Teen DDs older male mates

[Wallywobbles]

DD1 (14) has a boyfriend of some long standing in her year at school. He's pretty respectful etc and she's in control of progress. All ok so far. She says she's doesn't think he's Mr Right more Mr Rightnow.

She went skiing with a large group, 40 or so, kids some up to 18. One is at uni in the town she goes to school in and she's spent a couple of afternoons with him in halls. Nothing going on. Boyfriend possibly not thrilled. I know DH isn't probably thrilled about this, but he's not her DF. And I don't think he'd allow his DD who is 13 to do similar, anytime soon.

At home we wouldn't be ok with boys in the girls bedrooms (3 teen DDs). Any boys really. I've also said no to her hanging out at his house without parents there as I'm not confident it'd end well.

I'm just curious how other parents handle mixed sex friendships, out of sight/home, with younger girls / older boys. Am I being too controlling? It just seems a minefield as we really need to get it right. DH is pretty black and white on these issues and had an older Dad who was very strict who he worshipped.

Thanks for any wisdom.

I don't think an 18 yr old boy is interested in a 14 yr old girl for her sparkling conversation. Very dubious and I certainly would discourage this.

I think it really depends on the individuals in question. I had older friends (some Male shock horror) at that age, so did many of my friends. Nothing ever happen with older boys to my knowledge. I’m not sure why it would quite frankly. It’s not like girls who are old enough to consent aren’t available so why risk it?

She does know my thinking on under age sex. She is fairly well versed in the legalities of it. She wants to be a lawyer specializing in children's rights etc. She's fairly mature and a staunch feminist.

There's older boys and there's older boys 🤔 Very odd that an 18 yr old man(?) would want to hang out with a 14 yr old girl anyway. Not so bad when they're the same age but I wouldn't be happy with this.

I had sex at 15 with an 18 year old.

He became very controlling and generally nasty. What a waste. But, my mum did the no boys overnight or in my bedroom, door always open during the day, always checked up. We had sex anyway. If she wants to do it she is going to (unless you have her joined to your hip)

We learn from our mistakes. I have a younger sister and I worry more now about the pressure of drug use than I do sex. You see so many teen girls dying from drugs on holidays and at festivals that they've picked up from anyone not knowing what it actually is.

Have the safe sex talk, and that she can say no to anything and everything

I would find it a bit strange if my DS at Uni was wanting to entertain a 14 year old girl at Halls (or anywhere else for that matter). What did she tell you they were doing?

Be a parent FFS.

An 18yr old showing an interest in a 14yr old strikes me as odd.
I'd keep a very close eye on that.

You would be mad to allow this. Come on - step up and do the right thing.

She does know my thinking on under age sex. She is fairly well versed in the legalities of it. She wants to be a lawyer specializing in children's rights etc. She's fairly mature and a staunch feminist.

She's also 14. I'd get all the above if she was 16 +

So she can't have boys in her room at home, or go to a boy's room at his parent's house. But she can hang out in a boy's bedroom if he's in student halls? That seems illogical to me.

An 18 year old wanting to spend time with a 14 year old girl seems pretty dubious to me. I would absolutely want to protect my daughter from this, she's still very much a child.

In all honesty 18 year old guys do not want a 14 year old hanging around because their friends. They want one thing. When I was 16/17 I hung out with guys who were a couple of years older and one in particular didn't want me around for friendship and he regularly tried it on. Thinking back I probably shouldn't have put myself in the position of being alone with him. But luckily he took no for an answer. Not every guy will take no for an answer. I'd put my foot down and she wouldn't be spending time in halls with any guys if I'm honest. I think you should be more cautious, whilst your daughter is trustworthy, not everyone is.

Was the ski trip a school one? How did that big of an age range go?

She sounds precocious and in my experience young teenagers who mistakenly think they are mature often put themselves in risky situations or are able to get out of them because they really are still very immature.

To be clear, you wouldn't let her spend time in a house with a boy on their own but it's ok for her to go to a halls of residence with a boy on her own?

Ffs when I was 14 I had an 18 year old 'friend' that I hung out with and we were having sex... I look back now and think WTF and also about how naive my parents were about it. I would not allow my 14 year old to spend time in an 18 year old's uni accommodation!! I was a mature 14 year old too (or so I thought) but I was still 14 and a child.

At 14 I had an 17/18 year old boyfriend who I was having sex with ... despite parental controls on no sleepovers , door open etc , where there is a will there is a way .

Despite the legality it was fully consensual at the time however although not something I regret personally I wish I hadn't got involved as it was a messy and dramatic relationship which went on for about 2 years .

I would make sure you've got really open comms with her and she feels comfortable talking to you . As any hard action you take could push her away .

I also did have actual friends who were older ... but at 14/15 I was also sneaking into nightclubs and all sorts which allowed these friendships to blossom 🤣🤦🏽‍♀️

I think you’re insane to allow this and at best very naive. Sorry.

She is a staunch feminist

Am I missing something here?? What does that have to do with her friendship with this guy? How would this stop her from having underage sex which isn't really the problem here.
I'd be really concerned why a 18yr old wants to be friends with a 14yr old whatever way round it was even if they were both the same gender.

There is a reason why her boyfriend is not happy about it.

There is s reason this would not be allowed in your home.

There is a reason why you are here asking these questions about the situation.

No matter how feminist she is - she's probably drinking there, she's likely smoking there and if she's not already she'll likely be having sexual there.

18 year old uni students, with access to loads of potential friendships with students also in halls etc .. people he can socialise, drink and go clubbing with

And yet he invites your 14 year old to his Balls/room mmmmmm mmm

Think you are bring rather naïve

I knew my mother's thoughts on such things too. So I just didn't tell her exactly what I was up to. At 13/14 I was the model student and daughter who was getting pissed and shagging 17/18 year olds. Don't put her in a position where she can do these things ostensibly with your permission.

Being a feminist wont protect her from predators. You have the power to do that.

Exactly @breadzeb i do not understand why she thinks this is relevant to the situation at all.