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Original poster

Dilemma over new guy

33 replies

Jaybright · 30/03/2019 01:20

Please help! It's 1am and I'm wide awake as I can't get this off my mind.

There's a lovely guy who regularly visits my workplace (not a patient) who I really like and who I feel really likes me too.
At first I didn't think much of the connection we had as I was going through a separation from my husband who's now my ex.

But earlier this month when we met again at work after several months had passed I wasn't sure what to think but he still seemed to be showing a lot of interest.

I found that I had my guard up as I was still going through a healing process following years of emotional abuse from my husband (that relationship ended last year).

I was really concerned about scarying the new guy away so I decided to reach out (I didn't think he would as I was sure he could sense I had my guard up) so I reached out by text hoping we could spend some time together to get to know each other just as friends for now.

Sadly he didn't respond so I decided to call. (By this point I had a feeling that my boss had probably warned him off as he was holding as grudge against me). I couldn't bring myself to ask about my boss but we did arrange to meet this week.

Sadly he didn't show up and didn't contact me to say why. I really have no idea what to do now. I'm torn between making no contact and letting it go or calling him to find out whether the sudden lack of interest had anything to do with my boss.

Please what do you think? What would you guys do if you were in this position? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm not very experienced in this area of life. Thanks.

OP posts:
polarpig · 30/03/2019 01:21

I'd let it go, for whatever reason he's not that interested in you. Chances are it's not you personally, he's just not up for a relationship right now.

Original poster
Jaybright · 30/03/2019 01:24

Thanks. I would like to be able to let it go but I'll just keep torturing myself over not knowing whether my boss had interfered in some way...

OP posts:
hopl · 30/03/2019 01:26

I would too just move on and let go. He made a dick move so don't waste your time or energy on him, whether the boss is involved or not! I know that's easier said then done though. Hope you get some sleep soon

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dontfluffthefluffer · 30/03/2019 01:27

Maybe think on it this way, would you want to be involved with someone who was incapable of making up their own mind and took the word of someone else as law?

If your boss has interfered then this chap is taking his word for it instead of coming to his own conclusion.

I think I'd rather cut my losses now.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/03/2019 01:29

Let it go OP.

Whatever has gone on in your life, he didn't initially respond and then stood you up. Don't find excuses for him. He's an adult who hasnt behaved in a nice way.

You however, have been brave. Good on you. Hopefully the next man will be more receptive. But don't be afraid of being on your own. Being single is good for life.Smile

Boredgiraffes · 30/03/2019 01:31

He ignored your text then stood you up, have you ever watched the film ‘he’s just not that into you’ sorry

Original poster
Jaybright · 30/03/2019 01:41

Thanks so much. I have tried to look at it that way but it helps to hear this from another point of view. Thank you - I will try to remember this whenever I start thinking of making that call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaybright · 30/03/2019 01:44

Yes I feel really hurt that he has been so rude. But yet another part of me says it can't be his fault- he was never rude to me before. I guess I'm just making excuses for him as I did for my ex. Thanks for your help. I won't be calling him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaybright · 30/03/2019 01:47

Thanks so much. I'll keep this in mind.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 30/03/2019 01:48
Smile
icelollycraving · 30/03/2019 08:55

Did you have his number because he gave it to you? I don’t know the situation about your boss.
Perhaps he agreed to a date on the phone as he felt a bit on the spot.
There could be a lot of reasons for his ghosting. None of them are worth giving headspace to.
If you contact him again you’ll look a bit pushy and willing to accept crap.
Set your standards higher.

Original poster
Jaybright · 31/03/2019 08:21

Hello icelollycraving,
I had his work mobile number because we work together (he did offer to give me his personal number months back but I declined). He provides supplies to the hospital where I work. He'd also asked to take me out to lunch months back which I wasn't sure about. That was back when although I had already separated from my ex I wasn't ready for another relationship and I didn't actually like this guy (or perhaps wasn't conscious that I did).
While on the phone with him funnily enough we had a nice chat and I did say sorry for putting you on the spot and also that it was ok if he didn't want to meet up.
We seem to get on really well and had gotten quite close last year sharing about our personal lives, showing each other family photos etc. He was giving me a lot of attention a couple of weeks prior when he visited my workplace and offered to get me a drink. He always seemed so nervous around me.

It's really odd how there's been a sudden change.

