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Original poster

Teenager & bedtimes.

63 replies

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 28/03/2019 06:07

At what age did you or are you planning on letting your teenager decide bedtimes.

My son is fifteen and will be sixteen at Christmas.

I still tell him that he has to be in bed lying down at a certain time. I do this as he is a total night owl and would be up till 2am on a school night if I let him. He never goes straight to sleep and is still awake way past myself and my husband.

He is not allowed phone or iPad in his room at night. He thinks that he should be able to stay up as late as he wants every night. I let him stay up later on a Friday and Saturday.

I’m planning on doing this until he has done his GCSEs. Otherwise he would never get up to get the school bus at 8.30.

What do you do or did. I’m thinking next year after his GCSEs he is old enough to decide when to go to bed and if he is tired for college so be it?????? Yes no?

He thinks he should be allowed to do this now. And I properly would if I knew he would go to bed at a reasonably good time.

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeEyes · 28/03/2019 18:17

I've let both of mine decide for themselves from about 13. They're both fairly sensible and if they stay up until 2am and feel like shit in the morning, then lesson learned. If ds has a late one, he usually goes to sleep much earlier the next night. DD is away at university so she stays up all hours.

Sleep is such a personal thing, I think it's an important lesson to learn on your own.

iklboo · 28/03/2019 18:22

We generally tell DS to switch of devices at about 9:30 - 10pm but he'll read for a bit. He's still usually fast asleep by 10:30.

mamaduckbone · 28/03/2019 18:23

My 13 year old goes up to his room between 9.30 and 9.45 in the week and no gadgets or TV in the bedroom.
I have no idea what time he goes to sleep after that - if he's reading something good I'm sure it's pretty late - but dh and I go to bed around 10 in the week and he needs his sleep, otherwise he's hideous and we all have to suffer.

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pansydansy · 28/03/2019 18:28

Mine are 14, 16,17 and they've not had a "bedtime" since they were 11.

They know they've got to get up for school in the mornings. So it's up to them how long they want to stay up, because it's not me dragging my sorry arse to school.

BearSoFair · 28/03/2019 18:30

I stopped enforcing a set time around 14, but would give him a little nudge at around 10 on a school night until he was done with secondary and remind him how much he hates being tired in the mornings, he was usually in bed by 10:30. Now 17 and at college, he's usually up later than me and DH until around midnight, but never has classes before 10 so no problems getting up and out on time.

FelixTitling · 28/03/2019 18:46

Our 15 Yr old has to bring tech down at 10.30 sun - thurs. Everything else is up to her, including getting up.

If you don't teach him to be independent with this, you will be doing it when he's 24!

I got her a sunrise alarm clock and slowly withdrew the morning wake up 'routine' . She gets herself up and out no problem now (as long as I don't initiate conversation or make eye contact).

It feels like only yesterday I was getting in bed with her to sing the wake up song while gently stroking her brow Grin

Starting the process with our 13yrold now.

FelixTitling · 28/03/2019 18:53

Re the bus.. You've got to let them make the odd mistake. Give him a chance or two, then taxi out of his own money, or other consequence, if he's late again.

DS loses his PS for a week if he's late. (losing it for less didn't work, and he was late a lot despite leaving on time)

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 28/03/2019 19:09

Everyone has given me much to think about. We talked about this with him today and starting it 2m. When I said why not tonight he said he didn’t want to be an adult today. Honestly. 🙄🙄🙄

OP posts:
beenhereages1 · 28/03/2019 20:04

@Dontgiveamonkeys1350 , I don't take DS's phone away. He's always fast asleep quickly - we go up to bed not long after him so I check- and I often have a quick peek at his phone in the morning ( when I go to wake him) and 99% of the time there's notifications going right back to 10pm the previous night so I know he hasn't been on it. He loves his sleep too much to waste it on his phone Grin

Springiscomingsoon · 28/03/2019 20:19

Let us know how you get on OP. I have similar. In the half terms he can do what he wants but always goes to bed late then has a lay in but this obv would work when they need to get up for school.

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 29/03/2019 06:23

He said he did want to stay up. Then we had moaning as I made him put his phone and iPad away at a certain time as he would normally do. He moaned about what he could do as he was then going to be bored. I said to read a book. Or do some revision. As u can guess none went down well and he was asleep at the normal time 😂

I did ask him what he wanted to do. And offered to get what he wanted. Or buy something. But no. It’s going to take time to figure out.

