Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My DD (8) stole something from a shop. Really upset.

46 replies

Kokeshi123 · 09/04/2019 14:51

I just discovered a small toy in the basket under the pram.

It is the toy that my DD (8) has been whining on about every time we have gone into a certain local shop. I just checked the receipt and no, it did not get put through the till without me noticing (though sneaking it into the basket would have been pretty bad too). The best case scenario is that she walked out with it in her hand, and then was too embarrassed to say anything and put it into the pram basket when I was not looking.

She is a nice well-adjusted girl who has her "moments" lately, but gets on well with other children and teachers, and understands rules and why we have them etc. She is very caring towards her baby sis. I don't understand why she has done this and why she thought she could get away with it...?

I just did a search of my local mums' group and the only cases of kids stealing that I can see, are of kids with long-term behavioral issues like ODD, ADHD and so on. A friend of mine has a son who struggles with some significant issues and he has stolen on and off. Now I am worrying that my daughter must have some kind of serious problems going on that are coming to the surface, or perhaps something I have not noticed up till now?

She is in bed right now (we are not in the UK) and I am wondering what to say about this tomorrow morning. I have a feeling I am going to go ballistic.

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 09/04/2019 14:53

I’ve accidentally left something in my trolley before and not paid. It’s whether it’s deliberate or not. Rather than shouting I’d talk to her about stealing and about how wrong it is and the consequences. And see if she opens up.

CharlotteFlax · 09/04/2019 14:57

I stole some chewing gum from the supermarket when I was a similar age. Mum told me it was wrong to do it and we would take it back. And we did.

I won't lie and say I didn't shoplift a body shop pencil sharpener at a later date when I was in my teens and going through a phase but essentially I've turned out to be an ok person.

EssentialHummus · 09/04/2019 14:57

Talk to her - you found this thing in the trolley yesterday, you’re pretty sure it wasn’t there before you went to the shop, can she explain how it got there? If theft I’d be getting her to give it back to the shop in person.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
CharlotteFlax · 09/04/2019 14:58

And so will your daughter, is what I meant to put at the end there.

buzzbobbly · 09/04/2019 14:59

She's 8 and probably didn't think more than about 2 seconds ahead of doing it. I mean, she left it in the pram. Hardly a master fence, is she.

Yes stealing is wrong, but I doubt is the imminent start of a decline into life behind bars. You can teach her that without any "ballistics".

beenandgoneandbackagain · 09/04/2019 15:01

If she stole it I would take her back to the shop with the item and explain to the shopkeeper what had happened and that you would like her to pay for the item.

She will cringe, cry, be utterly embarrassed and hate you for an hour or two, but never do it again.

JuniorAsparagus · 09/04/2019 15:03

When DS did this I marched him to customer services at Tesco and explained what had happened. The staff member told him it was very serious and that had he been 10 they might have had to tell the Police, but as it was he could return the item and they would forget about it.
It did the trick. He wouldn't go in there for ages and as far as I know it ended there.

CottonSock · 09/04/2019 15:04

Mine did this but I think she was 4. I told her we were taking it back but never did quite get around to it. The threat seemed enough though..if it was a higher value item we would have. It was plastic tat!

Cottonwood · 09/04/2019 15:04

I'm 53 and stole something at her age, omg I was in loads of trouble but I just didn't think it through at that age. I went on to have a happy, normal life.

Original poster
Kokeshi123 · 09/04/2019 15:04

No trolley--it was not a supermarket. The pram was left outside the shop while we were shopping, so it can't have got in there accidentally.... Yes, pretty silly of her to have left it in the pram! Then again, regardless of how she managed it, I would have noticed the presence of the toy sooner or later, as she has whined on about that toy often enough that I am very familiar with what it looks like, argh.

I have heard that it is best to make kids return it to the shop in person, but we are in another country where there is a lot of concern about foreigners being "criminals" etc., and I am worrying about the shop flagging us in some way in the future :( Not sure what to do. She certainly can't keep it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kokeshi123 · 09/04/2019 15:06

Thank you to those who have shared stories of "regular" kids who stole something as a one-off, without it being the sign of deeper issues. I am hoping that if I am dead serious about this, it will not happen again.

My poor friend's son has some bad stealing issues (stealing from shops and from his mum etc., on an ongoing basis), and I guess this has made me very paranoid about this issue. My friend is a very honest person so it is horribly distressing for her.

