Teen DDs older male mates

[Wallywobbles]

DD1 (14) has a boyfriend of some long standing in her year at school. He's pretty respectful etc and she's in control of progress. All ok so far. She says she's doesn't think he's Mr Right more Mr Rightnow.

She went skiing with a large group, 40 or so, kids some up to 18. One is at uni in the town she goes to school in and she's spent a couple of afternoons with him in halls. Nothing going on. Boyfriend possibly not thrilled. I know DH isn't probably thrilled about this, but he's not her DF. And I don't think he'd allow his DD who is 13 to do similar, anytime soon.

At home we wouldn't be ok with boys in the girls bedrooms (3 teen DDs). Any boys really. I've also said no to her hanging out at his house without parents there as I'm not confident it'd end well.

I'm just curious how other parents handle mixed sex friendships, out of sight/home, with younger girls / older boys. Am I being too controlling? It just seems a minefield as we really need to get it right. DH is pretty black and white on these issues and had an older Dad who was very strict who he worshipped.

Thanks for any wisdom.

I mentioned once to my then 17 year old son that I had a schoolmate at 16 who went out with a 14 year old and he was horrified.

I just can't imagine him at 18 hanging out with a 14 year old unless it was a family friend at our house , so essentially forced into it for politeness.

Oh I just thought of one. She was 13 and he was 19. They had sex in bushes in parks 🤷‍♀️

Uni halls tend to be a very different space to a home, and in many ways I would say they are less safe. There's often lots of drinking and sometimes drug use even in the day, and there's often lots of conversation that wouldn't really be great for a 14 year old to hear. There may well be pressure to join in with drinking etc. Personally, it's not a space I'd be happy to have her in regardless.

I also think that his interest is unlikely to be innocent.

I was also a good student and appeared mature and had sex with an 18yo at 15 and did all sorts of things my parents weren't aware of. I think by allowing her to visit it could be seen as condoning anything that happens.

Thinking back to my own uni days.

If one of the boys had had a 14 year old in his room everyone would have been talking about it.

When I was 13/14 me and my friends hung around with older boys 17-23 year olds.

I wish my parents had been stricter and put a stop to it because those MEN took advantage of me and my friends and now as an adult I feel abused and disturbed by what happened. It also had a knock on effect to my adult sexual relationships.

If I were you I would put a stop to it. There is a big difference to experimenting with her boyfriend of her own age and entering a sexual relationship with an adult man, which is what an 18 year old is.

Right. Rethink then.

The ski trip is a French association that all 4 of our kids go on every year. The older kids have a kind of minder role. In France mixed aged social groups are pretty normal outside school. Whole families tend to socialize together. And we live so rurally it's their only option.

My 14 yo DS has a girlfriend - I can’t imagine my older 18 yo DS being the slightest bit interested in hanging out with her instead of girls and boys his own age. In a group, fair enough, but one to one, very odd.

I was also having sex with an 18 year old at 14. I don’t regret it, but I do think 18/14 is an odd friendship even though I wouldn’t think anything of it if it were say 30/26. I have to say I can’t blame her boyfriend though, my H wouldn’t be too thrilled now if I was hanging out in another guys bedroom

I was also having sex with an 18 year old at 14. I don’t regret it,

But as an adult surely you can see how wrong it is?

Gosh - when I was at university any 18 year old man bringing 14 year old girls into his room would have been viewed as a weirdo. His nickname would have been "Matt..you know, Paedo Matt?"

Exactly Tawdry

Yes Tawdry.

Also agreed.
It's odd.

In France mixed aged social groups are pretty normal outside school

In a group setting I don't think there is anything wrong with this. Girls tend to mature more quickly and enjoy the company of older boys. I don't think this set up is unique to France - it's certainly familiar from my youth.

BUT it is very different from a one-on-one situation. I would not be happy with the situation you describe. Why do you feel your DD is safer shut in a boy's bedroom in halls, than in her own bedroom with you around?

No way would I allow my 14 year old dd to be hanging round with an 18 year old in a room in halls. It's entirely inappropriate.

I just typed out a long detailed explanation of why you shouldn't allow this, and my experience as a teenage girl, but managed to lose it when trying to post it... Grrrr!

Just please protect your daughter OP. She may be mature and sensible but her age makes her vulnerable and naive (although of course she won't realise that until she is older). Good luck here OP.

Any 18 year old boy showing that sort of interest in 14 year olds I would suspect has a sexual interest in children, and indeed he technically does.

An 18 year old doing that back in my day would have been shunned/grassed up to the police/got a kicking

Gallic pretentiousness and feminism is completely irrelevant.

An 18 year old doing that back in my day would have been shunned/grassed up to the police/got a kicking

Indeed. At yet here we are in 2019 with a parent questioning what to do. Protect your child OP.

So we've had a chat and she's fine about not going any more. In terms of people taking the piss. I don't think you'd guess she's 14 looking at her.