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Original poster

WWYD? Child asking to spend the weekend with the other parent after separation

37 replies

chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 20:06

I've NC for this.

Split from my exH 2.5 years ago. We have 2 kids - DS1 is 10 with ASD, DS2 is 7. We currently have a pretty much 50:50 split of time with the children. ExH stayed in our marital home.

Weekends are alternated. This weekend should be my weekend. DS2 asked to call his Dad tonight, which is fine with me and he often asks for this, so we did that. He gets on the phone, and says "Dad, can I stay at your house this weekend?". ExH replies with "Of course, I'm working part of it, but can see you on Sunday. Talk to mum and let me know what the plan is".

WWYD?

I don't want to influence any views by adding mine at this point, I'd just be really interested to hear what other people would do in this situation.

TIA!

OP posts:
woolduvet · 21/03/2019 20:23

I'd ask my child why

BitchQueen90 · 21/03/2019 20:24

If I didn't have any plans then I'd let him but I'd want to find out if there is any particular reasoning behind it.

Does DS1 require a lot of attention? Does DS2 maybe want more one on one time with his dad?

Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 20:48

Daddy has an x box. And daddy stayed in the “home”

OP posts:

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Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 20:48

and yes , ds1 takes up a lot of time and attention

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/03/2019 20:52

I'd let him, kids should be able to have a voice. He might just want some down time from his sibling and that's ok.

ChicCroissant · 21/03/2019 20:56

Oh dear, my first thought was something to do with the elder sibling as well - has anything happened recently, OP?

itswinetime · 21/03/2019 21:02

I'd be inclined to say next time you would like him to speak to you first incase you have plans but I'd let him go. I'm sure it's a bit upsetting for you but I agree he is old enough to start having an opinion on where he goes and I honestly believe if you start laying down the law you might end up pushing him away.

Anotheruser02 · 21/03/2019 21:05

My friends ds used to do this a lot at that age, "I wish it was my weekend with my Dad!" He grew out of it, but she felt like shit at the time, they kept the weekends as planned though, I'm not sure if they considered changing.

I would be hurt, but I think I'd want to stay consistent, my ds has at times said he didn't want to go to his Dad's and I've taken him anyway. I think he needs the security of knowing we are in charge of the arrangements.

Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 21:12

The problem is, since we split up, DS1 has voiced probably hundreds of times “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house, I want to stay with you”. And I’ve always said “it’s your weekend with daddy, I’ll see you in 2 sleeps” etc, because I always thought supporting the relationship with the other parent was the right thing to do. I always said no to that request, which is why I am finding it so hard that ExH has just said “yeah, fine!”, when he knows I have consistently done the opposite.

OP posts:
LateEaster · 21/03/2019 21:18

OP this must be so hard for you.
It must be painful that your DC asks too spend weekend with dad .

I would only say maybe he feels like it and doesn't want his life spilt like this.

Unless you think ulterior motives at play, I'd go with his flow.

Shylo · 21/03/2019 21:20

I think that’s something that you need to talk to your EXH about - it’s important to have an agreed approach I think ....

That said this time I think I’d let him go so as not to blow it up into a big deal but I’d do so on the basis that I spoke to a) DS2 and agreed that in future he needs to talk to you first and b) EXH and agreed that in future he’d refer DS2 back to you as it’s tour weekend

It is hard when kids want to come and go at different times and one parent seems to be favoured but I think sometimes going with the flow a bit can be for the best because once the kids realise it’s not a big deal they settle back into the routine

Good luck OP

Anotheruser02 · 21/03/2019 21:20

I think you're right, I think you need to have a quiet word with your ex about it rather than putting it on the child that he shouldn't ask without checking with you. You may find that he gets to the weekend and changes his mind again, wanting to stay with you.

LateEaster · 21/03/2019 21:20

Just seen last post you see in that instance ideally I think he should have just stayed with you and your ex seen him either with you at some point or, without you but not over night.

Courts and tribunals solicitors can neatly divide family time up.
Children's brains, emotions and wishes can't be so easily carved up.

Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 21:23

Yes, it hurts that he wants to spend he weekend with his dad. But I get it. At his dad’s, he gets prioritised over DS1. Here, although I try so bloody hard to get a balance, DS1 often gets more of my attention because he masks at his dads and I get all the meltdowns and talk about wanting to die. So I do understand it.

