Teens - Suitable Punishment as I'm (irrationally?)Fuming

[RockinHippy]

I suppose this is quite personal & so I might be over reacting but I am beyond raging right now & have just lost it & swore at my teen DD for the first time. Not something I'm proud of but I've had it up to my eyeballs with the disrespect from her lately & this has stung.

My trade is in design & pattern cutting, though mostly retired due to my own ill health/disability & DDs health problems etc. In the past I was a bit of a high flyer though in that I've dressed everyone from royalty, to rock royalty have a full set up of machines at home etc etc. So not quite "homemade"

I designed & made DD a top. Tricky pattern & tricky fabric. She loved it, but it was left unworn as she's since gone through a long phase of not wanting the attention wearing tighter fitting more showy clothing gets her. Fair enough. So we decided to sell the top as a brand new 1 of a kind bespoke made etc & use the money towards something else. She insisted on listing it herself & has 2 people interesting waiting on money. I also have a buyer for it as a back up.

She went out last night to a party, friends here getting dressed & staying over

I was flicking through Instagram, only to realise that in the video she posted of her very drunk friend dropping food & drink down herself- friend is wearing & trashing said top 🤬🤬

DD clearly sees nothing wrong in what she did😡

Suitable punishment? I've grounded her for 2 days which she says she's ignoring & she pays for it. Told her she doesn't lend clothes we buy (or make) out ever again & that she gets everything back now & right now I want to tell her she can buy her own soddin prom dress as I don't feel like ever sewing for her again right now & not spending money on the ungrateful witch, especially after "urgh, do I have to have home made 😠 comments a few weeks ago. I also want to tell her she can forget her new bigger bedroom we are renovating.

I know I'm over angry, but she's absolutely no appreciation for how hard making things is for me these days, due to medical conditions that render me disabled, yet she has the same condition, so definitely knows what it's like

I've also just gone into our spare room where they slept last night to find bedding all over the floor, no attempt to make a bed & takeaway food just dumped, including curry sauce on a silver brocade cushion that will probably never come out. There's a no food rule in that room 😣

How would you handle this 😐

(Pls exuse typos etc. Broken iPad & eyes poor on phone🙄) TIA

I understand OP.

I think given that she doesn't respect anything that is bought for her I would stop buying her things. Why not let her do chores around the house to earn the money and then she buys her own clothes? Maybe she will appreciate them a bit more.

She gets what she needs and no more until she appreciates what she has.

t wasn't Strat, RTFT. It was already agreed to give back & was actually listed for sale

That is what you don't seem to get?

It was her top. You made it for her. You don't take stuff back that you give to people.

It wasn't sold it was only listed- instead of selling it she let a friend wear it.

Her top, her choice.

Strat she gave the top back to be sold, rather than go to waste, her words. Seems it's you that's not getting it 🤷🏽‍♀️

Thanks LittleChristmas

That's exactly it, the lack of respect for what we buy & do for her. I'm definitely cutting right back, which I'm sure will make DH happy, but makes me feel very sad tbh.

Unfortunately her health problems mean chores aren't really practical, not if we want her well enough for school at least

I'd be so pissed off at lending things to others. The necklace would have me in a mega grump. I think she's being too people pleasing and not realising that friends are being cheeky fuckers. There is a balance to be had. I think she needs to realise that there is a financial consequence for the top being ruined for sale. She or the friend need to pay for dry cleaning or pay you back for cost of materials. I would keep stumn on the prom dress. Leave it until she comes asking.

Obviously your DD is having some sort of social crisis here, chucking her things around like confetti, drinking and smoking, refusing to wear things that make her stand out. She seems scarily desperate to be liked and is giving in to peer pressure left right and centre.

I obviously don't know your dd OP (so please feel free to tell me to stop poking my nose in) but if she is ok to go out partying, drinking and smoking I wager that she could do something around the house?

Even the smallest chore that you pay her over the odds to do but that she has to do regularly might help her realise.

Thanks TheEnd, got to admit I'm seeing some of that myself now. Though DD isn't smoking, the friend is & she's sensible with her drinking too as we've instilled that in her rather than ban it & have her ignore us as is more normal around here & we've seen some awful consequences with friends older DCs

DDs health problems are something she struggles with & has caused her friendship problems in the past, we thought she was coping better, but not so sure now. Still waiting on/fighting for counselling for her unfortunately as CAHMS have been worse than useless

Little your right this week as it's holidays, but generally it's too much fir her as she really struggles with a full week at school with nothing bar one weekend eve or afternoon out with her friends. It's a very tricky balancing act unfortunately & not helped as she kicks against it at times & makes herself ill

I would be more concerned by the smoking and drinking rather than the top.

The Mare has tried stirring it & text her dad with how unfair I've been, listing off 4 days grounding I'd threatened her with if she didn't stop her mouthiness & laying it on with a trowel for his sympathy.

Which has backfired big time as he's a tight arsed git & wouldn't buy her anything if left to him 😂 she's in trouble for trying to play us off against each other now too 😡

All teen girls swap their clothes and YABU to try to ban it. She's unlikely to appreciate her beautifully made bespoke clothing until she's much older, I know I didn't. Whilst elegant ladies paid £££s for my mother's talented tailoring, I couldn't get to Biba quick enough. Pah to home made. Try not to take it personally, she'll thank you one day.

It is really difficult to let go of things even when you have given them to somebody else as a gift (clothes, jewellery etc). Unfortunately your daughter is just not putting the same worth on stuff, perhaps to her the value is in lending to friends? If she cares enough about her possessions she will stop lending them out. You probably have fantastic taste and like buying for her and that's why her friends want to borrow from her. However, it's unrealistic to expect them all to look after each others' things properly.

