Teens - Suitable Punishment as I'm (irrationally?)Fuming

[RockinHippy]

I suppose this is quite personal & so I might be over reacting but I am beyond raging right now & have just lost it & swore at my teen DD for the first time. Not something I'm proud of but I've had it up to my eyeballs with the disrespect from her lately & this has stung.

My trade is in design & pattern cutting, though mostly retired due to my own ill health/disability & DDs health problems etc. In the past I was a bit of a high flyer though in that I've dressed everyone from royalty, to rock royalty have a full set up of machines at home etc etc. So not quite "homemade"

I designed & made DD a top. Tricky pattern & tricky fabric. She loved it, but it was left unworn as she's since gone through a long phase of not wanting the attention wearing tighter fitting more showy clothing gets her. Fair enough. So we decided to sell the top as a brand new 1 of a kind bespoke made etc & use the money towards something else. She insisted on listing it herself & has 2 people interesting waiting on money. I also have a buyer for it as a back up.

She went out last night to a party, friends here getting dressed & staying over

I was flicking through Instagram, only to realise that in the video she posted of her very drunk friend dropping food & drink down herself- friend is wearing & trashing said top 🤬🤬

DD clearly sees nothing wrong in what she did😡

Suitable punishment? I've grounded her for 2 days which she says she's ignoring & she pays for it. Told her she doesn't lend clothes we buy (or make) out ever again & that she gets everything back now & right now I want to tell her she can buy her own soddin prom dress as I don't feel like ever sewing for her again right now & not spending money on the ungrateful witch, especially after "urgh, do I have to have home made 😠 comments a few weeks ago. I also want to tell her she can forget her new bigger bedroom we are renovating.

I know I'm over angry, but she's absolutely no appreciation for how hard making things is for me these days, due to medical conditions that render me disabled, yet she has the same condition, so definitely knows what it's like

I've also just gone into our spare room where they slept last night to find bedding all over the floor, no attempt to make a bed & takeaway food just dumped, including curry sauce on a silver brocade cushion that will probably never come out. There's a no food rule in that room 😣

How would you handle this 😐

(Pls exuse typos etc. Broken iPad & eyes poor on phone🙄) TIA

I agree with you on the borrowing of clothes as I don’t like it. It happened to us once when my daughter let her fat friend borrow a top and she stretched it and ruined it.

My daughter didn’t lend her clothes again.

In this instance it’s nore personal because you made it and Inunderstand that as I see and your creations hold personal value.

What would piss me off though is the friend not treating the garment, any garment with respect. Whether it be bespoke or from Primark, the top should not have food or drink carelessly spilt on it.

Lesson learned as your daughter will now not get the money to buy another top.

I wouldn’t withhold on the prom dress as that’s continuing the row unnecessarily.

Get the top cleaned and sell at a lower price and keep the money for yourself.

See means sew

Hmm. Isn't it hers? Who was going to get the money from the sale? I totally understand why you're upset and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be in your situation, but it's surely her property and if she wants to let it get trashed and so lose out on the money she could have for it that's her fault and natural consequence, surely?

I also think you shouldn't make her clothes if the implicit deal is that she keeps them pristine

I can see why you are cross but to be fair it IS her top, even though it sounds like she/the friend don’t appreciate such a lovely thing.
I would be very annoyed at the mess in the spare room though and breaking the no food rule so there would be a punishment for that.
I would probably still make the prom dress ( unless she was being ungrateful) as it’s a thing I would love to do - I can barely sew a button on. However, if it’s physically too much for you dont

So she knew it was listed as new? Wow, wifi off until her room is tidy first off.
Tell her either her /her friend need to pay for the top - you can replace the cushion and buy with the rest .
And don't make her prom dress until she earns your time and respect back.
Shop bought are still made by someone!!

Major over reaction
My friends and I would borrow clothes all the time

You are grounding her ( which assuming her friend who was drunk is old enough to be drunk) sounds bonkers as she is too old to be told what to do.
Also no longer renovating her bedroom and refusing to make her a prom dress? Blimey.

What you going to do when she really does something bad?

The food and messed up spare room needs sorting but that aside....

Just to clarify. Top isn't hers as she didn't want it. It is listed for sale as brand new bespoke etc. Which it now obviously isn't, even if she thinks otherwise😏. It also stinks of smoke

Really, don't threaten things unless you are going to see them through. She'll never take you seriously

Oh & they are 15/16. So not impressed by drinking & smoking, but I'm a realist to a degree & it's holidays

Who was going to get the money? If it was dd then it's her loss and lesson learned, if it was you then cut her allowance until she has paid you back. I don't see the strife tbh, it was her top and her choice to lend it out so wouldn't have punished at all for that. Would have been raging about smoking and drinking though as to me that is far more serious..

But it is her top. You made it for her. So if she lends it out that's her choice. She now needs to cancel the listing and accept it can't be sold as new.
I'd be refusing more sleepovers though and go a bit more mad over the smoking and the drinking than over the top.

Just to clarify. Top isn't hers as she didn't want it. It is listed for sale as brand new bespoke etc.

But surely it is still hers and she is selling it? Otherwise you've given her a gift and then taken it back off her which doesn't seem fair.

