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Original poster

What do I make of this co worker's messages?

30 replies

Monkeybusiness2 · 23/03/2019 14:59

I'm a divorcee mum with three children and work in the education sector. I've been happily on my own since I left h nearly 4 years ago and am not interested in meeting anyone etc...
Anyway, I work in a lovely team and we get on well. There is one guy who I 'thought' was a really nice, genuine guy but definitely nothing else nor have I ever done/said anything to indicate this.
He's on my FB (which I don't go on much tbh) as are my other co workers and has never really messaged me.
So night before last he messaged me asking how I was etc, I replied and asked about work as I thought maybe there had been a problem. This is about 11pm and I am just getting off to bed. He ended up saying he couldn't sleep so I asked if he was OK etc..then he went on to say 'the only thing that is bothering me is that I can't sleep, I'm too warm and I only have shorts on'. I nearly died and swiftly ended the convo!
I thought tbh he was probably drunk and didn't know what he was on about but yesterday evening about the same time he texted again 'Hi, how are you?'. I ignored it and replied this morning with an 'ok thanks'.

What should I make of this? I feel pretty awkward going in to work now Monday and trying to totally ignore it all. I'm not going to say anything to anyone as I don't want to start any gossip. One part of me thinks I'm just reading into it too much and he's probably drunk/trying to be friendly, the other part of me thinks quite literally (ewww).

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/03/2019 15:02

Is this guy married?

Original poster
Monkeybusiness2 · 23/03/2019 15:03

No Hollow he is not. Bit younger than me and no kids etc.

OP posts:
Saucery · 23/03/2019 15:04

Unfriend and Block him for a start. If he mentions it at work say you do not want to discuss it, will not be discussing it further with him and will put in a formal complaint about him if he persists.
He’s a sleaze who thought he was in with a chance.

ScreamingValenta · 23/03/2019 15:05

I'd be tending towards the ewww. Late night messages discussing what he's wearing in bed sound like at the very least, an attempt to initiate flirting. If you're not interested then keep things distant and professional with him and don't reply to any more messages sent during the night.

crosspelican · 23/03/2019 15:07

Gross. Unfriendly him & block. Don't allude to it again, but if he persists even with the pretty clear response of unfriendimg & blocking, mention it to HR or head/assistant head if you're a teacher.

Thisisthelaststraw · 23/03/2019 15:07

Be blunt straight away to his face. He’s made you uncomfortable and his late night texts are unwanted.

Hey ‘whatshisface’,
Give it a rest with the late night texts will ye and also I don’t need to know what you’re wearing!” Say it with a dismissive half-smile like it’s weird and unwanted but you’re not falling out.

Original poster
Monkeybusiness2 · 23/03/2019 15:09

Thanks both, That's how I feel but thought maybe I was a bit OTT. He is rather large and often has a builders bum on show with greasy hair. The thought of it all is just Hmm.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 23/03/2019 15:13

He's a slime ball.
Block and if he asks why tell him that!
It is not acceptable behaviour and he is lucky you haven't repaired him.

Original poster
Monkeybusiness2 · 23/03/2019 15:17

Thank you - I hope he has got the message. I'm sorry as it's definitely going to impact the working relationship which unfortunately is in the same class. :( .

OP posts:
smallereveryday · 23/03/2019 15:21

Ffs . Some of these replies... Are you all five yrs old ? Or logging in from the 1750s ? Surely you cannot be soooooo offended by one adult Male (that the OP has said she likes) attempting to flirt (a bit crassly) . Why thee hell does everything have to be so bloody dramatic. The poor bloke hasn't exactly crawled through an upstairs window uninvited and demanded sex ! He has attempted to put some feelers out to see if OP is interested.

Op as a full grown adult female is surely capable of SPEAKING to this colleague , to let him know that she is not interested. You know, like normal people, in an actual conversation. No drama required.

Not everyone is 'abusive' , a 'stalker' or 'inappropriate '.
You don't need to 'unfriend' or 'block' . Just speak to him.

I despair.

mrswishywashy1 · 23/03/2019 15:23

What she said 👆

Wellcolourmehappy · 23/03/2019 15:24

Well said smallereveryday, exactly what I was thinking!

FriarTuck · 23/03/2019 15:25

I'm with smaller - formal complaints, mention to HR?? No, you say to him 'no more late night texts thanks, I'm not interested'. Like adults do.

DeadCertain · 23/03/2019 15:32

Agree with smallereverday too; it sounds like a blundering attempt at gauging interest to me, easily solved with a quick conversation.

Oldraver · 23/03/2019 15:40

It's a stupid man whose first time flirting starts..I can't sleep, I'm too warm and only have shorts on...Totally out of order.

