Husband's Binge Drinking

[greekyogurt]

AIBU to want my DH to stop drinking to excess? He always has done, and I have tolerated it to a certain extent. When our DS was three months old he got so drunk at his relatives' house that he nearly trod on him. I was too cowardly to drive the three and a half hours home with a young baby in a small car in the middle of the night, and so I stayed up all night as he vomited and I watched over our baby.
He went to the AA several years ago, at my request, but came back saying that he shouldn't be there as he wasn't drinking a bottle of vodka before breakfast.
Anyway, he went out on Friday night, as he usually does, and drank to excess on an empty stomach, probably between 5-7 pints (not a missive amount by an alcoholic's standards). He then drove home, which I am struggling to forgive him for, woke me up, just being noisy as he was drunk, decided to sleep in our bed, although I have requested that he sleep on the sofa bed if he is very drunk. I then woke up to a sharp stab in the back (unintentional), just because he was so drunk and flailing around in the bed. I asked him, in no uncertain terms, to sleep on the sofa and although he did leave to sleep on the sofa, his parting shot was to tell me to 'Fuck off'- not the first time he has told me to do that. I have a strong inclination to do just that, but I have two teenage children to consider. There have been numerous incidences like this and I am so tired of it all. I feel as if I have to parent him and that we don't have a relationship. I can't bear to sleep with him and I think the last time we kissed on the lips was over five years ago. I don't want to split the family up, but he readily admits that when it comes to drinking, he doesn't have an 'off button'.
He is hard working, but has had numerous jobs and careers, so things have always been tricky financially, and I have always had to work several jobs, study, keep things together on the home front etc. He is also very popular and outgoing and means well. We get on fine when he isn't drinking.

At the end of the day only you can decide if you want to try and make a life work with this person. Not any of us.
Your email is lovely and in my honest opinion way more than he deserves.
I don’t think you stopping drinking will stop his drinking
I think you know deep down what his responses will be.
I know you hope frightening him into stopping drinking with threats of divorce will work but it won’t if he is an alcoholic.

Ultimately your email is just giving him another chance and more rope to hang yourself with I fear.
But I do feel for you and understand your dilemma and sadness.

your email has resonated with me in so many ways... more than I care to mention on here. You are very brave OP and this is a big step - good luck

Hi OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic who has been in recovery for 11 years. In the interests of full disclosure, I have had two relapses. Your H is definitely an alcoholic - I have met hundreds of people over the years. There is a spectrum in alcoholism; some people binge drink on Friday and Saturday nights, with work lunches that continue into the afternoon/evening - then you have those who have lost job, family, home and exist on strong cider when they can no longer afford vodka. And there are many, many stages in between.

We say that alcoholism is a progressive illness. With regard to your H's comment about vodka on cornflakes, we would call that a "yet" as in he hasn't done that particular thing yet. It's extremely common for a newcomer to grasp at the absolute worst things they hear in meetings, reassure themselves that they haven't done that or would never do that, decide with a sigh of relief that this isn't the place for them and not come back.

Then they come back further down the line when they have hit rock bottom and their partner/spouse has threatened to leave or has left, they've lost their driving licence and their job.

We always say "look for the similarities not the differences". I was just as bad. I read a story once about a mother who wore armbands to take her children swimming, so that she could fill them with vodka and drink in the pool. I thought self righteously "I've never done that".

You know that the only person who can make the change is your H. You cannot control his actions but you can control your reaction. Drink driving, putting your child at risk, making you miserable - this is not conducive to a happy life.

You can’t stop his drinking.
You can only choose how you respond to it. Stop thinking in terms of an alcoholic drinking vodka for breakfast. He is a problem drinker if his drinking adversely affects the family. He’s shown you he cares more about the booze. Time is up.
He’s likely to end up killing himself and/or someone else. Re drink driving? He’s likely over the limit the following day.

Thank you for all your messages, but especially to Lobsterquadrille2 for sharing so openly and helpfully. Wishing you all the best and hopefully we can move forward from here.

Good luck OP and I hope you find some peace and happiness