Suicidal son

[BuildingBridges4]

I have an adult son who lives with us. He has suffered from severe depression for a long time now and has been out of work since he left Uni six years ago, apart from an 8 month part time job which he had to leave to relocate.
I am absolutely worn down with it and don't know what else I can do to help. GP has been useless. Lots of antidepressants, none worked. CBT, didn't work. I paid for counselling for a while which he found helpful up to a point but I can't afford to keep paying. The GP has referred him for in house counselling with a trainee once a month - that was useless too. He is in despair and i am at the end of my resources.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel so isolated and don't know what to do.

I didn’t want to ‘read and run’ OP. I’m sorry you are having such a worrying time. I’m glad counselling helped your son and I completely appreciate the strain if meeting the cost. Many therapists will negotiate their fees, particularly if it’s a case of need and they have built a good relationship with the client. I’m not sure how any counselling that is only once a month could really be of much help; you do need more regular contact. I also think you could do with some support for yourself. It’s clear you love your son and want to help him, but it seems to be at great emotional cost to you. Does he have friends? Does he have other support he could be encouraged to access other than you?

Didn't want to read and run either OP. I really feel for you and your son. Crafty is right in that most therapists are open to a little bit of negotiation especially in an emergency case. Having worked in and struggled with mental health I understand how utterly frustrating it can be when there are no resources. If he is in despair and suicidal, I'm not sure where you are posting from, but in Ireland sometimes the only option when someone is suicidal is an emergency service. It is by no means ideal but if it ever becomes necessary then please don't be afraid to use it. Again, this is only my experience of it and based on where you are it could be very different. Are there any mental health support groups in your area? If possible try to get support for yourself too maybe through a support group or GP (although from what you've posted this might not be an option). I really hope you do get the help you both need.

May be a long shot but in my area there are ecotherapy projects that help some people with MH problems, is this something worth looking into for him?

Ok so first call your local crisis team for advice, then call Mind, they are really good and have drop in sessions that he can attend when he feels better. The best thing to do is not to push him. Try and get him to take tiny steps, so making a cup of tea, having a shower, watching a funny film. The thing with antidepressants is that they take 6 weeks minimum to work and it can take a while to find ten right one. Also call the Samaritans, they are amazing. CBT I found useless, talking therapy was better. Sometimes it just takes time, I spent 4 weeks in January like that, not leaving the house, not washing etc then one day I just got up! And slowly things got better. I will say that you need to push and push with the Drs, get a second opinion and if you can try and get them to refer you to a psychiatrist. If you can afford it go private, even for one session. If you want to PM me I am happy to talk and help, I have a lot of experience in this area xx

Has he attempted suicide? Does he have a plan? X

I'm also happy to give you my number if you want to talk x

My son went through an awful time a few years ago and to cut a long story short what greatly helped him was 5htp.

5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) is a chemical by-product of the protein building block L-tryptophan. It is also produced commercially from the seeds of an African plant known as Griffonia simplicifolia 5-HTP is used for sleep disorders such as insomnia, depression, anxiety, migraine and tension-type headaches, fibromyalgia, obesity, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), seizure disorder, and Parkinson's disease.

work?
5-HTP works in the brain and central nervous system by increasing the production of the chemical serotonin. Serotonin can affect sleep, appetite, temperature, sexual behavior, and pain sensation. Since 5-HTP increases the synthesis of serotonin, it is used for several diseases where serotonin is believed to play an important role including depression, insomnia, obesity, and many other conditions.

Depression. Some clinical research shows that taking 5-HTP by mouth improves symptoms of depression. Several studies have found that doses of 150-3000 mg daily for 2-4 weeks can improve symptoms of depression. Some early research shows that 5-HTP might be as beneficial as conventional antidepressant therapy for some people.

Not to be taken with some prescribed medications.

Have a read up on it with your son and see if you think it might help him as it did my son.

I have PMD you x

Thanks for the replies. I am in the Uk. The Crisis Team were called a couple of years ago. All they did was tell him to go on antidepressants. He has been to the doctor many times. He has no friends at all and is isolating himself from the family too. He does atttand a support group once a fortnight. That’s it. I have no idea what’s going on in his head anymore. He does have helpline numbers.

I take 5HTP and have found it very helpful for myself. I had wondered about whether it would help my son.

Also I have asked several therapists if they can offer lower rates for him. They all say their low cost slots are filled already. He did see someone for a whike who didn’t turn up twice!

