I'm so ungrateful for what I've got and I hate it

[atbobbyshouse]

I've just turned thirty. I've got a healthy three year old DS. I've got a husband who I love and who loves me. We own our property. We earn a good wage between us. I have an extremely flexible job where I work from home.

I don't feel happy. I don't feel fulfilled. I started out in an admin job when I left uni and I'm now working as an operations manager so basically just a higher level admin job. I enjoy some parts of it, it pays the bills and allows me to be around for DS but it's not very interesting and it's certainly not what I thought I would end up doing - I feel a bit like I got stuck down a certain path.

I have really dreadful anxiety that I feel has held me back, it stopped me travelling when I was younger and still stops me now (utterly terrified of flying, yes I know it's irrational, yes I've done that BA fear of flying course). It also means that I feel very strongly that if I talk about how I feel, then something bad will happen to teach me a lesson because I should be grateful for what I have.

I know how much worse so many other people have it and I just feel like a fucking fraud, feeling dissatisfied with my life when I have so much.

Has anyone else felt like this and how were you able to overcome it?

I suffer from anxiety too and I have this fear, but the other way round; I'm worried that if I talk too much about the good stuff, it'll all be taken from me. (I have no idea where this comes from!)

You don't sound ungrateful at all - you simply sound like you've outgrown your job.

Could you retrain? What's your ideal, ideal job? Now you've had your DC, you could refrain and move into that career and work your way up.

I realise it won't be as easy as I'm making it sound, but it's totally possible.

Hi. I can so relate to this. I am 31 have a beautiful son and lovely husband. But my anxiety and PND have made me seem so ungrateful for everything. Which isn't the case, I just can't seem to shake the anxiety I have. Maybe it's the same for you? And maybe a career change would be good? Although having anxiety and changing your career is very hard. Someone once told me to write down 10 things I'm grateful for and every time you feel low look at that list...

Sounds like you are at a crossroads with no signposts up! Before making any major decisions at this stage would you consider taking up some counselling for yourself to talk this through with someone totally objectively?

No advice I'm afraid, but just showing some solidarity.
I have 2 healthy and happy children
I am generally in good health
I have a good marriage and a fun, kind husband who treats me with respect and adores our kids
I am excelling in my career
We are very comfortably off
We have a beautiful home, drive nice cars, have savings, go on lovely holidays blah blah blah
We have lovely friends

And yet... I seem to constantly find fault in things and think 'is this it?' Am pinning all my hopes on it just being the monotony of having 2 small children and once they get a bit older, we can have a bit more spontaneous fun again.

I've had extensive counselling. I feel I need a career change but am worried about starting over in case my husband loses his job or gets ill or something and we are then stuck with me on a low wage

Fear holds me back.

Sadly then all I can offer is sympathy and a virtual hug 🤗. Hope you manage to move forward on this one OP.

33 and feel the same. I run my own business, it’s growing but cash flow is a constant struggle. My house is big and I have a nice car but we struggle for money every month. I feel trapped and bored with life.

No advice, just wanted to be here in solidarity.

Admin! I know the feeling, I have done it since uni and I hate it!
What would you like to do? Could you maybe do some study alongside your current job to get into something else?
I’d say try to do something you enjoy more... don’t be me, get to 50 and still doing admin!

This SO describes me. Not only do you feel unhappy and dissatisfied, you then feel guilty and terrible for feeling ungrateful for all the good things. I'm just clawing my way out of this negative cycle and I've been trying hard over the last while to reset the balance. My tips are:

• positive affirmations. It sounds ridiculous but positive statements make a huge difference. Choose one per week and when a negative thought enters your head, replace it with the positive affirmation.

• exercise. I've started doing a Pilates class. I'm crap at it, so the full hour is spent concentrating hard on trying to do the moves and breathe. I don't think about anything else in that time and it is wonderful. Any class (ie painting) might help in the same way.

• concentrate on the small things. The big things could always be better, or worse. You could always have a better job, bigger house, nicer car, better salary, fancier handbag, shinier hair, better skin, better pianist, whatever it is you feel you are a failure in. Try concentrating on how nice the cup of tea in your hand feels and how refreshing it is. How lovely it is to sit and have a cup of tea. Feel the solid weight of your phone in your hand while you browse MN and think about how clever the technology is and how amazing people are to have figured it out you get the picture.