Tell him to take a cold shower if he needs cooling down

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 23/03/2019 15:40

I don't think he's really done anything wrong. He likes you and is trying to get you to flirt back with him, though he's not very good at it. He hasn't said anything awful.
If you're really put off by him, just ignore the messages and hopefully he'll get the picture.

notacooldad · 23/03/2019 16:07

Those that are dismissing it are minimising how intrusive and uncomfortable it can make people feel.
Our line manager would escalate this if she found one of the team had been this intrusive to a teM mate.
Sure he is putting feelers out to see if she is interested but at that time of night discussing night wear is not on at all. He could have had a catch up on break or a chat after work or something.

smallereveryday · 23/03/2019 16:53

It's neither 'intrusive' or 'uncomfortable' to receive a message on social media from someone you know ! How on EARTH do you people ever form relationships if someone sending a message makes you feel this way ???

If he had send a dick pic /sexual talk /made presumptive suggestions THEN you might have a point. He didn't! He simply tried to engage in a flirty manner rather ineptly.

I presume that as the OP is old enough and wise enough to have conceived and raised children, she is probably quite capable of saying 'Hey John what's the late night messaging about - I'm not a big texter and I'm not looking for a relationship with anyone right now. '

There we go. No one 'offended' . Problem solved without any need for drama .

YogaWannabe · 23/03/2019 16:57

Ugh, vom

notacooldad · 23/03/2019 17:06

It's neither 'intrusive' or 'uncomfortable' to receive a message on social media from someone you know
Not from your mate it wouldnt be but from a colleague at that time if night taking about being in bed is not on!
I'd quite happy to tell a colleague to do one but funny enough creeps like this often target people were they think there night be a weakness eg single mums, people just out of a relationship and hurt.
I know I'm old and cynical but I cant be doing with this behaviour. If he's putting the feelers out fine but chat in break time, lunch time, as work finishes, not send unsolicited messages when he's on bed.

Wellcolourmehappy · 23/03/2019 17:13

Not dismissing it at all but as far as we know from the OP a colleague who she has always thought of as " a really nice genuine guy" who works with her as part of "a lovely team" has messaged her one evening and as part of the conversation has mentioned thst he can't sleep as he's too hot even though he's wearing shorts ( which apparently must mean underwear even though that hasn't been specified ). Hes then messaged her again the following evening received no response and left it.Suddenly he's some sexual deviant that she needs to report. Maybe he's just a friendly guy who whilst browsing Facebook saw that the OP was online and thinking they had a good relationship thought " Oh I'll have a chat with Monkeybusiness2 " and was just having a moan about how hot he was even though he was wearing shorts. Or he fancies Monkeybusiness2 and was a bit shy/scared /embarrassed to make the first move face to face so tried a bit of clumsy flirting online or he is a disgusting human being trying to force his advances on her. Yet a high portion of posters have immediately jumped to the third conclusion and suggest reporting him which could hinder his career and position at work when all he was doing (from what we know) was chatting. Obviously if he continues with the late night messages then it would need to be treated more seriously.But she doesn't say that he's been pestering her with messages , she hasn't said to him I'm finding this uncomfortable but he's carried on. How is he supposed to know that she has found (what was to him) a chat between two colleagues unsettling?
What's uncomfortable to one person is normal to another- I'm just saying give him a chance ,either ignore the messages or speak to him but don't assume that he's some sexual reprobate from a couple of messages. He could be feeling just as awkward now realising that you don't see him that way - whether as a friend to message with in the evening or as a romantic partner.
However if he does become more sexually explicit or persistent- then report him immediately!!

floribunda18 · 23/03/2019 17:15

Well I think it's intrusive and inappropriate. You don't just randomly out of the blue send texts/PMs to colleagues at 11pm at night, quickly escalating to telling them what you are wearing in bed. Fucking sleazy weirdo.

sackrifice · 23/03/2019 17:18

Professional boundaries.

Block him if you haven't already and if he asks why, just say that he overstepped professional boundaries and his messages were inappropriate.

QueenofallIsee · 23/03/2019 18:42

I think that if you have colleagues on your personal social media, it’s not a large leap to assume that initiating outside work contact is not necessarily inappropriate. He has not done anything aggressive and you ignoring is reasonable. It’s an HR matter only if it escalates in my opinion

TeaForTheWin · 23/03/2019 18:53

He was putting the feelers out to see if you were interested. Obviously by interested I mean 'interested in a bit of fun time' because if he wanted to say, date you, he would have asked you out like a normal person...not texted you at 11 at night and telling you he is 'hot' in his 'shorts'. It's eww. But provided he has got the message and doesn't continue to try his luck, it isn't a big deal. If he does continue, you gotta be firm with him like other people have said. Sometimes...certain sorts will take wishy washy politeness as a green light to continue to creep so don't be slow to say 'sorry dude, not interested' or to block his number.