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Original poster

WWYD? Child asking to spend the weekend with the other parent after separation

37 replies

chocolateteapot2019 · 21/03/2019 20:06

I've NC for this.

Split from my exH 2.5 years ago. We have 2 kids - DS1 is 10 with ASD, DS2 is 7. We currently have a pretty much 50:50 split of time with the children. ExH stayed in our marital home.

Weekends are alternated. This weekend should be my weekend. DS2 asked to call his Dad tonight, which is fine with me and he often asks for this, so we did that. He gets on the phone, and says "Dad, can I stay at your house this weekend?". ExH replies with "Of course, I'm working part of it, but can see you on Sunday. Talk to mum and let me know what the plan is".

WWYD?

I don't want to influence any views by adding mine at this point, I'd just be really interested to hear what other people would do in this situation.

TIA!

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/03/2019 11:21

What are your plans, and your ex's plans, for the weekends you don't have the boys? Do you both have the flexibility to allow you to have one child each every Friday night (and swap each week) and then both boys for the Saturday? It would mean you only have one night free each week instead of two, but it would also mean each boy gets one to one with each of you once a fornight.

confusedfornow · 22/03/2019 12:33

It amazes me how selfish and manipulative grown adults can be when it comes to their children.

OP. If you were still with your EX, still living together and your child said to you

"Im going outside to play with Daddy"

Would you talk about "your time" or "his time"? Of course not! You would let your child go to whichever parent they wanted to.

Why is it that as soon as parents split up the children are dragged into the mess. Your child wants to spend time with their father. Stop being selfish and precious. They didn't ask to live in a broken home.

Original poster

chocolateteapot2019 · 22/03/2019 12:48

I asked for split weekends when we first split up, but exH was adamant he didn't want that. We both sometimes work weekends when we don't have the boys with us.

OP posts:

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Original poster

chocolateteapot2019 · 22/03/2019 12:48

Point taken

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 22/03/2019 12:59

I think your ex is very unreasonable not to agree to split the children occasionally. Are you saying your ex gets one-to-one time with your younger son, but not with your older son who just happens to be more demanding? And that that means you never get time alone with your younger son?

BlueSkiesLies · 22/03/2019 13:40

Probably just wants some 1-on-1 time and a break from his sibling

Original poster

chocolateteapot2019 · 22/03/2019 17:04

It's been almost 3 years since we made this agreement. I'm moving house soon so things are likely to change then as we will be living a bit further apart (currently 1 mile apart, will be 3 miles apart, which doesn't sound a lot but will make a difference to our current handover arrangement). Probably time to have a rethink anyway.

But no, neither of us get any 1-2-1 time with either child.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 22/03/2019 17:16

Completely agree with @confusedfornow

My OH has 2 kids and the mother sticks rigidly to the court ordered contact order.

Kids aren’t possessions. If he wants to spend time with his dad let him.

Littleraindrop15 · 22/03/2019 17:19

Think younger son probably wants some downtime from sibling

MsSquiz · 22/03/2019 17:27

I agree with @Witchend that your ex probably assumed DS1 had already mentioned it to you prior to calling him.

I would also let him go, if you don't have anything planned. But I would maybe speak to your ex about also having DS1 occasionally for 1 on 1 time, so you both have an afternoon or whatever every so often with each child, individually. Maybe that would encourage the relationship between your ex and DS1, as well as allowing you the time with DS2

TacoLover · 22/03/2019 17:34

BUT the answer isn’t for DS2 to spend more time with his dad. The answer is for me to improve my relationship with DS2. See if I can get someone to help with DS1 so I can spend more time with DS2.

But if you're not actually currently doing this, it's understandable that DS2 wants a break, no?

As you've said that your older son has frequent meltdowns and talking about wanting to die, I think it's clear that your younger son may feel very pressured or stressed out, or needing a break without his brother.

I understand that it's not nice for you but I think your son needing a break is more important than your feelings in this instance.

O4FS · 22/03/2019 17:40

Going against the grain here but I’d be inclined to stick to the arrangement if you can.

I find the 1:1 is detrimental. It’s only my experience, so might not be relevant but XH has the conversation with individual DC, bypassing me, so he gets 1:1 time with child if his choice (usually one of the boys). It becomes very unfair, and very unbalanced. He rarely sees the girls, choosing the ones he find easier. It’s not great, Its not fair in the DCs and it’s got to the point where he doesn’t have all the children together at all.

So do be wary about things changing informally. It’s quite hard to come back from.

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