I need a god excuse to cancel a meal out with family.

[crosser62]

I had half arranged a meal out for myself, my kids and dh, my 2 sisters and their kids and my mum as s mother’s day and belated mums birthday.
My sister (who is quite mad and very VERY hard work) has upset my mum.
She does it all the time but doesn’t realise it, or does realise it but doesn’t care.
My mum told me that she wants me to cancel the meal she doesn’t want to go.

So, it’s gone to me to break this off to my mad, very aggressive, very angry, very hard work sister without causing uproar.

Any ideas?

A holy water sprinkle would send her head spinning.. I kid you not.

You need to go NC with the old dragon and tell your mum to do the same!! She won't ever change if you tolerate her ways.

Tertiary syphilis. Works for me!

Your mum is being unfair to expect you to deal with this. If she’s so unpleasant then why don’t you go nc? I certainly wouldn’t be making excuses.

Would your mum consider going NC? It must be really stressful for her.

I can understand her asking you to deal with it rather than confronting your sister herself. If you rarely see your sister then any fallout coming your way won't affect you in the same way it would your mum.

Does your sister have MH problems?

She's going to have a strop whatever you say to her.

No mh problems.
She has just always been viciously angry, confrontational, opinionated, stubborn and intolerant of anything and everything.
She hates everything and everyone and will not listen to anything as she knows everything and it all.

She has no friends and is an absolute nightmare to work with, sacked from every job.

She has absolutely no concept of upsetting people but worse of all, does not care.
I have been embarrassed by her too many times over the years.
We walk on egg shells with her. Even normal chit chat ends in her loosing her shit and ripping the head off whoever she is talking to.

My mum got an absolute mouthful because she said she didn’t need anything for her birthday. Sister went bazerk.
Lunatic.

Shingles

It's funny really that she keeps in such regular contact with you all! Does she just turn up? It sounds like a nightmare, though. Do you ever get time with your mum on your own?

What would happen if you said, "Don't talk to mum like that. You really upset her and she's always good to you and getting on now. Be nicer to her, ffs"?

Just send a message:

"Sorry everyone, Change of plan, it doesn't work out on Mother's Day after all. Have a great day whatever you do"

And then invite your poor Mum over for lunch or do something else with her.

I would tell your Mum to put the phone down on her and block her if she starts that haranguing again. If your Mum wouldn't have stood it from your DSis when she was a child she shouldn't have to put up with it now.

Or

"Good news, I have won a day out with lunch, tickets and champagne for 5 (including kids) on mother's day and Mum's always wanted to go there. So is it OK if I take her to that, and we can re-arrange for her birthday for some other time? Have a great day, everone"

Please, please don't cancel the restaurant on the day.

There was a whole article last year about no-shows and cancellations on Mothers Day nearly breaking restaurants. They can't fill empty spaces with walk-ups because no one chances that on mother's day, so they end up with wasted food and huge losses on profits.

Yours is a big party. It isn't their fault you have a toxic sister. Let them know.

Agreed. If you're going to cancel, do it now. Then the restaurant has got time to fill the table again. And yes, book a table somewhere else for dm and your own family.

Why can’t you just cut her off? Personally I would work on simply calmly ignoring her vitriol, or vague comments delivered smiling like indeed / I’m sorry you feel that way / it just shows you doesn’t it? / how is your blood pressure these days / everything is a choice you know , but I appreciate that’s hard . So just drop off contact , book dinner and don’t invite her/ tell her it’s on.

Can’t you just cut your sister adrift? So what if she starts going off on one just refuse to engage.

I hadn’t booked anywhere as I kind of knew this would happen.

No help for this year but next time just keep shtum and don't invite her.

Your poor mum. Having rtft, I think the best thing to do is to try and persuade your DM to use either criminal or civil harassment law to get her away from the whole family. Would I be right in thinking she has a tendency to smash stuff when she's raging, or making threats or violence? You only need two events to establish a course of conduct, or one of physical harm is threatened.

"Can't get us booked into any of places Mum wants to go to so it's cancelled"

Stop walking on eggshells. Walk away or hang up if she kicks off. If she continues then block her number. Why should everyone have to tiptoe round her and her awful behaviour? Because it doesn’t solve the problem.

On a completely different front.. do you and your mum often talk about how awful your sister is? Did you do this a lot growing up?

I hope you all go just without the dsis. Your dm deserves a treat!
Tell her a change of venue then stand her up. All block her!!
*joke.

Nothing's booked yet so just book something without sister?

It's starting to seem quite a drama over nothing.

I'm another one who thinks it's quite shocking and very poor that your mum is expecting you to be the go-between here - the fact she does, and that you think that's normal and reasonable, makes me wonder if the family dynamic is a bit more complicated than the 'everyone else fine, sister world's worst person' narrative you give here - I'm sure she is very difficult and unpleasant, but I wonder if an outsider would find it as inexplicable as you all do