I’m sorry to hear you and your son have had that experience with therapists not turning up, OP. It may be worth asking if therapists whose low cost spaces are full if they have colleagues prepared to work on that basis. Or if there is any low cost /free agency counselling available via a charity (though they do have waiting lists).

Yes I’m looking into this now. He had to make the approach though. I think he finds it hard to take action as he’s mentally very unfocused at times.

I don't know a great deal about depression so I am sorry if this is useless. Was just wondering if getting involved in volunteering would help him to start leaving the house, meeting people, feeling part of a group, getting back some self worth, having something else to focus on. Maybe volunteering abroad on a building project, doing some physical activity. Is this something that could help?

I'm so so sorry to hear this. The agony you are in is awful. It's a version of hell.

Are you getting counselling and support? Exercise healthy diet etc? You need to be as well supported as possible as you are holding two human beings together, you and your DS.

What makes you think the antidepressants don't work for him? I know it's a crap question sorry. Did he take enough and for long enough? Do you know for certain he was taking them every single day? I'm asking just in case there's an "obvious" reason for them it to work.

Have you thought about changing your GP practice? In case there's a better Gp elsewhere?

Have you got him to attend as many support groups as possible, if he goes to one perhaps he'd go to more.

I'm so sorry OP. Xx

It's actually so helpful to receive these messages thank you. In answer to the questions, he has tried several types of antidepressants, but admitted himself he doesn't always remember to take them. At times there were two types lying around his bedroom and I am not even sure he was taking one type consistently. The doctor won't talk to me about him without his permission. He has given his permission in the past but we have moved GP and he now doesn't want to give permission. He has had several different GPs because we have moved areas several times.
He has volunteered in the past and this is how he got a part time job for several months. He's now looking at it again, and doing very occasional hours. He needs to be out of the house as much as possible. If I ask him questions or push him it makes his anxiety worse so I am in a cleft stick. I either butt out and just worry incessantly or try to help and invariably get it wrong or he is resentful about me being controlling. If we push him to sign on he lies to us. If we push him to do more volunteering he will come up with all sorts of things he is 'looking into'. i have no idea what to do or how to approach it and I've run out of the energy to keep trying. I try to look after myself, but it is increasingly difficult as I become more exhausted and demotivated. It is a life sentence, and I worry so much about what will happen when we are no longer around to care for him.
We (husband and myself) attend a support group for carers which is helpful, but there isn't much opportunity to speak as it's quite poorly managed.

My son went to a second support group himself but walked out as he was not being given the opportunity to speak and was being over-rided by someone else, so it doesn't sound like that group was well managed either.
We have contacted MIND, and all sorts of other charities, but there really doesn't seem to be much practical support for him, a bit more for us.
I find I can't bear to hear about other people's successful children anymore, so I find it harder and harder to socialise myself. We have moved to a new area where we don't know anyone, so really all of us are isolated, and it's a struggle.
Antidepressants seem to make my son worse rather than better. He sleeps all the time or is much more aggressive.

I'm sorry you are all suffering like this. It really is a living hell.

I really think that it sounds like your son has struggled to grow roots in his life and the constant moving from place to place has made him a bit detached and not part of anything. Tablets alone won't help with this.

I think he needs to be forced out into the community to get involved in something, anything and he'll naturally improve his mood. If he's mid twenties this may be difficult for you to force on him but if I were you I'd refuse to facilitate him being a hermit any more.

Restrict the WiFi at home, remove the computer, essentially make home life not quite as comfortable and easy as he's become accustomed to.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Continuing to allow him to live as he is is essentially driving him deeper into depression where it'll become a habit to feel down and helpless and he'll forget how to be 'normal' again. Perhaps he could present at his local housing office for single accommodation?

I hope things improve for you all.

There may be undiagnosed neurodevelopmental issues underlying his depression. Have a read up on ADHD/ADD/ high functioning autism and see if any of it rings any bells. Good luck to you both.

I’m glad you have access to a carers’ group, OP. You sound exhausted. I’ll say this very gently: as long as you do things that allow your son to avoid any challenges, he will continue to do so. Depression is a truly horrible thing; it is a physical as well as a mental illness, and I am absolutely not advocating ‘tough love’. I am suggesting he has some responsibility for choosing to take medication, for investigating therapy, or claiming benefits. He clearly needs support to do these things, and believe me I do know that just getting washed and dressed some days is like climbing a mountain when you are depressed. You seem to be stuck in a cycle of doing ‘for’ him as he is so low in energy, but that is eroding your energy and allowing him to stay stuck. It’s not sustainable for you to support him financially for example. If he is entitled to benefits, he needs to be claiming them. What’s the communication like between you? Can you talk to him about small steps towards doing a little more each day?

