Need to vent. Holiday and in laws related.

[Drogonssmile]

Not really expecting an answer here although some sympathy would be in appreciated! Away with the PIL abroad and in the second week. We leave on Thursday and I am so ready to go home. Some of the recent gems I have had to bite my tongue about:

MIL winding up DS2 aged 2.5 until he is screaming/frustrated and then wandering off and letting me deal with the fall out. She does it on purpose, looking for my reaction.

Both PiL inviting themselves along when DH expressly says we are going out as a foursome with the excuse that it's to give them some peace. We have had one meal out in the whole two weeks. Two if you count a rushed McDonald's because the kids were beside themselves with hunger after FIL marched us off on an impromptu 3 mile walk.

Spending sodding ages in the supermarket dissecting the cost/value/origin of every product and insisting we walk the 2 miles back even though we've already walked 2 miles there and have a 5 yo who is also expected to walk said distance. Tutting ensues when I order a taxi (and pay for it). They don't mind getting in the taxi though

There are many, many more and I am sure IABU about some but the combination of it all and DH being pretty spineless when it comes to standing up to them has really worn me down. He had quite a shit childhood with not much affection shown/ extremely selfish parents and I can really see why he is now he is after spending this time with them.

I try to stand up to them as much as possible but it's difficult if I don't want to cause a rift between me and DH. I just want calm. I can see he's biting his tongue too now though. Standing up to them cumulates in FIL sulking for 3 days or MIL screaming and shouting and then cats bum face forever after.

The countdown has begun to home time and I can safely say I won't be going away with them again.

Lesson learned, you won't agree to holidaying with them again. Just write it all down so you can remind Dh if he comes home excited to go again.

Quite @Troels, lesson learnt indeed. DH can go alone with them if he wants.

Why isn’t your DH sorting this? Just bigger off on your own if he refuses to manage his parents.

Get up early tomorrow and go out.

Both PiL inviting themselves along when DH expressly says we are going out as a foursome with the excuse that it's to give them some peace.

You need to say that you want some time on your own instead of trying to pin the blame on the in-laws for this one. Tonight, say you want to eat on your own and you'll probably need enjoy the space and time to yourselves! Or take the children out yourself and leave DH with them.

Sorry it hasn't worked out for you all though, even if you thought it wouldn't it is still a bit disappointing.

Sympathy given as requested. You obviously won't do that again, will you?

Oof. My blood pressure rose just reading that. Sympathy and OP. Hope Thursday comes quickly.

Thanks all. Putting my foot down now and have firmly said we are going out for lunch on our own tomorrow. DH knows I am annoyed with him too and we will be having a talk about it when more convenient. Thank you for the sympathy too 😊

Picture the scene. FIL comes in and says "Right so, We're all going on a 3.5 mile walk".
You reply "That's nice. Enjoy your walk as we're all staying here by the pool today. It's our holiday too and we're going to chill out for the last few days. Don't forget to take some nice pictures of where you've gone on your walk to show us".
If he continues to pull on the thread of you all going for a walk, repeat "I'm not sure if I was mumbling but we're staying here today. Enjoy your walk" and keep repeating.

Just because he says "Jump" you don't have to reply with "how high?".

Enjoy the last few days of the holiday and use this as a learning event that you'll never go on holiday with them again. I'd even go so far as to make sure that you've booked elsewhere for your own family holidays in the future so that they aren't on your holiday and you're not on theirs!

As for MiL winding up the 2.5yr old, just jump in before it escalates. "MiL, you know you're winding DC up so please stop it now!"
Call her out on it. Every. Single. Time. Don't let her away with anything. She's doing it because she can, so make it so that she can't. Take your child out of the situation and distract them.

Good luck!

Strange in laws you've got! Haven't they got lives of their own? When we go on holiday with my ads and his family, we usually leave them after breakfast to enjoy their day, then get together to eat in the evening. It works!