OP posts:
Danesmommy1 · 09/04/2019 15:09

It needs to be returned to the shop whether it was an accident or not. It'll be a good lesson either way.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2019 15:09

If you are worried about repurcussions I'd tell her you have to post it to head office for them to investigate.

Make her write a letter of apology and say you'll post it later. Could you go into the shop without her and sneak it on to a shelf? Or donate it to a charity shop or bin it.

You screaming and shouting at her won't help you get to the bottom of this

Original poster
Kokeshi123 · 09/04/2019 15:12

Hmm, that's not a bad idea ("sending" it with a letter, and then slipping it back on the shelf) . I might just do that with her, so that the message sinks in.

OP posts:
fecketyfeck21 · 09/04/2019 15:14

i wouldn't sneak it back what if you got caught ? make it known to her it went to a charity shop so at least something good might come out of.

missyB1 · 09/04/2019 15:14

Just address the issue with her. Get the truth and then talk about how serious the consequences of stealing can be - for all concerned. Lay it on thick!
And yes tell her you are posting it back and she needs to write an apology to go with the parcel.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2019 15:16

Do reply thoughOP so she isn't waiting for months and months for a letter to say she has to go to jail. Just a simple letter saying they accept her aplogy and that the punishment you decide is adequate and this is the end of it providing it never happens again

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 15:21

My daughter stole at slightly younger than this. About six or seven. A book. She smuggled it out of school in her pinafore

We were mortified and reallyquite shocked, so we sat her down and had a long chat with her, and we returned it to the school, apologised and were honest about it. We told her we were doing so.

I am confident to say she's never stolen since, and yup, she worked out to be very academic. 🤣

I wouldn't worry or be upset, but I would sit her down, and talk to her. It's important you do it in such a way she tells you honestly what she did, and you can explain to her why it's wrong, and that you're returning it to the shop. I don't think you need to humiliate her by making her do it.

listsandbudgets · 09/04/2019 15:21

It does not mean shes about to slip into a life of perpetual crime.

She's testing boundaries, possibly a bit jealous if she feels her baby sister is getting more attention and trying to get something she wants by any means. Take it back, explain she didn't pay and ask to pay for it now. Explain to her though that at least 50% of the cost comes out of her pocket /birthday money and that she has to come with you when you go to shop and apologise.

Chances are the shop owners will have DC of their own and will understand that children aren't always perfect. They are unlikely to criminalise your dd for this especially if she's come back, paid and apologised

listsandbudgets · 09/04/2019 15:22

PS I stole a pack of chewing gum when I was about the same age but felt so bad about it, that I took it back to the supermarkets the following week! If she left it in the pram, she may have been planning to try to slip it back

Starface · 09/04/2019 15:26

So she really wants it, and, overwhelmed by her desire, took it without paying. It's not unusual to be unable to inhibit very powerful feelings at that age. So in a sense understandable. But clearly wrong. Don't come down like a ton of bricks, talk it through with her, then take it back with her. This exact set of feelings - envy/desire the need to regulate this in order not to perform a socially and morally unacceptable act - will present itself over again throughout life. Talk it through and help her to see how you can make a mistake, own up to that without being overwhelmed by shame and guilt (so don't comedown on her so hard she will be frozen by this, she will do it to herself when she is faced with it), and make it right. It's a great teachable moment.

HedgerowTree · 09/04/2019 15:30

Don’t try and sneak it back yourself as you’ll get done for shop lifting yourself!

Cordillera · 09/04/2019 15:38

My DD also did this, when she was 8.
After a search on here for tips, I talked to her calmly and said I understood she must have wanted it a lot to do that and that I also knew she knew it was wrong. Then went to the place and returned it. As PP said, she hated that experience and cried after but has never done it again (yet...).

I praised her for doing the right thing and reminded her that I am on her side and when she makes a wrong decision I am here to help put things right. (I did feel that urge to go ballistic at first, as you say, but squashed it and am v glad I went with others' suggestions that making her return it was a far better consequence).

NotSoThinLizzy · 09/04/2019 15:41

I did this around this age for a can of coke of all things 🙄 was caught banned from the shop and grounded for 3 weeks and made to feel like shit. I did steal again once, teen years being egged on by "friends"

Mrsjayy · 09/04/2019 15:47

Don't go ballistic and stop goggiling behavioural problems deep breaths sometimes they just get attracted to shiny things and either forget they have it or genuinely pinch it. Talk to her say Dd did you forget you had this i fpund it and we have to take it back to the shop and do that,

Swipe left for the next trending thread