OP posts:
Notastepparentbut · 31/03/2019 08:23

He’s just not interested. Sorry x

AuntMarch · 31/03/2019 08:30

Whatever his reason, it was up to him not to be a dick about it and to offer an explanation, which he should have done seeing as he has your number from when you called him.

Absolutely do not call him again!

Original poster
Jaybright · 31/03/2019 08:30

Thanks Notastepparentbut it's good to get an honest view on this so I don't go and embarrass myself any further.

OP posts:
FairyMoppings · 31/03/2019 08:33

Maybe he just likes you as a friend, and only ever saw you in that way, but then you put him on the spot with a text asking him out. He ignored the text but you called him, again putting him on the spot.

I just think he doesn't know how to say, "sorry but I just don't feel that way about you" and has opted for the cowards way of just ignoring you. A shitty thing to do, as a grown adult should be able to be tactful and honest rather than just plain rude.

Or, are you sure he's single? Maybe he already has a SO, was initially flattered by your interest in him and allowed himself to agree to meet up with you, but then thought better of it?

I'd let it go. Don't continue to hound him as you may come across a bit stalker-ish and could land you in trouble with a potential sexual harassment complaint at work.

Original poster
Jaybright · 31/03/2019 08:33

Thanks AuntMarch. Yes I'm moving on with my life. It's not worth losing sleep over.

OP posts:
Whereareyouspot · 31/03/2019 08:39

Move on
Regardless of what your boss may or may not have said he has behaved very VERY rudely.
First flag- He didn’t respond to your text. At all. Would have been safer to leave it there. He didn’t even have the manners to say ah nice to hear from you but can we just keep it as work friends or friends.

Flag 2. You may have put him on the spot by then calling and asking him out but regardless he could have phoned back or texted to say he had changed his mind. Instead he just didn’t turn up! FFS OP a decent bloke doesn’t do that. It’s unbelievably rude.

If you don’t get the hint now you risk wading into stalker territory and really embarrassing yourself.

Let it go.

An decent adult man wouldn’t be warned off by your boss and even if the boss did say something he could have politely declined. If he genuinely felt a romantic interest he would have treated you well

He sounds an arse
And you are rebounding.

Please reflect on that else you risk moving on into another messy and unhealthy relationship.take some time out and build your self worth properly-

Good luck

Original poster
Jaybright · 31/03/2019 08:42

Thanks FairyMoppings. I'm not sure I asked him out (but maybe I just don't see it that way).

I simply texted to say next time you happen to be at my workplace we could catch up (only intending it to be a friendly catch up at work and nothing more) as this is just what we naturally gravitate to doing most of the time when he visits if I'm not too busy working. But past couple of visits I'd been too busy.

I appreciate your advice but I think sexual harrassment is very far fetch.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 31/03/2019 08:44

"I was really concerned about scarying the new guy away so I decided to reach out (I didn't think he would as I was sure he could sense I had my guard up) so I reached out by text hoping we could spend some time together to get to know each other just as friends for now.

Sadly he didn't respond so I decided to call. "

You were already at sexual harassment at this point.

Original poster
Jaybright · 31/03/2019 08:47

Thanks Whereareyouspot. Yes you're right huge red flags! I've already decided I won't be calling him again or have anything to do with him tbh. I'm still working on my recovery and shouldn't be making excuses for this guy even if my boss did have something to do with it. I deserve much better. Thanks so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaybright · 31/03/2019 08:49

Ok BitOfFun thanks- it's good to be informed.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 31/03/2019 08:51

Reading your posts, @Jaybright I don't think he's done much wrong, it sounds like he's just had second thoughts about the situation and decided not to take things further.

Although it probably feels to you like it was a relationship in the making, because you both shared some personal stories between you, in reality it wasn't as if you'd been on a few dates and now he's got cold feet, you hadn't gone out together and you had his work mobile number for work reasons and you didn't have his private number because you didn't want it.

Sorry to say, it sounds like it's gone off the boil.

Hellywelly10 · 31/03/2019 08:55

Some people just like to flirt as a pass time op. Dont contact him again, especially on his work phone.

daisychain01 · 31/03/2019 08:56

can we just keep it as work friends or friends.

Not everyone can be so candid. He may have done what a lot of people decide - just go NC. It doesn't make him a bad person, it's his way of dealing with it.

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