How do explain gender to your children?

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

DS is in reception and is currently a bit obsessed with being/not being a girl.

He (sometimes) wants to dress in skirts and wear his hair like a girl with bows. He has been asking if he was a boy or girl when he was born.

I’m not assuming there’s anything more significant to this than him being a curious 4 year old. But I don’t feel I’ve got any good answers to why he can’t wear a skirt at school etc. And where to draw the line with letting him dress up how he wants.

Help?

There is no good answer as to why boys can't wear skirts and it's one area where boys and men are disadvantaged compared with women.

No-one bats an eyelid if a woman wears a dress or trousers, is a nurse or a soldier or a girl plays with dolls or trains. Boys and men don't currently have that freedom as there will always be a significant minority who would comment about boys and men doing things that are seen as 'female'.

But wearing a skirt doesn't make him a girl but I don't know how to explain negative stereotypes such as skirts and dolls as female and trousers and trains and male to a 4 YO.

Tell him clothes are just something you put on your body.
That when we are born our bodies are given bits by nature, they grow so we're look like a mummy or a daddy
That if he wore a skirt to school people might not like it, but he can wear bright colours if it makes him happy.

Tell him he is a boy, so he can’t ever be a girl. However, this doesn’t mean he can’t wear whatever he wants to.
In some places though, such as schools, they have different uniforms for boys and girls, and only the girls wear skirts to school.

I remind mine that boys can pee standing up, whilst their sisters cannot! I remind them to be proud of being a boy, and all the achievements made by men which they can do to.

It's hard, because I do find it so much easier to be a girl these days - they can wear anything they want, do anything they want. There are girl-only so many things, the boys don't really understand. We keep telling them that they must never put a hand on a girl, but little girls fight just as hard, so they struggle to understand why they never allowed to defend themselves.

My daughters have it much easier, but once they grow up and realise that girls are also cursed with periods and things like that, they understand things even out a bit.

To be fair there aren't any good reasons why boys can't wear skirts to school if they want - in my view the rules need updating.
The difference between boys and girls is different shaped bodies, that when you grow up, can do some different things.
Other than that, we are all individual people and we can express ourselves how we want to - other people may react in different ways but that is other peoples' issues, not ours.

Penis/testicles and vulva/vaginas. That’s the basic difference as far as I’d go to telling my children. Some things are separated into girl and boy like gymnastics (so far!) as girls do different pieces and boys do other ones but even then I feel like at a young age these differences are arbitrary as young boys aren’t any stronger than girls nor does it stand to reason they can’t do the dancing aspects of WAG (women’s artistic gymnastics) but rules are rules and some activities are separate.
No girl or boy toys here though or even clothes- though I’d be wondering why anyone would choose to wear a skirt over shorts or trousers. I’d like schools to have trouser/short and polo shirt uniforms so there weren’t any differences in clothing for young children at school. Skirts and dresses aren’t practical and the only reason I can see for wearing them is for the looks. The less children can be focussed on looks the better. It’s so damaging so young that girls are “pretty” and boys are “naughty” etc.

You can't wear a skirt at school because that's the school rules. But you can wear one at the weekend.

That's what I told my boy at a similar age and he did wear skirts at weekends for a while. Long, flowing multi-coloured skirts my gran sewed for him. I was quite envious of him actually, twirling around in his skirt.

Don't make it a thing, don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

I think it's important to explain that sex and gender are different. A person's sex is written into the instructions in every cell of their body. If their sex says they are a boy, then they grow a penis and testicles, which are a boy's sexual organs. A girl grows different sexual organs. Both types are needed to make a baby (egg / sperm.) Gender is a made - up thing, and each country in the world made up different rules about gender, the same way that they made different laws. In the olden days, when people built their own houses and caught or grew the food they ate, and made their own clothes, it was sometimes easier for men to do certain jobs that were harder for a pregnant lady. In the olden days people often had lots of babies so ladies often had babies growing in their tummies, and it might be harder for a pregnant lady to catch a fish, and easier for her to cook the fish. Nowadays we don't tend to find or make the things we need, we buy them in shops instead, so the old rules don't make sense for us any more. So daddy or mummy might buy the fish, and daddy or mummy might cook it. Or the child could help to buy and cook it too. And that's something that boys and girls can all do.

Some people like the old rules about gender and wish that we all still followed them. Some of the old rules are silly though, and we can ask decide for ourselves what we like, and how we look, just the same as we all decide what our favourite food is. In the olden days before cars, men used to do a lot of horse riding, which was difficult in a skirt, so men always used to wear trousers. Also some jobs would be dangerous in a skirt, in case it got caught in machinery. Nowadays people tend to follow that rule, and a lot of schools like it, but when you're not in school you can choose for yourself.