Doesn't sound fun. Have they paid for you? No way would I be hanging around supermarkets on holiday unless someone else paid for me, in which case I'd feel a little compelled to do what they wanted to do.

Thanks again everyone. No they haven't paid for us. We split the cost right down to the nearest pence. FIL made sure of that. We paid for us four and they paid for themselves. And to answer a pp, no they don't have lives of their own.

Driving me bloody insane. I'll be off for a long relaxing and early bath tonight and staying in my room afterwards. They can please themselves this evening; I'm likely to say something I'll regret otherwise. Fed up of feeling like the hired nanny. Here to see to the kids and have no opinion on anything. There will be serious words had with DH at the earliest opportunity.

Roll on Thursday but I hope you can enjoy your last few days

Thank you @DiaryofWimpyMumm me too!

Sending sympathy ! Get a nice glass of something and enjoy your bath!

Just grow a pair ( easier said than done for a lot of people I appreciate )
Mil winds up child - “ please stop you are winding her up, come on X let’s go, grandma is being too silly”
They announce they are coming out for lunch with you - “no, it’s just us 4 going “
Spending ages in the supermarket- “ I’m taking the kids off now they are getting bored”
Wanting to walk for miles “ ok, see you back at the villa”
And walk off EVERY single time
Your DH has been conditioned to be a door mat by these people since birth but you haven’t, come on OP stop pandering to them and put yourself and the DC first.
As long as you are firm but polite they have no reason to sulk or throw tantrums and if they do treat them with bemusement. “Sorry Mil, are you actually shouting at me because we went out for lunch without you?” And if FIL sulks at least he might not be speaking to you.

@Hoppinggreen completely agree and believe me I'd love to be able to come back with your suggestions! Unfortunately I'm about half way through a course of psychotherapy for low self esteem issues stemming from childhood so I have real difficulties determining what is reasonable and unreasonable behaviour both for me and others. I am getting better but it's still quite difficult for me to stand up for myself currently. Good situation to practice in though I have found!

It sounds like a typical trigeneration holiday unfortunately some in-laws are incapable of going off and doing their own thing for a while. I’d lesson learnt don’t bother next year

Im sorry drogons, I do know that not everyone finds it easy to be as “assertive” (stroppy) as me.
I hope you get through the next few days and remember NEVER to do it again!

Don't apologise @Hoppinggreen I annoy myself with my inability to assert myself and I'm glad at least I'm doing something to correct it

Lesson definitely learned. No more holidays with parents/in laws. I've already said to DH we are holidaying next year alone!! And in October when kids will be another 18 months older and hopefully more controllable!

I can see he's biting his tongue too now though

This is good. It means he has a problem with them too and will better understand your point of view. It's harder when the partner doesn't see anything wrong with their parents' behaviour.

When you've been back home a few days and decompressed from this "holiday" have a chat with your DH in a calm manner and reach a game-plan for the future. No more holidays with parents/in-laws, as you've said.

Tell him to read a book about toxic parents. He may be non-confrontational, but he does not need to just put up with this. There are strategies he can learn to create boundaries and to resist the guilt-tripping and manipulation.

We have all been there - thinking holidays with family will be a help/ another pair of hands with small dc - when in fact it makes it harder because you have even more people to please! Lesson learned - and you're not alone in learning this - did it once myself and never again too!

None of your examples are you being unreasonable. Please make sure you have a better day tomorrow and insist that you go for lunch with dh and the DC, no pil.

Remo be the DC from any situation with potential for wind up/being knackered. As you say, never again!

Thanks @zoellafort1tude @Tealfrog and @Cherrysoup all good points and I will get DH to read that book. I've seen it mentioned a lot on here. In fact he is looking into getting therapy himself once I've finished mine as he's seen the benefits I've had so far from it and he knows his parents have a lot to answer for in how they behaved when he was young (and still do now)

We've just come back from a lovely long lunch; just the four of us and it was very relaxed 😎 had a short chat with DH and he completely understands luckily and we'll have a little break from seeing the PIL for a bit once home to gain back our perspective!