BUT the answer isn’t for DS2 to spend more time with his dad. The answer is for me to improve my relationship with DS2. See if I can get someone to help with DS1 so I can spend more time with DS2. This isn’t helping our relationship. If anything will push him away, it will be his dad not helping to support my relationship with DS2.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 21/03/2019 21:28

How do you think this conversation will go with you ex?

MrsRyanGosling15 · 21/03/2019 21:28

I actually don't see anything wrong with it. As a child of divorced parents I used to get so bloody sick of my weekend, your weekend, this house, that house. I remember just thinking why doesnt anyone ask me where I want to go? If he wants to stay with his dad why would you stop him? Its what he wants. Same with your other ds. It's not the parents wants that should be the focus.

Beansandcoffee · 21/03/2019 21:34

I would let it go. I don’t think your ExH had much choice other than to say see you on Sunday - it isn’t the whole weekend. I think it is hard for kids doing 50:50.

GoGoGadgetGin · 21/03/2019 21:38

Did you have plans for this weekend though? And I do feel for the 7yo if you do have to give much more time and attention to 10yo, do either of them get 1:1 time with either of you?

Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 21:38

MrsRyanGosling how old were you when your parents split up? DS2 is only 7. What if he wants to spend all his time with his dad? Or if DS1 wants to spend all his time with me? What about their relationships with the other parent? They couldn’t do that anyway, because the reason we have the arrangement we have is because of our work. So it wouldn’t work for either me or his dad to just allow them to stay with whoever they wanted as we both do shift work, and the arrangement we have is arranged so it works for both of us. I think we both know that in the future they will be able to choose much more where they stay, but for now this is “fair” and encourages a relationship with both parents. ExH was (is) emotionally abusive and has used the kids as pawns in the past. He will be loving the fact that DS2 has asked to be with him, and won’t want to say no as a sign of one upmanship on me. I have always refused any changes to try to be fair to him when DS1 has asked not to go.

I feel a shit parent either way right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 21:41

do either of them get 1:1 time with either of you?

Not really at the moment. I have had to increase my hours at work so now I am working 4 days a week to earn some more money. I don’t have family locally, and DS1 doesn’t have any friends, so he doesn’t do play dates that would allow me any time with DS2

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 21/03/2019 21:49

I was about 2 or 3 when they split. Why is that relevant? I do remember from about 7 or 8 just getting pissed off of just feeling passed around. And if he wanted to spend most of his time with his dad then why not let him if it's possible? Its shit enough coming from a divorced family, but especially if you don't feel listened too. Maybe you both need to be more flexible.

Original poster
chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 21:59

Maybe you both need to be more flexible

That’s really difficult given the working patterns. But I hear what you are saying about how shit it is to be a child of divorced parents, and I’m sorry it was hard for you Flowers

OP posts:
Witchend · 21/03/2019 22:07

If I was the dad and he'd especially phoned, I would probably think that he'd asked "can I stay with dad next weekend?" and you'd said "ask him". So I wouldn't blame him.

It may be a little of taking control. Or maybe he's actually planning ahead. He wants to have you to yourself so thinks if he goes to dad's this weekend, then he can stay with you alone next weekend when ds1 goes. Have a chat and see what he says.

Ilovecrumpets · 21/03/2019 22:45

Hi OP

I’m separated and one of my DS is also 7. He has asked this a few times - actually once or twice wanting to stay with me and once wanting to go to his dads. I was a bit like you the first time and was encouraging him to go to his dads, but ex actually said it was fine and we worked out he would stay with me that night but ex would come and see him the next day. When he asked the other way (ie to go to his dads) we also ended up splitting the weekend. He has only ever asked those 3 times. When I asked him why he said he didn’t know but he just really, really wanted to be with me/ex that time. Being allowed to see the other parent really helped him and the next day he was really happy to spend the rest of the weekend with ex.

I also don’t have any family near so find getting any one to one time really difficult - it’s one of the worst bits of being a single parent.

canihaveyourstupidhat · 22/03/2019 11:01

I'd let him go. Your working patterns ensure your sons spend time with each parent, what happens when neither of you is working should be decided based on what's best for them not what's fairest to you and your ex. Allowing them some control over what happens to them would probably be good for them. DS2 having a bit more time with his dad while DS1 has a bit more time with you would also give them each one-on-one time with one parent which is the next best thing if DS1's needs prevent them from having it with both.