Tell him men and boys can and do where skirts and dresses.
Show him, Romans in togas, vickings, men in galabeyas, men in kilts, boy George.
But that the rules of his school at this time say he cannot at school.
He can where what he likes outside of school, that's up to you

My DD is 15 now but I remember in reception that the boys used to hog the princess dresses.
Why wouldn't they like pretty things and sparkles and magic.Let him enjoy it the gender'norms' will end it soon enough.
Just tell him that boys and girls can wear what they want most of the time(for example you never see a policeman in a fairy dress at work).

some people like to pretend that gender is a made-up thing. It's healthier to explain to children from the start that you can't change basic biology, accept what you are with your strength and weaknesses and make the most of them.
Pretending to be something you are not is a sure path to misery.

Women are still the ones who carry babies. Daddy is never going to be pregnant, mummy is never going to grow a penis. It's a bit of a joke to make up new rules, you don't live in pretend world.

Gender is a made up thing, you are conflating sex (biology) with gender (social rules). You may be interested to know that 100 years ago pink was a masculine colour, while blue was considered to be feminine (hence pictures of the virgin Mary showing her in blue clothes).

Thanks for the suggestions. I hate having to frame anything as “boys can’t...” - especially stuff that we would never frame as “girls can’t” - we’d never say girls can’t wear trousers of have short hair. It’s very hard for him to grasp why he can’t tie his hair with bow at school when the girls in his class do. Starting a narrative where he thinks it is ‘wrong’ for boys to dress / play etc in certain ways because they are gendered worries me.

I've always taught mine that biology is unchangeable but it is the smallest part of who they are, especially as children. I also make sure that they understand that the proper word for this is "sex".

Gender is the arbitrary social rules and behaviours that each culture and society has applied to each sex. They vary by family, culture and over time, none of these rules is universal.

So whilst the majority of their class might say that pink and sparkly is for girls, this isn't a fixed rule and has not always been the case. Whilst sex cannot be changed, how we choose to present ourselves and what we choose to play with is up to us. But we need to remember that not everyone will find it acceptable and there will be more negativity for a choice that doesn't fit the social rules the majority like to follow.

There are plenty of historical examples to demonstrate this and plenty of people currently who choose to live outside of these two restrictive boxes. I just make sure my children get exposed to as many as possible to give them the confidence to stand by their choices e.g. DS was being teased for enjoying sewing - he was able to reel off a number of famous fashion male designers, plus Savile Row tailors and Patrick Grant from the Great British Sewing Bee.

Gender is a made up thing, you are conflating sex (biology) with gender (social rules).

Except I am not confusing anything, but you chose to narrow a subject to pink and blue so it makes no sense.

The answer is because sexism

No it's not fair

Girls have lots of rubbish they have to put up with too

Tell him when he gets older he can challenge the school on it

I see no good reason why schools can't have a set of uniform and everyone picks what they want

FWIW quite a few schools have recently changed to "gender neutral" uniform for various reasons and guess what it means trousers no skirts. Male as default. Trousers can be an issue for schoolgirls for a variety of reasons > thrush, trying to find ones that aren't tight if they are shaped like adult women etc. Loads of threads about girls being told to wear trousers, wearing trousers, then essentially being told their attire is too sexy (not in those words). The problem is invariably not the trousers but the body of the girl under them.

Sorry went off on a tangent!

It’s very hard for him to grasp why he can’t tie his hair with bow at school when the girls in his class do

Has he got enough hair? If he has let him do it. One of my boys had long hair for years and didn't give a hoot how many people laughed at him or thought he was a girl.

I’ve just always told mine they are boy/girl in their dna/bones.

They can wear what is boys/girls clothes or whatever they want but inside they are still who they are but can like/wear whatever they want. At our school we have boys who wear cardigans and have longer hair tied up than some of the girls but they are still boys, we also have girls who have their hair shorter than some of the boys she’s still her.

Your statement :

"some people like to pretend that gender is a made-up thing. It's healthier to explain to children from the start that you can't change basic biology"

Absolutely conflates sex with gender.
HTH

Bubbins why don't you just let him wear his hair up and wear a skirt?

You're the one who can fight these sit gender stereotypes, the is no law saying he can't wear hair bows or skirts?

Fwiw one of my ds offer wears hair clips and pink clothes ( bought from the girls sections). Nothing bad has happened as a result.

Just let him choose what he wants and don't say he can't

“some people like to pretend that gender is a made-up thing.” Gender is made up, it is a social construct. Gender norms and ‘rules’ according to different cultures, different eras and so on.

“It's healthier to explain to children from the start that you can't change basic biology” This is also correct, as biology is sex. Sex cannot be changed.

Both your points are correct, but you have conflated sex with gender!

@thedisorganisedmum ⬆️

Chillpizza What's wrong with boys wearing cardigans? I didn't know cardigans were for girls only?

Oh wow I had no idea that in some schools cardigans were gendered!

The boys at our primary wear cardigans or jumpers and plenty wear cardis.

I can believe that at some school cardigans are coded female though.

And this is why gender is ridiculous and absolutely a social construct.