Don't know if any of that helps, but I've found it useful.

(Also delete Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, MN etc if you find they are not helpful. There is a lot of stuff on the net that I find just brings me down)

If I talk about how I feel, then something bad will happen to teach me a lesson because I should be grateful for what I have.

Oh, I have this. When my Dad died I tried really hard not to be so sad about it in case it jinxed the kids. It gets worse when I'm stressed.

I don't suppose you had a mother that would say "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" on repeat, for years?

Anyway, what helped me was to test the theory and whinge prolifically about everything a lot so that I could give myself a good shake and see that everything is fine. Then you can start whinging about the things that matter and take action.

Obviously this is just a starting point but you're not going to get much use out of a counselor when you are holding back in fear of some karmic life lesson.

I have actually discussed my fear of bad things happening if I complain about non-issues in counselling

Counsellors have never really known what to do with me, I don't think!!!

I would love to work in the domestic violence sector. I would also love to work with animals.

Could you look at doing some volunteering at an animal shelter or similar? Sometimes focusing on something outside yourself can help, and you're said you're interested in this. I am interested in education and I sponsor an international student. I like to know I'm doing something useful even on days when I feel a bit ungrateful for what I have.

I recommend the book ' feel the fear and do it anyway '

I think anxiety is key here. It's horrible and draining and sucks the enjoyment and fulfillment from things. You've obviously tried different methods of overcoming it. Is it time to try again? Can you imagine twenty years from now looking back and saying "well nothing particularly bad has happened, what did I waste all that energy on, why did I let fear hold me back?". I know this sounds a bit wankerish, but think of it as being kind to your future self.

Maybe also work towards doing something different career wise? It may be hard training while you are working, but anything worth doing is hard, right?

Finally, maybe do something creative where you can "get in to the zone"?

Fwiw, if you were a truly ungrateful person, I don't think you would be posting like this or have such an awareness of it or feel guilty about it? Mostly, we are all just rolling along doing the best we can . Good luck op!

I'm also utterly decided about having another baby. I think it might finish me off in terms of following any kind of alternative career but at the same time I'm horribly broody.

It's all so pathetic isn't it!!!!

Joining in. 31 and also should be pleased but find myself pining for something else, thinking that if I were to give it all up a la Ben Fogles new lives in the wild, I might regret what I leave behind.

Not pathetic at all op. There's no right or wrong - as long as we make a decent effort of things - imho anyway. Everyone is just finding their way.

When I was 35 I made the decision to take another degree and retrain in a career that was also my passion... I'm so glad I did. Even now at 43 I still feel like a complete beginner at times, but then I'll create something that almost makes me cry with happiness and emotion!

It's not too late OP to change paths. You are so young! You only have one life, aim for the moon. Just feel the fear and do it anyway. As Georgia O'Keefe said, "I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." I live by that.

I don't suppose you had a mother that would say "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" on repeat, for years?

^^ my mother used to say this! Only made it worse - to this day I'm a prolific cryer!! 😢😊

@VirginiaWolfHall inspired... can you share what you retrained in?

This is me as well. Anxiety has held me back so badly - fear of things going wrong has trapped me. And frankly I'm miserable.

I'm doing all the right things, studying, re-training in a more lucrative field, and trying to look on the bright side. But I wanted to make something of my life and I'll be almost 50 before I qualify, and it gets me down.

I have my health and two healthy children and a great husband, but my life and existence are completely mediocre and frankly if I walked out the door now and never came back, I wonder if anyone would even notice.

Try hypnosis for your anxiety and fear of flying. It works really well on some people.

@driftingcloud will PM for privacy!

@VirginiaWolfHall now trying to access messages on the app. Is it even possible?!

At the risk of sounding glib, and I really don't mean to, I do recommend getting a hobby that a) you love, b) is sociable, c) challenges you - but not too much! I know it's hard with a little DC though.

I had a perfectly lovely life but never did anything for myself. Then last year I joined a brass band. It's once or twice a week and it's hard but my happiness levels are so much higher.

it doesn't have to be a brass band, to be fair