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Original poster

Feeling isolated and low. Just need someone to listen

28 replies

TheWanderingMinstrel · 21/03/2019 18:34

Hi,
I have been struggling with this feeling for a very long time now. I was hoping it would go away, but it's just getting worse. Sorry if this ends up becoming long, but I don't want to drip-feed.
I'm in my third year of university, a US college. I am blind and also have mild to moderate hearing loss, which is sadly going to progress as I get older. On top of that, I feel I have relatively different interests to my peers (I listen to different types of music that many people are not interested in), and love to read. I have no interest in partying, drinking or drugs, or even late nights out. I'm on a forum for one of my musical interests, and that helps but it's not real-life interaction.
Lately, most of my friends have been too busy to spend any time with me. I really only have 3 friends whom I can rely on to make time for me beyond a very quick meal... usually when I spend time with others they have to leave immediately after the meal to get on with things I feel I should have more reliable friends than that.
I also need a lot of help in the dining establishments on my campus, hence why when I go there I prefer doing it with friends.
Whenever any of my friends have to cancel on me, I end up feeling abnormally low. Often if we were supposed to be going out someplace, that means I then can't go out anymore either.
I feel like very few of my peers really understand how I'm feeling. They're even somewhat envious of me because I have so much spare time. I don't want to make a big deal out of feeling low when they have to cancel because I don't want them to be scared that cancelling would then set off a trigger for me (I'm always very polite, through gritted teeth when I text back). I see very close friend groups, and people with boyfriends/girlfriends (I'm still recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship), and it hurts like fuck that they're always so close and I feel adrift.
I'm awaiting counseling at my school, but it is a very long wait because they are understaffed. I used to be able to pretend and hide how I feel but now I just can't. I'm not even sure if anyone can validate how I feel. But if you read and get through to the end, thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 21/03/2019 18:36

Hi. Have you tried joining some societies at your uni? You will make additional friends with shared interests.

Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 21/03/2019 18:40

I'm in a few groups, most of which don't meet regularly anymore. There was a writing group which I was once a part of, but I usually spend that time helping one of my friends with one of her events... I should go back to it. As far as reading and musical interests, I don't really know of anyone in my school who does either.

OP posts:
BlueBrush · 21/03/2019 18:43

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that there have certainly been long stretches of my life where I've felt lonely and isolated, and I promise you're really not the only one if that helps in any way at all. I don't know if that makes you feel any better at all! I'm sorry you're having such a rubbish time. Flowers

Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 21/03/2019 18:46

Thanks so much, BlueBrush. It just sometimes feels like I'm the only one who is feeling like this when everyone is always out together, when deep down I know that's not true.

OP posts:
Theladyofthehouse · 21/03/2019 18:55

I know that generally student life revolves around university but are there any local groups outside you might like to join? I’m in the UK but I think this search engine might work

www.readerscircle.org

BlueBrush · 21/03/2019 18:58

You are definitely definitely not the only one who feels this way! Loneliness is a much more common problem than I think people realise. People will admit to all sorts of problems that they are experiencing, but there is a real stigma about an adult admitting that they feel lonely. I think it's also something that other people don't spot very easily, because friends just assume that when they're not with you, you're busy with other people.

I can remember when I was single some good friends of mine, a married couple, telling me to "just get out there" and I said "But where?! Where are all these single men?" and they thought for a while, and couldn't answer. And there was a look that passed between them of panic at the realisation how hard it would be to meet someone if they didn't have each other, and relief that they didn't have to worry about it!

That's about meeting a partner, but I think making good friends is also hard.

Decormad38 · 21/03/2019 19:02

Im joining a knitting group next week. Its not in a uni its just in my local area. Have a good google to find local groups you have shared interests with.

Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 21/03/2019 19:06

Thanks all.
@TheLadyOfTheHouse This looks like an awesome Web site. I would definitely be open to joining groups outside of my school, provided that people would be accmoddating about my disabilities and perhaps help with transportation sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 21/03/2019 19:09

My primary interests besides reading and writing are all sorts of European folk music (Irish, English, Welsh and Scottish) and birds/birding walks. I'll have to look mostly outside my school for that. I often send my friends videos of songs I like, but they usually either don't care for these genres or forget I sent them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 21/03/2019 19:13

@BlueBrush, can I ask you a question about when you used to feel lonely/isolated? Did you find these thoughts worse at night? I find that that magnefies things for me a lot.

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 21/03/2019 21:02

I was diagnosed with RA in my first year of uni, which was very hard and physically limited what I could do, I struggled with my relentless courseload (Architecture) and my inability to do things that others could do. I often felt overwhelmed, isolated and overwhelmed, I'm not gonna lie to you it was hard. At points I could hardly hold a pen and I thought my career was over before it started (I'm qualified and have my own company now so it wasn't, I just took a slightly longer and more crooked path to get to where I wanted to be)
I got counselling for a bit but also found a sympathetic faculty member to talk to, in 2nd year I got involved in the disability society and also connected to people online via a support group for RA. Perhaps you could see if you could find something similar for your disabilities - it helped because although you feel alone, there are other people out there dealing with or who have dealt with similar stuff you just have to find them. Even if they don't have any practical tips it's good just to have somebody who understands to moan at.

Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 22/03/2019 00:14

Thanks again to all these who have responded to my post. Writing this and talking to a few people IRL has made me feel a little better. Yes, I think until I tell people, a lot of them don't really understand the feeling of being alone.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/03/2019 07:52

Does your school have a Celtic languages dept? I know some of the American universities do. If so, get in touch with them, as I expect they'd have a folk music scene.

Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 22/03/2019 08:02

Possibly! It's a relatively small school and I haven't heard anyone talk about one, but that doesn't mean one doesn't exist!
On a positive note, after my last post I went out with my closest friend and a few others to do some community service (giving food to the homeless), and it was very positive and impactful. I think I need to do more things like that, just put myself out there and try new experiences.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/03/2019 09:17

That sounds great! When are you going again?

If you PM me the name of your school I'll see if I can find anything in the near vicinity (I'm in a closely related field so may know better than you what I'm looking for).

Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 22/03/2019 14:27

@TimeIHadaNameChange
I'm not sure when we're going back next. But thank you so much for your help, and I have sent you a PM.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWanderingMinstrel · 23/03/2019 02:14

Thank you so much for your help, Time! Really aprreciated.
I'm feeling a bit better today. I reached out to a few more friends and they were understanding. They said they had no idea but want to help. I'm going to see some family later so that is always good.
I just wish my school's counseling service wasn't so understaffed. There are people out there who actually want to put themselves out there to seek help.
Thanks again everyone. Have a great weekend.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 23/03/2019 08:31

No problem! How you find something that appeals. Enjoy your weekend!

BlueBrush · 23/03/2019 12:28

Hi @TheWanderingMinstrel. Sorry for delay in getting back to you. Yes it was definitely worse at night. During the day I was out and about, at work, with people. But when I got home at the end of the day, or back from a night out even, my home would feel very quiet. I can remember feeling sad that, if it was the middle of the night and I was feeling down, there was no-one to talk to. (This is pre-social media!) But as I said, I bet that is how many people feel in the privacy and quiet of their own homes.

Btw this was a long time ago now, and while I still don't have lots of friends exactly, it all changed when I met my husband at 29. We've been married for over 10 years and he is my best friend. Just to give you some hope! X

TimeIhadaNameChange · 28/03/2019 15:18

How have things been this week, @TheWanderingMinstrel?

WanderingWaterbird · 29/03/2019 03:07

Hi Time,
I'm the OP (TheWanderingMinstrel) but just changed to this user name variant as I like it better.
Thanks so much for asking. Overall, things seem to have been improving, but it can still be hard sometimes. I was surprised to have many of my friends tell me, despite being supportive, that they were surprised I was having such a hard time: I suppose I was hiding it fairly well. I am very much looking forward to the weekend though.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 29/03/2019 11:04

Hi @WanderingWaterbird! I'm glad to hear things are generally on the up. That's great news! I know what you mean about hiding it - I remember years ago, when I was in the midst of awful depression, telling my boss I was in a good mood one day. Her response was 'But you're always in a good mood!" Little did she know. And we worked really closely together so it's not as if she couldn't have noticed anyway.

Enjoy the weekend! You got any plans or just seeing how it goes?

IcelandGull · 29/03/2019 23:47

(Sticking to this name now as I like it better!)
Hi Time,
I'm going to see my family briefly for the first part of the weekend. After that, I'm not completely sure. I was supposed to go to a guitar concert tomorrow with a friend (we have different music classes, hers is due this week and I still have time!), but she's spending time with her dad this weekend and said she still isn't sure if she's going to go yet. (Which I find interesting, as I know my own DF wouldn't be happy if I waited until the last minute like that!) I'll just have to see how it goes, really.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/03/2019 12:11

That sounds like a good weekend. A bit of everything, some planned and some free time. Could you consider being brave and going to the concert alone if your friend can't make it? (For me it would depend if there would be people I know there, in which case I wouldn't go as I'd think they were feeling sorry for me / I'd have to talk to them, or if I could be fairly sure there wouldn't be, in which case I'd go and be quite happy in my own).

As for your friend, everyone is different and it sounds like she comes from a relaxed family where plans can be made / remade at the last minute. It seems unfair on you, but maybe there's something going on with her dad you don't know about...?

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely time!

IcelandGull · 31/03/2019 02:16

Hi there Time,
I really like the idea of going to an event by myself when a friend cannot... I did this with an opera event last weekend at my school campus, and although it can be nerve-wracking I'm beginning to understand that I shouldn't just let others' company stop me from attending events I would like to go to. In this case, with the guitar concert, I wasn't able to go because I don't even think my friend planned enough to even know when/where the concert was. I don't fault her for that though, because she is an amazing person and I know she has a lot on her mind.
I got to see some of my family today, though (when I do, that feeling of isolation really isn't as prevalent), and we went to the Botanical Gardens, which are amazing.
Hope you're doing well!