If you were ambivalent or against having children...

[Meerkat78]

...and then ended up having them, and are now glad you did, why? What was it that changed your mind?

I'm in my mid 30s and very ambivalent about it. I love my niece and nephew but have never wished they were mine, and I enjoy my life as it is. I've never felt broody.

I think deep down I'm probably leaning more towards not, but I'm terrified of regretting my decision later in life and I've read so many posts by women who've said they were never bothered by having kids but ended up having them and are so glad they did.

I was ambivalent, and had one ds who I love very much. But I have never been particularly interested in other children, and never cooed over babies even once I had one of my own.
I think I'd have a very full and happy life without having had a child.

This is just me and not meant to influence or say I'm right at all.
My experience: was 100% into my career and never having dc, sometimes doubling up on prevention.
I was a HR tax payer at 21 and a thriving business, that I thought I was in for life.
Complete accident found out at 22 weeks was pg and the shock was unbelievable. Personally, I couldn't terminate and luckily dh my then partner didn't want to either.
He's 27 now and I'm a grandma, we had 2 other dc as well the youngest is 15.
My ds1 completely changed my life and I didn't even go back to work again.
I haven't really worked in all this time and completely devoted my life to family and of course found time for me.
Now, I enjoy my hobbies, interests and gc and can only look back on fond memories and no regrets of leaving my career.
For me it was a no brainer, no way were we going to use childcare, it was a sahp for us. Tbh, I struggled to leave them and was so happy they didn't settle at nursery.
I did cry a bit at first, due to the shock, I was under the hospital for treatment and they'd done several pg tests and even scans which they said were in different areas.
Friends said I should sue the hospital, but was too busy getting over the shock and getting things together.
I have no regrets, but others may have, we are all different.
Oh, we were 25 and 26 when we had first ds.

meerkat

I was so so for years

Then we started trying and I thought it would be nice to have children

Then we ran into difficulties trying to conceive and i just thought sod it, im not tha fussed we can go traveling instead

Then i got pregnant

And ds1 was such a joy that we carried on and had another 2

I love and adore my children...they are wonderful and i would not swap my life with them for anything

But i also think that i could have had a happy and fulfilling life without them

I was a no, then did an about turn when DH suggested it. We have a 5yo.

On balance I don't regret having him. I love him to bits and it's wonderful to cuddle your own child.

I do wonder what I would have decided if I had already had a big "thing" in my life like a sport or my career.

Then again I've been stuck at home with an ill DS for the last 3 days, so I've missed most of my working week and adult company.

I was totally ambivalent leaning towards not then by age 37 all of our friends had children and social lives and priorities just felt a bit different. So we went for it.

I now have a lovely beautiful funny daughter and am so happy to have her in my life. I wouldn’t want more children as not a ‘child person’ and don’t want to be defined by being a mum. I do now feel the unsayable and judgemental thing of thinking those that choose not to have children are a bit silly not to.

Thank you for all your replies. It's so hard to try and predict how you will feel after having children, and I'm curious to know whether it was different or better tan you expected?

In all honesty, I'm not at all envious of my sister and friends who have small children the moment. I enjoy spending time with kids, but also enjoy handing them back. But it seems that lots of people who feel/felt the same as me seem to change their mind when they actually have kids. I wish I felt strongly one way or the other!

I do now feel the unsayable and judgemental thing of thinking those that choose not to have children are a bit silly not to.

How do you feel about that judgemental thing of thinking those who only have one child are a bit silly? Only child = lonely child etc.

Was definitely not having a child all the way into my 30s. After marrying DH became ambivalent & then became pregnant. I love DS immensely and have no regrets. For me it has all got better as he gets older. The baby / early toddler period I wouldn't want to repeat. Had I not had a child I believe life would still have been good just a bit different. If you're a cup half-full person you'll appreciate your blessings whichever path you end up down.

I didn't meet my now DH until I was almost 35 and was totally ambivalent about children, so no pressure. I relocated to be with him, and saw him being so lovely to my friends' dog (seriously), making sure she was washed off and dried after a muddy walk that he'd taken her on. I thought then and there that it would be a total waste if he wasn't a dad, and turns out he's a much better and more natural parent than me. Our eldest who's 2 asks for him in the night over me!

It's very difficult to say, as so much is individual choice. I had massive reservations (which, in hindsight, I can see were seated in my unresolved issues over the substandard parenting that I received) but DW was adamant, and it was a condition of us being long-term. In the event, I have loved having children (2 in 2 years, in the end!) but nothing else has remotely put me/us through the mill like this process. There are very specific experiences that define parenting, like the first time that they call for or refer to you by name, that simply cannot be obtained elsewhere. The mixture of pride and love is challenging to describe, but nothing else really comes close - not even romantic love for your other half. The trade-off of course is the loss of your freedom and spontaneity although, in my experience, you give these up a lot more willingly than you might expect.

I can only really sum up by saying that I thought I did not ever want children, but now could not imagine coping if they were gone.

Yes, I was against it because I was building my career, loving life, traveling, renovating our house and embracing the carefully chosen responsibilities.
I hit 30 and still wasn’t interested but mused that it wouldn’t be a huge disaster.
We got married and continued with our great life.
House got finished and we just seemed to be ready.
We struggled though.