If the gp won't talk to you, you could write them a letter.
It is virtually impossible to get any help for anyone over 18 with mental health problems.
I am so sorry you are in this position.

I have PM'd you

Does he actually want to be helped or to get better? I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but if does want help and to get better it makes it easier to suggest things to try. Very difficult otherwise. Is there anything you could suggest under the guise of him doing something for you? eg go for a walk, saying you'd like his company. This could possibly build up to a regular event, then a longer walk etc. Would he be responsive to doing the think of '3 positive things' each day (and record them) which is supposed to help change negative mindsets.

I’ve had MH problems for years, including suicidal periods. Is your son actively suicidal at the moment ie does he have plans? Because if he does I would be calling the GP to let them know, it doesn’t matter whether you have permission from your son to do so or not.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but maybe laying down some boundaries might help motivate your son. He’s living with and presumably off you, and not making much effort to do anything to improve his situation. As keeping things at his GP confidential doesn’t seem to be working maybe allowing you to support him at the GP at a very basic level might help, as a condition of your ongoing practical support. It sounds like there is no give and take in your relationship, only give from your side, and even though he is unwell it does not have to be so one sided.

My parents and ex had very basic permissions to discuss things/exchange info with my MH team eg they couldn’t know details of what medication I was on, or if I’d harmed myself, but could ask how I was doing, attend parts of meetings and were allowed to discuss their concerns with medical staff.

If he’s not remembering to take medication it isn’t going to have any benefit- the first step would be to get a dosset box and some reminders set on his phone/Alexa if you have it to take them. Really, if he’s not any better after 6 years and is suicidal then a referral to the mental health team is necessary.

Has your son thought about supported living? A close relative with severe long term MH issues got a place with a supporting letter from the doctor.

We found that from there, other doors opened as she got priority for other services. In her house, they have support workers who help them with accessing services, their benefits and gaining independence over the course of a few years. Some housing associations offer this, one of the main ones is Sanctuary. It might also take the pressure off your if it was something that might be suitable

Thank you for the responses, they are very supportive.
@CallmeRachel
Yes, you are right. This is the problem really, I realise we are enabling his behaviour but if we push too hard his anxiety becomes unmanageable or we get into conflict situations. I have been through removing Wifi, restricting things etc in the past. i used to turn it off at night and take it away during the day for periods. However whilst he was working we stopped doing that, and i have fallen out of the habit. It's so exhausting playing policeman with a grown man.
He has signed on in the past when we have pushed and pushed for it, but then we have to push and push for him to give us some of it. He is put under pressure to prove he's looking for work, which he is, but probably not at the rate the DHS expects. The pressure in itself makes him worse. He can't cope with stress really.
I have had advice about supported housing, but i need to get the social work department involved, which seems like a huge thing. I also heard a programme on the radio which scared the living daylights out of me. People who had been put into shared houses with people with serious issues , and then not being checked on supported properly. One man was not eating, and someone else was living in appalling conditions. It gives me some reassurance to know he is at least eating and living in a clean house. However I realise that the situation isn't sustainable for us. We are exhausted and can't live our lives for ourselves.Something needs to happen.
It probably sounds like my so isn't trying - he really is. He is going to the GP and to the support group. He's trying to engage with various things and is doing some volunteering, but his resources are very low and his self esteem is non existent.
He was on the autistic spectrum as a child, and yes there is some sort of developmental issue I think. He is dyspraxia for example, so finds it difficult to organise himself and isn't very practical.
This situation has been going on for about nine years now, at varying levels. The moves have not helped. He has lost his school friends and missed out on a normal life for so long now it's hard for him to relate to people his own age. It is heart breakingly sad really.
I'm going to the doctor myself tomorrow, so will try to fit in a discussion about him, but I don't know which doctor he has seen, so the doctor I will see will probably know nothing about it. Doesn't help that i can't get an appointment for weeks anyway.
He desperately does want to be helped to get better. He has been to the GP himself many times to beg for help, but they have nothing to offer beyond medication and CBT.

Loneliness and isolation are the issues, lack of independence and self esteem. Medication cannot help with that and talking therapies are only so much use. He needs to feel like a valuable part of the community, but there is no community and he has no realistic chance of getting any sort of job when his CV is so lamentably sparse.