I think you want her to want your bespoke clothes more than she does - and I completely understand why you're finding it hurtful but you can't give people things and then get cross that they don't want them as much as you want them to want them. When I was her age I had a similar thing where my mum kept buying me expensive clothes from boutiques but I didn't want those (and I certainly didn't ask for them), I wanted the same £20 Topshop top as all my friends had. I didn't want to stand out. If your daughter has said she doesn't want a bespoke prom dress then don't make her one and then expect her to be really grateful for your effort - give the fabric budget as her total budget and tell her to find her own dress. She'll probably pick something polyester and cheap looking from a high street shop and you won't ever understand why she wanted that rather than something beautiful and unique (and nor will she, looking back as an adult) - but you're not wearing it, she is.

Well, her punishment is that she can't sell the top as brand new any more so she loses the money she'd have got for it. Don't think any more punishment is required for that offence.

Personally though if she's going out getting drunk and smoking at 15 then I'd be grounding her good and proper for that.

So DD loves the top you made. But didn't want to wear that type of clothing due to attention it brought her. So she loved it but won't wear it.
Making clothes from scratch is hard work: you said it was a tricky pattern & tricky fabric.
I totally understand you being so upset.
You've spent time creating something unique and lovely (your DD loves it) and now it's trashed by a friend spilling drink and food down it. When it was going to be sold in 'pristine' condition.
I'd have been pissed off too. Total lack of thought and consideration by your DD & her friend.
I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes (I have boys) but I think I'd sit her down and try to calmly explain why you are upset. Hope that she can find some empathy. And then put it down to experience.

Question why would you look at 15/16 year olds Instagram normally a mum wouldn't be following their teen on insta at that age they need a bit of privacy and if you allow sleepovers of course they are going to share clothes. I don't let mine have sleepovers but they do get ready in each others houses and teens share clothes.
I would get her to clean the room and take her phone until its done and talk to her about the drinking.

Apologies I'm struggling to keep up with small phone screen, but thank you for the replies.

For clarity... she gave the top back to me to sell, but listed it herself first as she thought she had potential customers for it. Money from sale was to be mine, but I would have used it towards something new for her that she did want.

She was involved with the design of the top & definitely liked/wanted it, but too many arsehole men who think harassing young girls in the street is acceptable too much of wring sort of attention has put her off clothes that show off her figure.

I don't expect her to keep anything I make or buy in pristine condition IF she wants & is wearing it. Otherwise I do expect it kept in a saleable condition & so if something is already listed for sale as new then I do expect it not to be worn by her fiends

I haven't said I'm not making her prom dress or letting her have the new bigger room that was to be a work studio for me but I have said that she'd better look hard at her actions & attitude because I'm considering it as she's upset me that much

I don't threaten & not follow through, never have & she knows that

Drinking & smoking at parties- yep, not great, but both me & her dad were far worse at a younger age than she is & our parents had no clue. We prefer to keep an open dialogue & be slightly liberal as we are realists & know it's what teens are going to do whether we say so or not & much prefer that her or her friends can call us for help if needed than sticking our heads in the sand & pretending it doesn't happen.

Can't switch internet off rn as she needs it for revision, but will be later.

She will now be paying for the top

Loaning-out clothes is something we are fed up of as she's forever losing stuff & has no clue who has it. Again lack of respect for what we buy her

Hope I've covered everything

Agree with PPs that you have odd parenting boundaries. This seems to be tied up with your ego, so that’s why so many of us think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Personally I would be more upset with the drinking and smoking, at that age she should not be doing neither. What time did she roll in?

Money from sale was to be mine, but I would have used it towards something new for her that she did want.

Well, now she can't have that thing, so there's the consequence.

Eat a pie, have a brew and calm the heck down.

Question why would you look at 15/16 year olds Instagram normally a mum wouldn't be following their teen on insta at that age

Seriously . They are still minors, free range of social media comes at a price & that price is parents follow them or they don't get it. She can do what she likes when she's 18, but until then we keep an eye, especially given what teens get up to around here. It's the responsible parent thing to do, I'm gobsmacked that anyone would think otherwise

Eat a pie, have a brew and calm the heck down.

Thanks Skint, good old northern advice that made me giggle😂. I went for cake instead though

Calming down, but it isn't helping that I'm now discovering that she still hasn't got a special necklace back she was given for Xmas. Her favourite & not cheap, yet still she lent it out & doesn't have it back yet. Plus much more out on loan than we realised. Starting to feel like we are dressing her mates too & she's a soft touch🙄 I've insisted that she messages everyone & gets it all back

She still doesn't get what she's done wrong & announced to her friends that she's grounded for a few days as I'm being a bitch about her loaning her stuff out 🤬

Leaving it at the grounding & keeping the money I took off her for the top for myself. I'm rubbish at spending on myself & always give her priority & realising that's done us no favours as she just doesn't appreciate it 😭

It was her top. Hers to sell. Hers to lend to a friend.

Why would there be any punishment? (I think punishment is an odd word to use anyway).

It wasn't Strat, RTFT. It was already agreed to give back & was actually listed for sale