Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Husband left after 15 yrs.... Devastated

27 replies

Wlease · 07/04/2019 14:31

My husband of 15 yrs walked out 5 weeks ago. We have two boys 12 and 14 eldest has Autism and is struggling they both are. I'm so up and down just don't know how I will cope. Any advice thanks

OP posts:
Palominoo · 07/04/2019 14:33

Had there been problems building up or did he just abruptly leave?

Is he providing any financial help?

Is he seeing the children or speaking on the phone?

Do you know where he is?

Samind · 07/04/2019 14:38

Sorry to hear this OP. Have you got any friends or family nearby? You need to make sure you look after yourself too which is easier said than done.

Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 14:42

He had said a few weeks before he felt I push him away that all my time goes on our boys nothing left for him etc so we had been really trying and we had a good few weeks seemed really happy, then what's app messaged he wanted to leave!

He's military so had a room on camp set up pretty quickly and went that day.

Been seeing boys.
Has paid bills this month.
Found out he's been messaging and calling another woman but says they're just friends.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Children's health General health
Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 14:46

He changed over night was so cold and uncaring towards me. I've followed him round for his career for 15 yrs moving every two yrs and now he says we are done. Won't try counselling.
Not seen him only when he collects boys he says it's too painful. I'm just so shocked this has happened to us. We where best friends too. Hardly ever argued anytime thought we where happy.

OP posts:
Samind · 07/04/2019 14:48

Awe no OP! This sounds awful. Especially when he'd given you false hope of making things work.

He sounds like a coward tbh. Ending a marraige over WhatsApp is beyond disgusting. He's a manchild.

Of course your time goes on your children. You're a bloody mother!!! That's what is necessary. Did he forget that children grow up an turn into adults?

How are your two boys coping? Do they know the full extent or have you left it open for them?

Flowers
OldAndWornOut · 07/04/2019 14:48

I think the "just good friends" situation sheds light on why this is happening..

Palominoo · 07/04/2019 15:01

They rarely upsticks without another woman being involved.

Well if he's made it clear he doesn't want to be with you then the quicker you accept it the better.

It will also help you to be proactive in getting your finances and joint matters sorted out ASAP.

You will be hurting and it will be difficult for awhile but it does get better and you will move on.

strathmore · 07/04/2019 15:24

Are you in a military house?

Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 15:26

Palominoo you are right. I felt better last week after going to cab they were very helpful. Just find weekends so hard.

He's gone off to visit friends for a few days as he needs time to heal apparently!

Samind the boys are finding it difficult to accept as my youngest said we always seemed happy! No fighting always got on well. That's why it's so confusing for them. Especially my eldest he attends a special school and they have been amazing doing social stories to help him understand but he's been lashing out at me he's very angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 18:45

No strathmore we bought our own less than 2 yrs ago as we wanted to settle when the boys started high school. He pushed for us to buy now he says nothing in the house interests him 💔

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 07/04/2019 18:49

I was going to say OW before you posted it, OP. A very predictable story, unfortunately.

You need to toughen up and quick.... although it's so so hard. Make sure you see a solicitor asap, get your finances sorted and make sure he does his share with the DC. Don't let him slope off and start behaving like a single man, no matter how much he wants it.

I'm really sorry Flowers

Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 19:29

Thank you for your messages it means alot and definitely listening to your advice.
House in both names. He says he can't pay towards mortgage and child support as he wants to get a flat eventually. I'm seeing a solicitor on Thursday.

I'm full time carer for our son so have had to apply for uc

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 07/04/2019 19:41

I'm so sorry, what an idiot, he assumes the grass will be greener. You will be in shock and go through a roller coaster of emotions.What do you know about finances?

There is a number of strands you will have to follow, legal to get finances and children sorted and emotionally to ride the wave until recovery. It will be a while but you will get through this. Are family close?

StephsCaddy · 07/04/2019 19:44

He had no choice about paying CSA do start that ball rolling first thing tomorrow.

He’s no friend of yours now - him wanting his own flat is no concern of yours as you need to put you an your boys first.

FlowersGinFlowers

Steamfan · 07/04/2019 19:46

so sorry to read this - have you thought about contacting SSAFA? www.ssafa.org.uk/help-you/currently-serving/military-families

Palominoo · 07/04/2019 19:50

Basically he was feeling that family life was a bit crappy as we all do from time to time and instead of trying to work as a team with you and work together he has allowed his head to be turned in the direction of another woman.

It's really quite cowardly to walk away from your family like that. Marriage vows should be taken more seriously instead of just quitting.

That's how you need to view him, as a quitter.

You will get through this and your chikdren may not realise now but in the future they will understand and respect you knowing you have always done your best for them.

Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 19:55

Yes steamfan I will contact ssaffa don't want to get his unit involved tho as women he's been messaging is married and husband serving too so it would cause all sorts of trouble. I know hubby is panicking about me doing that.

lifebeigns50 I have no family here they live about 250 miles away. Friends have been amazing tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 19:59

I just feel broken to be honest. Can't believe he's done this to us. He keeps saying it's you I've left not the boys but he has left them. He was away so much anyway. I never stopped him doing anything. Skiing, sailing, adventure training he's always done what he wanted so him saying he needs space just doesn't make sense 😞

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 07/04/2019 20:03

He's having an affair (at least emotional, probably sexual) and blaming you eases his guilt. He's a selfish pig op and I'm sorry this has happened to you and your kids.

Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 20:07

I know your right kaytee87 thank you

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 07/04/2019 20:12

Im so sorry OP, OW for sure, whether emotional or full on, its an affair of some sort.

Original poster
Wlease · 07/04/2019 20:13

Palominoo thank you for your kind words 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
Wlease · 12/04/2019 07:40

So now he is being horrible. Went off last weekend to a stag do in Poland! Let the boys down. Now changing our agreed times again as he has plans this weekend... I hate him 💔

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/04/2019 07:45

It’s time to start doing what’s best for you and the boys now. If that means involving his work, then do it. I don’t mean be vindictive, but if will help YOU then do what you need to. Your time should be spent protecting you and the dc and NOT him. He wouldn’t be panicking about you informing his unit if what he was doing was ok.

EvaHarknessRose · 12/04/2019 07:46

What an idiot. Be clear with him that this stuff is damaging for kids and contact is contact, his (minimal) responsibility to his family. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your boys. He is the loser in the long term, he will lose them and he has lost you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread