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Original poster

Worried about dd

32 replies

Anymom · 22/03/2019 22:26

My dd is 12, almost 13. She has some mild learning difficulties and is struggling in school. She is quite vulnerable and is eager to make friends.
She has a mobile phone that I've always monitored. I have seen some messages that have worried me regarding an 16 year old male. Suggesting that they meet up and other messages from a friend asking if she is still sleeping with him. There is also a message to say shes slept with him.
I've spoken to dd and she insists she made everything up to impress her friends. She was very upset and begging me not to tell anyone. She said she doesn't even know the boy that well.
Now I'm really concerned about all of this but not sure what to do. Dd insists she was just making it all up and I dont want to get the boy into trouble if it is just a lie. But I'm so worried and can't stop thinking about this. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 22/03/2019 22:29

I don't know her obviously, but it does sound like she has tried to exaggerate things to look more cool. It's a shame that teens feel they have to do this. She will be mortified if you contact him I think.
I hope this is the case anyway!

HollowTalk · 22/03/2019 22:32

What she's said to her friend wouldn't worry me. What would concern me is this boy. Is he someone she actually knows, or is he an online friend? If he's someone at school then I would report it there.

Smotheroffive · 22/03/2019 22:33

She's 12? Sounds like she needs to be around different friends if she's feeling under pressure to lie like this at her age. It sounds gross.

I would flag it to teachers and have the 16 yo flagged up if he's actually hanging around her age group, even on social media.

I've know girls be coerced into sex that age, easily, through male expectation and peer pressure to do what 'everyone' is doing.

Keep talking to her about how upsetting and uncomfortable it must be for her feeling she has to lie to be accepted. It feels quite bullying that she wouldn't feel accepted otherwise. Do you know her social group?

Can you forge some healthier friendships through others/groups/activities?

Do the healthy versus toxic friendships talk. Watch TV and compare notes (mean girls stuff)

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Families
Thistles24 · 22/03/2019 22:43

I’d also be concerned for the boy. If word gets out at the school presumably he’d be guilty until proven innocent, and could be life altering for him if it’s just a lie she’s made up to impress friends.

Original poster
Anymom · 22/03/2019 22:48

Apparently she knows him from getting on the school bus, he is in the sixth form. Lately she has been mixing with some older girls in school and there is a message from one of them encouraging her to get with him.
Im really in two minds if I should mention it to school. I don't want this boy to get into trouble if he is innocent but dd does have a history of lying to me, so I'm not sure I can 100% trust what she tells me.

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Original poster
Anymom · 22/03/2019 23:11

I've just realised if he is in the sixth form he must be older than 16 musnt he? Gosh I'm so worried. Why would the older girl be encouraging her to get with him? Surely he wouldn't be interested in a 12 year old? Something just doesn't seem right here.

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WyfOfBathe · 22/03/2019 23:16

I've just realised if he is in the sixth form he must be older than 16 musnt he?
6th formers are age 16-18 generally. So he could be 16, but still definitely too old to be "dating" etc a 12 year old.

I think it's quite likely that she is just making things up to impress her friends. However, I'd be worried about the influence of the older girls. Either they don't see a problem with a 12 year old sleeping with a 16 year old, or they think it's funny to build up a vulnerable younger student's hopes so that she can be humiliated when rejected.

Are there actually messages between your DD and this boy on her phone, or are they just messages about the boy to other girls/same age friends?

Original poster
Anymom · 22/03/2019 23:29

There are messages between dd and the boy. Nothing to suggest anything has taken place but he has messaged her on a few different occasions asking how she is etc.
The thing that worries me is that she has messaged him asking to come and get her from lessons. He's put he needs to be careful as he doesn't want to get her into trouble.

I've just looked at his Instagram account and it appears he is 18.

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HarrietSchulenberg · 22/03/2019 23:55

Tell school and ask them to investigate. If school's not helpful, speak with the police.
Just because his Instagram says he's 18 it doesn't mean he actually is. He could have made up an advanced birthdate when he was younger to get an account before he was 13.

NuffSaidSam · 23/03/2019 00:02

I'd talk with DD again and stress the importance of the truth.

If they have slept together, the police need to be involved.

If they haven't and you report it then it's going to be messy and uncomfortable for everyone and ultimately it will be DD who gets in trouble.

Would she have had time and opportunity to sleep with him? Does she socialise with him? Does she go out when you don't know where she is/who she's with?

Original poster
Anymom · 23/03/2019 00:03

Oh that's helpful to know Re Instagram age, I hadn't thought of that.

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Original poster
Anymom · 23/03/2019 00:15

This is the third time I've spoken to her about it and she is still certain nothing has happened. Each time I've asked her she has been in tears. The trouble is, she has lied to me before and insisted she hasn't done something when in actual fact she has.
No dd is not allowed out unless I know where she is etc. Never allowed out at night etc. There are only 2 occasions I can think of that anything could of happened.
The first time she was at a friends house and they went to the park and met up with the older girls. She came home with ripped leggings and covered in mud and said she fell etc.
The second time she walked out of school at lunch time to bunk off and met up with an older girl and this boy. This time she was gone roughly about 2 hours maximum.
These are the only occasions that I can think of.