You need to step back and not be so invested in her clothes etc because you are just going to get stressed over damage and losses. If she REALLY wants you to, and you want to, then make her prom dress but do it with good grace and not a threat to hold over her.

For the rest of her clothes agree an allowance and let her buy what she wants. If it gets lost or trashed she is the only one who has lost out. Decide what she will do to earn her allowance - if she's able to go out partying she's able to do simple chores, even if it is just looking after her own room and laundry. Any drink and smokes should also come out of her allowance.

She should also clear up the spare room. If she can't enforce 'no food' rules with her friends then you take that pressure away from her by saying no more sleepovers. Explain it that way to her. You and your DH are wanting to be seen as liberal and understanding parents but you can still have rules your daughter and her visitors must keep to. There's a bit of a mixed message I think - alcohol and cigarettes are OK but don't bring curry into my house!?

Sorry for the lecture. You have made beautiful things which your daughter may not quite value as you do. When she is older she may come to treasure your talents again but for now don't put pressure on both of you where you don't have to.

I wouldn't give a shit about the top as it is hers to do as she wishes BUT how are you skating over 15/16 yos SMOKING???

I started at that age and am still trying to fully kick it at 23 yo! It's awful and disgusting.

She would have no phone for 2 weeks due to the smoking, but the punishment for the top is not being able to have the money from selling it.

I can't understand how its not her top and how you thought you were going to keep the money for it?? You made it for her - its hers! She's chosen to lend it to a friend and its trashed so she misses out on the money she would have got from selling her top. You will no doubt think twice about making her stuff in the future. That's the consequence.

Can't see any issue with her lending out her clothes tbh.

Can't believe you are not dealing with her smoking and drinking at 15! That's the big issue here!

You have crazy boundaries!

Oh and let her choose her own, off the shelf, Prom dress. At this age, they just want to wear the same as everyone else. They don't want something different, made by Mum, however amazing it is.

I'd be more mad about the state of the spare room. That's indicative of 'fuck you, mum, you clean it'.

I'd focus on what that's all about.

Thanks again everyone, just to cover/reviver a few points

She ISNT SMOKING. Her friend is. DD hates it

I'm more surprised by the number of people surprised at 15/16 year olds drinking tbh. DH & I both started much younger as did everyone we know. That was a very long time ago too. To me that is incredibly naive as most of them do it & then come to parents like us when they get into trouble/over do it as they're too scared to call there own parents but need help. I'd much rather teach DD to be sensible & know we're their to help if needed. Which has happened a few times with her friends

I should have said earlier, DD DEFINITELY doesn't want to look like everyone else, she really hates what she calls the "basic sheeple dress code" & really doesn't understand why that crowd all mimic each other's style.

She's more Indie in her dress sense & tbh she's going to have a bloody hard time even finding an off the peg dress in the colour she wants, let alone one that will fit her as she's a slightly top heavy hour glass with a tiny waist. So I expect she'll pull her stubborn assed head in at some point & ask me to make it.

She's cleaned the spare room without my insisting & DH has told her off for trying to shit stir too, so she's realising she's gone too far 🤞🏻

Drink that young is not the norm for the majority of teenagers there is research which shows it does more liver damage at this age because it is still developing and drinking at a young age is more likely to lead to problem drinking.I would not want a teenager with mental health problems drinking.

They don't drink all the time or even often. It's the occasional party type thing. I know the risks, but I'd rather it was out in the open so I can keep tabs on it, especially as I've seen the naive "my DD would never" go very horribly wrong

& maybe it's a city thing though I grew up in the arse end of nowhere & everyone was drinking at 14 onwards, some earlier but around here teens are drinking & know where they can buy it from too

I've a 15 yo and an 18yo and I can say drinking and smoking isn't the norm at that age. Things have changed since we were that age. When I was 16yo it was legal to buy cigarettes (and I used to buy my grandad's from about 8yo) and over 18 nightclubs were full of 16/17yo and 18yos wouldn't be seen dead in them (they'd go to the over 21 club).
Now nightclubs are hard to get into without ID even if you're 40yo, and alcohol/cigarettes require ID if you look under 25yo. I'm not saying it's impossible to get hold of either, but it's far more difficult.

Among my 18yos group there's at least a couple who don't really drink at all, and none smoke. My 15yos crowd's view on smoking is along the lines of "well if you're stupid enough..." It really isn't the norm, very much the exception.

That's what would bother me, nothing to do with the top.

I'd also say that my dm made beautiful clothes. I loved the styles, but really once I'd hit about 12yo I did feel embarrassed about wearing "mummy made" clothes. Never told dm though, just tended not to wear the stuff she made unless I knew no one from school could see. I didn't want to upset her. I suspect your dd may be in the same position.

I don't even buy my dc pop!!

Right I am on the same page as you with the drinking and so far it's working amazingly.

The spare room, shed of been told to get tidied asap.

The top, well she's shot herself in the foot as she's now not getting the money from the sale spent on her. So honestly I'd just think whatever it's her loss. But can appreciate seeing someone drunk spilling stuff on it and smoking round it when your hard work and effort went into it would be infuriating.

I wouldn't make her prom dress either just buy one. No point putting so much effort in when it's a struggle for you and it's not appreciated.

The loaning of things drives me a bit mental but I bite my tongue because it's what they do at that age. My dd left an expensive ring she got for Xmas at a friend's and it was then lost when the friend wore it. I just said to her well it's her own fault for not looking after her things and allowing people to borrow it, it's a lesson for her to learn.