I have had extra time today to think about this problem and have sent my husband this email. Thank you for all your posts; it has been really helpful to air this. Here is the email I have just sent him.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about us, our relationship with alcohol, and your abuse of alcohol, so rather than trying to talk to you-again- I have decided to write you this email.
I think that we have developed a co-dependent relationship based on alcohol. I don’t want to drink and I don’t think that my use of alcohol in the past has been healthy, as although I don’t binge drink, I do use a glass, or a couple of glasses a few times a week to unwind and de-stress. This is not healthy, and I often feel ashamed when I know that I have had a couple of large glasses of wine and the evening is blurry. I also don’t think that it is good example for our boys, so I am going to carry on not drinking alcohol for 100 days and then see how I feel. I want to feel life and not block it out, I don’t want to wake up feeling groggy. I want to wake up, bounce out of bed and go to a yoga class or go for a run. I want to feel more in control of my very stressful job. I want to be healthy, not living a sub-par life, where I dull my senses because I am so unhappy.
I have really struggled this week to understand why you went out on Friday, binge drank and then drove home. I can’t forgive the driving home and I am very concerned about your abuse of alcohol and the strain it places on our relationship, as well as the fact that alcohol is a luxury item and as we have so much debt, should we really be drinking anyway?
I posted an accurate description of your actions on a website (anonymously). Unsurprisingly, the response was not positive towards you, even thought I tempered the description of your actions with your many positive qualities. I have also spoken to a friend, as I am worried about our relationship and how it is affecting not only us, but our two vulnerable and impressionable teenage boys.
Alcohol has always been the main source of arguments in our marriage and I am tired of it; I feel as if I have to parent you when you go out. I don’t like going out with you for the simple reason that I don’t like watching you get drunk and turn into what I can only describe as an absolute prat. I also think you are becoming more verbally abusive towards me, which is not a good sign. I can understand why you don’t like me very much, as our sex-life is non-existent and we don’t have a warm and loving relationship. We do, however, get on fine and manage finances, parenting and house stuff pretty well, so we might have a marriage to save. The only question we have to ask ourselves is do we want to be married? We will always need to parent and then grandparent, so we do need to be sensible about this.
I have been researching how to get a divorce as well, and it doesn’t have to be expensive and we can be the ones who move out and then then back into the family home on a rota system, rather than the kids moving, as is the traditional way. That way we can stabilize our finances and try to keep things stable for our boys.
We have a lot of bad history with drinking incidences and financial instability and I think there is a lot that needs to be aired, looked at objectively and then hopefully put away for good. I suggest that we start Relate counselling. We have to pay for the first session £67.00, and then we might be able to get a bursary. Unlike the last and only time we went, it would be great if you did not treat it like a job interview and were totally honest.
I think as alcohol seems to be the main problem with our marriage, it might be an idea if you would consider giving it up for 100 days. I am going to start attending a support group for people who have a person in their life with an alcohol problem, and I hope this will give me some perspective. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable, but when I said that you had gone to AA, but come back saying that you shouldn’t be there as you weren’t putting vodka on your cornflakes, she said that this was a common response in a functioning alcoholic or alcohol abuser. You have always said that you don’t seem to have an ‘off button’ and I have accepted this as okay, but it’s not okay. Not having an ‘off button’ is a sign of an alcoholic. You have also cited your grandmother as the reason that you drink, as she was an alcoholic and so it must have been passed down to you. You may have a genetic predilection for alcohol, but you haven’t tried to do anything about it, unless I have ‘nagged’ you to.
I am tired and sad, that it has come to this, and I would like to avoid any drama: there has been enough shouting and railing and upheaval in our marriage to last a life-time. I hope you don’t feel as if I have painted you as the villain in this piece. As you are very fond of saying it is 50-50 in a marriage and I am sure that you are partially acting this way because I can’t seem to give you what you need. I have often wondered, if you would not be better off with someone else, someone more ‘fun’.
I think we both need to think very carefully as to why we are together and whether those reasons are able to sustain a long, healthy and happy marriage. We have been together now for twenty three years and married for nearly twenty, but there seems little point in just carrying on it is not working for either of us. Why don’t we try the 100 days sober and then, if possible, the year sober and that might give us the answer?