OP posts:
Hotterthanahotthing · 29/03/2019 06:34

I stopped taking my DDS phone away when she was 13,she said she didn't use it but I put a filter on at 10pm.
This year she is going to bed at 9.30-10 and studying hard before that,not because I told her but because a teacher said they need more sleep to do well in exams!
I expect normal service back to being a night owl to resume after exams but have been very pleasantly surprised.
I however need to put my phone down when I go to bed.

HarrySnotter · 29/03/2019 06:44

I have mixed feelings about this.

There are many benefits to children self regulating when it comes to bedtimes but, and it's a big but, it's often the children who do that are causing disruption in class.

So many kids in my school who seem to be permanently in trouble for disruption in lessons/lateness/rudeness (often because they're knackered) and they seem to be the ones up til god knows when playing on their Xbox or similar. When you talk to them about it they frequently tell you 'my mum doesn't bother, she lets me go when I like'. Mum always seems to get the blame. So there are two issues I think, the 'bedtime' and the use of technology, which seems to be the bigger problem.

FelixTitling · 29/03/2019 18:24

I agree @harrySnotter. I'm not bothered by bedtimes, but there are firm rules around tech. Paticularly my 13yr old who would play PS 24hrs a day if we let him.

greenpop21 · 29/03/2019 18:28

DD is 15. Feb Birthday. Bed at 9 on a school night-no phone in room.She can read past 9 bit is usually sound asleep by 10. Eldest is 18 and was much the same. They still don't have TVs anyway.

Vargas · 29/03/2019 18:35

My ds is 16yo, we start shooing him upstairs at around 9.30pm, he can stay up until 10pm if he's watching something (football match normally) but if he's just staring at Youtube then we tell him to go up and he can read. I have to practically drag him out of bed at 6.45am so I'm not keen for him to police his own bedtime, I think he'd stay up until very late (on a screen) if given the chance. I asked him the other day if he fell asleep straight away and he said yes, so I have no plans to change the rules.

DS doing GCSEs this year, plus a lot of sport so he needs his sleep. I can imagine it's very difficult to set the rules if they don't fall asleep quickly.

Vargas · 29/03/2019 18:37

and I agree it is the tech that is the problem, if DS wanted to sit up and read longer (or do practice papers Grin) then I would be a lot more flexible.

Skyejuly · 29/03/2019 18:39

Most teens that have a bed time will never be asleep for them anyway so I just let mine stay up
If they are so tired that usually teaches them a lesson.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/03/2019 18:45

Wow reading this thread makes me think we are quite strict. We have a rule as soon as dinner is ready Xbox/gaming is done for the day, usually this is around 6:30/7. Most nights we watch something together on telly after dinner or Reading/ YouTube. School weekdays DS in bed by 9:30 with option to read till 10:15 no phone allowed. Weekends and school holidays 11 in bed phone allowed so god knows what time he goes to sleep Smile I have never ever needed to wake him for school, he wakes and gets up with his alarm.

sauvignonblancplz · 29/03/2019 18:56

Teenagers are growing at an alarming rate and dealing with a lot- they really need sleep.
I’m agog that people let their kids “self-regulate” I’m calling it lazy parenting! Any wonder half the the teenagers walk around like zombies.
Get your kids to bed at a reasonable time - op you’re plan to implement this sounds more than reasonable until after his GCSES.
When he gets a part time job and is managing sixth form is the time to allow him to navigate his sleep.

greenpop21 · 29/03/2019 18:58

Parents NEED some alone time too!

greenpop21 · 29/03/2019 18:59

No phones in rooms at bedtimes. DD18.5 has recently thanked me for this.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/03/2019 19:41

greenpop21 I agree we live in a small 2 bedroom flat so need time in the evenings as well

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/03/2019 19:43

Oh I saw I didn't mention DS is 14yo

WickedGoodDoge · 29/03/2019 20:01

I have a 16 year old and 13 year old. The 13 year old puts herself to bed every night- I do tell the 16 year old to go to bed, but am not convinced he does so straight away!

I get both of them up in the morning because I need to drive them to their bus at 7:00. If they miss it, it’s a one hour drive into town for me plus a 40 minute drive back home and that’s not happening. Ever

DS does get himself up at the weekends for Park Run on Saturdays and swimming on Sundays and he stays up as late as he likes at the weekend.

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