your son up for a world of emotional hurt and mistrust when the inevitable truth came out.

Original poster
Spawn007 · 15/04/2019 14:34

I can understand yall are upset about us not telling him who his bio is. This was recommended to us when we ran away. His biological father used to beat and abuse us. When my son was a baby he would push him under the wss ater to teach him not to scream. I ran away to a different country. Soon after he committed suicide. Its complex. It hurts. I just want todo the best for my son.

OP posts:
SpriggyTheHedgehog · 15/04/2019 14:36

I don't know who recommended it to you because they're wrong. I'm sorry that you suffered so much at his hands but lying to your child was only ever going to end in disaster.

PepsiLola · 15/04/2019 14:41

Ignore the fact you've lied about the child's father...

You need to leave this current situation now. Don't allow your son to go from one abusive father to another.

PepsiLola · 15/04/2019 14:42

I know you might not see your DH as abusive, but he's basically choosing his biological children before your son!

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 15/04/2019 14:45

Honestly it sounds like there is more going on BUT I’d still put my child first and insist that whoever said anything like that wasn’t to come in the house again. Your husband should support this too, if he doesn’t he too should leave!

16 is more than old enough to understand that actions have consequences

ems137 · 15/04/2019 14:49

What did you say to the 16y/o at the time? I would've flipped my lid there and then.

MySecondBestBroomstick · 15/04/2019 14:50

I'm sorry you've been through all that, but honestly I think most children get told they don't belong / are adopted etc at some point in their childhood by a sibling. It's a sibling rivalry thing. My (full) brother used to say it to me all the time. I'm afraid the secrecy has imbued this fairly normal (if unpleasant) behaviour with a whole new level of hurt.

I'm not saying the 16 year old shouldn't be told off but it wasn't reasonable to expect children to keep this secret forever. What else can you change to build your son's resilience and security? Be with him more? Give him more time away from step siblings? You need more arrows in your bow than just asking your DH to tell his kids not to do something. And in this country these days there is a very strong culture of letting children know about the bad things in their past as young as possible.

Palominoo · 15/04/2019 14:50

That’s a huge psychologically damaging thing for a young child to be told by a member of his family.

The advice you had to lie and tell the boy that the stepfather is his real father is nothing short of diabolical and I can only think you must have not had your wits about you at what must have been an awful time when you ran away.

However, you need to fix this as untimely it’s on your shoulders to protect your son.

The stepfather sounds extremely unpleasant and the daughter who is old enough to understand the implications of what she said is sly and not to be trusted alone with your son.

Personally I’d get out of the relationship and secure a safe home for you and your son then begin the task of helping get over that damage that has been done by misleading him about his stepfather.

SosigDog · 15/04/2019 14:55

Poor little guy. He’s getting punished for the shitty behaviour of the older kids and now they’re telling him he doesn’t belong. Leave. Now. Remove your poor child from this toxic environment and people who don’t have his best interests at heart.

Ellenborough · 15/04/2019 15:03

What your stepdaughtersaredoing is very cruel but you need to shoulder the blame for that, not them. If you’d handled this the right way from the beginning then they wouldn’t be able to hold this secret over you and torment your son with it.

I think they sound insecure and jealous of you and your son. That’s step children for you, the world over since time immemorial - can’t blame them for perfectly natural feelings. What you can do is manage how that affect your son. Start that by being honest with him, and supervise his time with them so they don’t get the opportunity to be spiteful when you are out of earshot.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/04/2019 15:09

What your stepdaughtersaredoing is very cruel but you need to shoulder the blame for that, not them. If you’d handled this the right way from the beginning then they wouldn’t be able to hold this secret over you and torment your son with it

she is not to blame for them using it against him at all.

Yes, it should have been handled differently, but if they weren't using this to upset him, by the sounds of it they'd just be saying something else nasty anyway!

Hoggytat · 15/04/2019 15:29

You say you've tried for 2 years to make this work. You know it's not working. Protect your son. He will not have emotional resilience at that young age but he will understand that he's being pushed out.

My DS was emotionally abused at a younger age than yours. It's taken me (and others) years to build up his self-esteem.

Let the school know what's happened so they can keep an eye on him. They may ask to get their school counsellor to talk to him. Another option is your GP if there's any concerning behaviour from your DS as he may need counselling from CAMHS too.

This is a rubbish situation for you both but you can help your son. Flowers

CatWhisker · 15/04/2019 15:31

It's called the Cinderella Effect. A higher incidence of mistreatment by step parents than bio parents
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

TheDizzyRascal · 15/04/2019 15:47

Oh my gosh I would have gone absolutely BAT SHIT CRAZY with the 16yo, that is appalling behaviour and they are old enough to know better. Your poor, poor little boy. I'm sorry to say that I think you should leave, put your son first and make him feel loved, your husband and the teens sound absolutely heartless. xxxxx

TacoLover · 15/04/2019 15:51

The stepchild sounds horrible. However this kind of terrible way of finding out was always going to happen in one way or another, as it can never be pleasant to hear that your father is not biologically your parent. You have set him up in this way for future pain by lying to him.

TacoLover · 15/04/2019 15:52

I'm sorry you've been through all that, but honestly I think most children get told they don't belong / are adopted etc at some point in their childhood by a sibling. It's a sibling rivalry thing. My (full) brother used to say it to me all the time. I'm afraid the secrecy has imbued this fairly normal (if unpleasant) behaviour with a whole new level of hurt.

This.

Original poster
Spawn007 · 15/04/2019 16:01

I was not allowed to address her.

OP posts:
Azitii · 15/04/2019 16:20

You have a "d'h issue not a dsd issue, your husband, punishes your child but won't let you even address his children Hmm. He treats them differently and is much harder on your son despite him being younger.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 15/04/2019 16:23

She sounds resentful for the fact her biological father is being referred to you’re son as dad and is telling him so, completely out of order however you should not have lied regardless of the abuse you did you’re son a disservice here. My dh is step father to my oldest ds he knows who his father is and always has.