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Original poster

Teenage Stepchild telling my 6 year old he doesn't belong.

40 replies

Spawn007 · 15/04/2019 14:17

I've married a man that has 2 teenage daughters 16, 14 and an older daughter of 19. My son is 6 and loves them all. For the most part our marriage is great until the step kids come over. I have tried for 2 years to make this work but it's like my husband can't support me on this. My little one gets in trouble a lot because of them. And he is punished by his stepfather for it. He is hard on him like he is supposed to know what his teenage kids know yet his teenage kids are treated like fragile babies. My son doesn't know that his dad isn't his biological father. His bio committed suicide when when my son was very little so he only know my current husband as his father. Kids fight I get that but this was different. I have felt for a while his kids are telling my son that he doesnt belong or words about suicide and death but yesterday I heard the 16 year old tell my son that their dad isn't his dad and not to tell me anything they said so when I asked him he confirmed what I heard. He looked down but kept playing. Like a silent hurt acceptance no small child should have to experience. When I spoke with my husband and he spoke with our son, he still didn't believe us. He spoke about their feelings and kids fight. This wasn't a fight this was abusive. I need my husband to understand this is wrong and this keeps happening. I'm not sure what todo. But my little boy is becoming sad and depressed.

OP posts:
MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 15/04/2019 16:44

I think they sound insecure and jealous of you and your son

I thought this too.

But I also think your DH is the main problem here. How much time does he spend with his DC? Does he feel guilt at no longer being with their mother or anything?

Original poster
Spawn007 · 15/04/2019 16:55

No one lied to him. For his safety and metal health things never got brought up. His council said to leave him for now to recover and grow into a stronger individual for as little as he is he's scared of water and death. My husband is all that he knows and to go now in such a fragile time while he is still recovering from so much trauma to tell him more damaging information is not the best interest of him and this was our council. I'm not trying to fight with the kids or my husband. This whole situation is so hard. The girls dont know any information about my son. They just know him as their brother. There's so much layers. I was hoping to get yalls perspective and advice for maybe someone has had this similar situation. I'm sorry for all the judgement and hate coming out. But I am here and opened us up to judgement and I will accept that. I never wanted to harm my son. I just wanted to give him a chance at happiness and life. Like any mother would do.

OP posts:
User987654433 · 15/04/2019 16:59

Hes 6 I can understand why you havent told him just yet. Blood relations are very difficult to explain to a small child. I told my daughter around your sons age.
I kept having to remind her every couple of months as she would forget what she was told. Kids only notice the people who are there. Its difficult for them to imagine otherwise, a person they dont remember ever seeing and have nothing to do with.
I started off by talking about all different types of famillies, I reffered to my ex as the father not "the dad" when explaining as her father had never been there and my husband took on the role of Dad. It took a couple of years for her to really realise I would bring it up every couple of months talking about different famillies in a relaxed way. She doesnt ever remember being told and it isnt a big deal in her life.

As far as everything else goes. Your partners treatment of your son is diabolical. You simply cannot allow him to treat your son like that, that goes for the stepchildren too.
I would leave if things dont change. Your son is more important.

Shockers · 15/04/2019 17:08

Not allowed to address her? Her behaviour was cruel, and your son was on the receiving end. You’d tear a strip off a complete stranger over something like that, so your husband has no business telling you you you can’t address her!

Your child only has one childhood; I think I’d be compelled to remove him from their collective influence.

NataliaOsipova · 15/04/2019 17:11

PlantPotParrot has it spot on, I’m afraid. Take your son away from that environment. Poor little boy. The 16 year old knows exactly what she’s doing....

EffYouSeeKaye · 15/04/2019 17:20

Fucking hell. Either re-draw the boundaries for your dh and step children right now and see that they are respected, or leave. This is not acceptable for your son.

As a separate issue, take advice on how to gently explain his parentage to him.

HotpotLawyer · 15/04/2019 17:21

Spawn, you sound very vulnerable, and you have clearly been through a lot.

Do you have anyone here who is on your side? Close friend or family?

It sounds very upsetting for your poor child having his step father treat him so harshly and so unfairly. Have you spoken to your husband about this?

AuntieCJ · 15/04/2019 17:32

Leave him and his vile children. Protect your son.

Beargrin · 15/04/2019 18:15

Op, my sister's dad was abusive and she didn't find out my dad wasn't her bio dad until she was older than your son. It's a bit different because she didn't have anyone to tell her as I'm younger than her. You've made your choice to not yet tell your son and you have your reasons.

You need to leave your husband though, kids come first. Good luck.

Singlenotsingle · 15/04/2019 18:19

Leave, leave, leave. You'd think the older girls would be kind to a little boy but obviously not. Your child comes first!

FrancisCrawford · 15/04/2019 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slipperywhensparticus · 15/04/2019 18:26

You weren't "allowed" to address her? I wouldn't have allowed anyone to stop me from a good dose of how dare you

Tell them what you and he have been through as you pack your bags and leave

nordicwannabe · 16/04/2019 09:06

I was not allowed to address her

So your DH punishes your son, but you are not even allowed to tell off his daughter when she is unkind to your son?

I know it's not easy, but you should think really carefully about whether you have swapped one abusive household for another.

Read about the shark cage to understand why you are missing/minimising the red flags which could warn you away from abusive situations. No-one is born with their personal boundaries ready built - we depend on loving caregivers to teach them to us in childhood, in order to keep us safe throughout our lives - and not everyone is so lucky. However with thought and work, you can rebuild your shark cage, even in adulthood.

Now I may be off the mark with this last bit, but when you say that your DH punishes your son do you mean physically? If so, you need to get yourself and your son out of that house. No "yes, but", you need to leave. The secrecy is a huge red flag on top of the unfairness, and your son could be in danger.

nordicwannabe · 16/04/2019 09:11

And the inappropriate expectations your DH has of your son (which result in punishment): this is the really big red flag, which makes me say your son might be in danger.

CatWhisker · 16/04/2019 11:14

And he is punished by his stepfather for it. He is hard on him like he is supposed to know what his teenage kids know yet his teenage kids are treated like fragile babies.
What sort of punishment?

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