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NuffSaidSam · 23/03/2019 00:33

In that case I think you need to definitely talk to the school. Bunking off to meet up with him isn't great!

They also need to talk to these older girls who are encouraging her to sleep with him!

Whether it happened or not it sounds like the 6th form could do with a chat about age of consent and how even though they're all at the same school, some pupils are children and some are adults and they need to stick to the other adults when it comes to dating of any kind.

BlackPrism · 23/03/2019 00:52

In the sixth form it would be very very weird for any boy to be talking to a 12 Yr old unless they were tutoring them or in a club together. My friends would've battered any of us who were thought to be sleeping with a 12yo.

Flag it, even if it's all in innocence it's not normal. He should have friends closer to his age.

TinselAndKnickers · 23/03/2019 00:55

If his Instagram bio says that he's 18, he will most definitely be 18. I would be telling your daughter the legal side of things and that it's wrong in that sense etc.

Definitely could do with flagging up as assemblies for different year groups on consent as PP mentioned sounds like they are needed!

BlackPrism · 23/03/2019 00:56

And agreed, instagram doesn't show a 'filled in age' you have to put it there yourself. So the account may think he's 22 and he's actually 18 and has written 18.

Original poster
Anymom · 23/03/2019 01:11

So would the age on instagram be accurate? Sorry I don't use it very often.
Blackprism - dd used to have an intervention delivered by a sixth form student actually. I'd not thought of that.
Gosh, this is such a mess.

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 23/03/2019 01:19

If an age is written on his profile, it means that's how old he is OP, as people choose to display their age on it and Instagram doesn't automatically do it.

Hoping this resolves soon for you Thanks

Original poster
Anymom · 23/03/2019 01:22

Thanks tinsel.

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NuffSaidSam · 23/03/2019 01:24

It means he typed it in, but it doesn't mean it's correct. He could put any age.

Don't get too caught up in his exact age though. It doesn't really matter at the moment does it? Whether he's 16, 17 or 18 it's not on for him to be sleeping with a 12 year old. It's not on for older girls to be encouraging your DD sleep with him. It's not on for them to be bunking off school and meeting up. All of its wrong at any age 16-18.

Original poster
Anymom · 23/03/2019 02:03

That's the problem though, I don't know if they have had sex and I'm worried what will happen if I involve the school.
I feel sick thinking about it all. Dd is vulnerable and the thought of her getting mixed up in all of this terrifies me.

OP posts:
NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 23/03/2019 02:38

Worried about what?

Part of the schools job is to safegaurd all pupils but almost especially the vunerable ones like your DD.

Its already been pointed out that the age on his profile is his actual age. The school need to know that its 18 year old students are protentially taking advantage of the year 7's. And this miximg with older girls, is concerning. Well nornally it wouldmt be, but if their egging your daughter on.

Yes the worryomg thing is shes skipping school to meet this boy. This is a safegaurding concern

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 23/03/2019 07:37

If he's replying to her on social media, he may be a mentor, or something less savoury. Either way, the OP's DD needs to break off contact. If you can find out which it is, approach the boy directly, show him the Sexual Offences Act 2003, and tell him he is at risk as well. If you can't, or he minimises, tell the school.

Ewanthepossessedsheep · 23/03/2019 08:30

I feel that you are under reacting to this, but then I have experience of a situation like this, and yes I think it sounds very much like she has had sex with this boy. Don't want to go into too much outing detail on MN, but unfortunately none of this surprises me,and yes, there are older boys who would happily have sex with a child this age. Perverts have to start somewhere I suppose. In fact if you'd posted this a few years ago, I'd assume you were talking about the same people and events. The ripped and muddy leggings are a sign too-they've been having sex in the park. The bunking off, tick. Even the harem of older girl enablers, tick. She'll lie until she's blue in the face,so I wouldn't be holding your breath for some big reveal. You need to act now and get the school involved. She is a vulnerable child, and he's grooming her. Take her phone away from her for a start, or at least her internet access, put everything on lockdown as much as possible. Screenshot all the messages first and send them to yourself. In your shoes, if I'm honest, I'd start looking for another school so she's away from these people. But you need to take this further asap

meiisme · 23/03/2019 09:11

By not discussing it with the school you're protecting him over your DD. Either it didn't happen and DD is in over her head with these older kids, doing things she shouldn't be doing and not able to keep herself safe. Or it did happen and she is not able to keep herself safe. Either way someone needs to step in and distance her from the older group.

You don't have to go in accusing him of all sorts. Just tell school what you've seen, that DD says it never happened but that she has lied to you before and either way she is pulled/pushed into things that aren't good for her. It's true that you don't know what the outcome will be if you go to school. But you know that if you don't intervene DD will continue to get into unsafe situations.

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