I just read cmotdribbler's post and had to double check that it was not mine

DS is a teen now and mostly the light of my life. DH and I were unable to have a child together, but if I'm honest I think I craved the experience of pregnancy and birth with him, rather than actually having another DC IYSWIM?

I do now feel the unsayable and judgemental thing of thinking those that choose not to have children are a bit silly not to.

As someone who is childfree by choice it's this that gets to me the most, close friends look at me as if I'm some kind of unfulfilled sad case even though they would never say it to my face.

There are plenty of good reasons not too, some might seem silly but some aren't.

I wasn’t particularly broody for children but I knew I wanted a family that included children. When I looked into my future I wanted that despite not knowing if it was for me. Most of it is just a leap of faith and making that choice. It’s hard but very amazingly wonderful too.
In your mind which future do you prefer one with children or one without. Obviously I understand it’s not always that simple or indeed clear cut just how I explain making my choice.

I didn't want children until very late in life, we adore our daughter and I've been a very happy SAHM.

I don't think people who don't have children are silly not to though, nor do I think they will be lonely later in life (something I used to hear a lot!). Each to their own.

Against, I didn’t want them, didn’t want the responsibility and they wouldn’t fit into my lifestyle.

Then my sister had her children taken away, one was a baby and the other two were seven and eight. In my culture children being adopted out of the family is a big taboo. I knew if I took the baby on I would need to end my relationship, dramatically change my life style and find somewhere else to live.

I’m still not sure I made the right decision, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I feel guilty that he’ll never have a mum and doesn’t get to see his extended family, but somehow we have survived the first two and a half years.

I think you have to be honest about the type of lifestyle you want, I was going out every friday and saturday, playing rugby and football and going on multiple holidays a year with my boyfriend.

Now I go out once every three weeks, the boyfriend had to be demoted to friend, I can’t play sport and my holidays are obviously child centered and less frequent. Only one of my friends has children (a fairly newborn baby), but they tour the world with his work, so I can’t really take him to a friends house without actual chaos.

If I could go back in time I genuinely don’t know if I would take him on or not. I wouldn’t give him back now, it would screw him up, but I also don’t want to give him back.

I was really ambivalent and have never liked babies (still don’t) but I’ve never regretted having DD. She is a joy and makes my life better and happier then I ever thought it could be. That being said I think I would have lived a happy and fulfilled life if i’d never had kids too because I wouldn’t have known anything was missing.

You should know there is no right answer to your dilemma. Either you'll have a child and it'll all be fine; or you won't and you'll fill your life with other things and it'll all be fine.

After much mulling, we decided to try as I was old (37) and fat so didn't think I'd get pregnant anyway. Of course I fell pregnant almost immediately. But then I miscarried. That galvanised our intention so we tried again and got pregnant. All was fine and she is 5 now. She's fab and I really value fanily life.

The baby years were super tough- I hugely struggled and thought I'd ruined my life on a whim. Maternity Leave was a very dark time. That probably lasted a year then got gradually better until she was about 3, when her independence blossomed and I started getting meaningful chunks of my old life and sense of self back. Every year parenting gets easier and more rewarding, and she's fantastic. I love her and I love our family. On balance, I'm glad we did it but if I'd known how hard the early years would be, I don't think I would have. It's part of the reason we only had one child.

I have a friend who had the same dilemma and chose not to have kids. She was able to put her foot down on her career and has soared. She has a fab social life, a second home in the country and is happy with it all. She doesn't talk of it much but I think she yearns occasionally but has peace with her choice and enjoys the benefits.

P.s. being childfree by choice is as valid and sensible a choice as having kids. Children are ridiculously hard work and if your hearts not in it you’d be more silly to have them than not.

Until I met my DH I didn't want children. In all honesty I thought I was too selfish and didn't want to become 'just a mum', along with the loss of identity. Before getting married it was pretty much a condition from DH, he really really wanted children. After time I came round to the idea and have since had DS. I won't lie it's been the hardest and loneliest time of my life. The lack of freedom feels like a lead weight not really helped that I've had one evening out in the last year as DH works nights. I used to think badly of people that would say they wouldn't have children if they had their time again but I can now appreciate the sentiment. You'd never actually give up your DC as there's an incredible bond along with a feeling of love that is visceral at times.
Apologies for rambling, I've spent hours today rocking my teething DS to sleep whilst trying to get everything else for the house and work done. It's stressful and I doubt I'll enjoy a meal out ever again.

you might find this interesting

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3545896-Do-you-judge-women-who-don-t-want-kids

I had absolutely no interest in children and hated other people’s. But DH wanted one so I basically had to make a choice between divorce or a child.

I absolutely adore my DS but he’s ruined my body, my looks, my career opportunities, my hobbies, my social life and any chance of travelling. I’m basically stuck at home every day and every night. I don’t have time to exercise or put makeup on, and it would be a waste of time anyway because nobody sees me. I still don’t like other people's children so I struggle with play dates etc. I often get frustrated and angry about the burden of caring for a child because I’m not a naturally loving and giving “mum” type. DH and I barely see each other because we’re taking turns looking after our child. He doesn’t sleep so we take turns to sit in his room and we haven’t slept together for a year. We haven’t had any privacy to have sex for the past two years.

If I had my choice again I’d probably still have DS. That says a lot about how much I love him! But he has taken literally everything else away from me.