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Original poster

How do I let someone down gently?

34 replies

MakeUpGirl · 30/03/2019 16:25

My dad has suggested my daughter and I go visit him when I can take some time off work. He’s quite unwell and I’d really like to spend some time with him but I’ve looked into going and just don’t think we can at the moment

He lives several hundred miles away and the trip would be 5 train changes with DD who’s 4 and luggage for us both with quite tight timings between trains
It’ll also cost about £300 and that’s if I don’t pay for a seat for DD who can’t really sit on my knee for 5 hours of travelling
Lastly once we got there we wouldn’t be able to go anywhere as he lives quite rurally and wouldn’t have a car seat for DD

How do I tell him we can’t go until my partner can come with us - possibly late August - without hurting him

OP posts:
Palominoo · 30/03/2019 16:26

Is there a chance he would contribute or pay for the whole trip?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 30/03/2019 16:30

Can you drive, hire a car?

Vitalogy · 30/03/2019 16:34

Just an idea. Could you break the journey up and stay over night somewhere? Are you in the UK? I know sometimes going on the coach is quicker, less changes.

If you do want to go and there's no other issues with your relationship. The fact he's unwell and has asked you specially. If he's not the sort to ask often he must really need you. I know it's more difficult with little ones in tow.

Tavannach · 30/03/2019 16:35

If your dad is unwell and asking you to go I think you should. If you book the train ahead it will be cheaper. If the cost is £300 then get a family rsilcard. ""A Family & Friends Railcard costs £30 and it'll save you 1/3 on adult fares and 60% on kids’ fares throughout Great Britain for a whole year." It can be used on off peak and advance fares.
Family Railcard
Does your dad know someone locally who can lend you a car seat?

HarrySnotter · 30/03/2019 16:36

Without giving too much away OP, where roughly does he live?

RandomMess · 30/03/2019 16:41

If you are in the UK you need to look at train splitter for reasonably priced tickets.

What about flying or a coach for most of it?

Myyearmytime · 30/03/2019 16:43

Can you buy a car seat for you and get it sent to your dads .

daphine2004 · 30/03/2019 16:48

Could you fly and then hire a car? Might work out the same and mitigate the time it would take on the train.

Homemadearmy · 30/03/2019 16:49

I think you should try and go, travel light, assuming your dad has a washing machine you won't need that much stuff. The rail card is a good call, you can get them for £10 with Tesco clubcard points. Or sometime they do a free trial.

IvanaPee · 30/03/2019 16:53

Can you fly?

Original poster
MakeUpGirl · 30/03/2019 17:19

I wouldn’t want to ask him to pay towards the trip, he’s had to retire due to his health and we’ve also had relationship issues in the past
I’m trying to make an effort for the sake of DD but I do still struggle with some aspects

He’s in a quite rural area of Surrey and I’m in the north east so there’s no option but to go through London which makes it both expensive and I difficult journey

Flying isn’t an option as I don’t have any photo ID and even flying we wouldn’t be much better off because getting to and from airports is still a pain

I don’t drive and the coach is almost 8 hours and then still having to travel across London though is considerably cheaper. Can’t quite imagine DD spending 8 hours on a coach though

It’s highly unlikely he would be able to borrow a car seat and buying one is just adding even more money to a trip that’s already pretty expensive for me

I’m sure people will think I’m putting obstacles in the way but money is tight at the moment and I just don’t know how I’m going to manage

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 30/03/2019 17:28

Just tell him the truth then OP.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2019 17:29

Go without DD?

HollowTalk · 30/03/2019 17:32

Is he very seriously ill, OP? Is it a situation where if you don't see him now, August might be too late? If not (hopefully) then I would leave it until August. Bear in mind, though, that the prices change frequently on the Train Line website and that you can get a family and friends ticket which will give you a discount, as a PP has said.

Original poster
MakeUpGirl · 30/03/2019 17:38

He’s not so ill that it’s a case of now or never but there is a risk that by the end of August he’d be ill enough to not enjoy having us there

There’s no point going without DD - I imagine he wants to see her more than me and spoil her a bit while he can

Can I buy a family & friends railcard if she’s under 5? - it says on the website you must be travelling with a named child aged between 5 and 15

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2019 17:44

You must look at he train splitting site it will be loads cheaper! You can get bargains NE to London then buy the London to Surrey bit separately.

Perhaps you can get someone to drop you at the main NE station? Kings Cross to Waterloo is all on the same tune line.

Unless your DD looks very young then you can say she is 5.

I looked at Preston to Ramsgate and I was quoted £250 but if I split the ticket in London it was about £100.

HollowTalk · 30/03/2019 17:45

Can you PM me the start and end stations and I'll have a look for you - I've had to look up a lot of trains lately!

Original poster
MakeUpGirl · 30/03/2019 17:52

Thanks will take a look at the train splitting site and look a bit deeper into how easy it is to get across London

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2019 17:55

With a rucksack each and a medium size wheelie suitcase it's fairly easy with a 4 year old on the tube, you can look at going from Waterloo or Vauxhall.

Tavannach · 30/03/2019 18:05

59 bus goes from King's Cross to Waterloo (assuming those are the stations). Takes roughly half an hour if you don't want to use the tube. Allow a bit longer for peace of mind.

KindergartenKop · 30/03/2019 20:29

With family and friends you have to buy a children's ticket, even if they're under 5, but it still works out cheaper than the full price adult ticket.

RandomMess · 30/03/2019 20:32

If you have a Tesco clubcard you can buy a railcard with £10 worth of points (was last month unless it's stopped)

HerculesMulligan · 30/03/2019 20:54

OP, I did London to Newcastle on a Saturday morning at peak time last autumn, and with a family railcard it cost £180 return for two adults and a 4yo who had his own ticket. There's a direct train from St Pancras (part of Kings Cross) to East Croydon which gets you most of the way to bits of rural Surrey. Or are you thinking out towards Guildford?

Original poster
MakeUpGirl · 30/03/2019 21:17

Yes need to be in the Guildford area, which is underground from kings cross and then another train too

Also have to get 2 trains at this end before I even get on the train to London and just not sure how it’s going to work with DD

I’m ashamed to say it but I’ve never travelled anywhere with just the 2 of us, always had my partner or my mum with us. DD is a bit of a livewire and I get awful anxiety at the thought of something going wrong and something happening to her

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2019 21:21

Is there no way you can travel with someone dropping you off at a station on the East Coast mainline station?

Loads of trains out to Guildford no reserved seating so can take your time on the bus/underground.